The rollercoaster ride of fatherhood

Logan Donnelly shares some words of wisdom for dads-to-be about the rollercoaster ride of fatherhood.

Becoming a dad is an exciting yet completely overwhelming experience. I remember all the ‘free’ advice like "get your sleep now!" (as if I could somehow bank it for later?) or "say goodbye to free time!" But beyond these worn-out lines, there are the major shifts in identity and daily life that many dads experience but rarely talk about. No one warns you about the isolation, the loss of personal time, or how balancing work, friendships, and family suddenly feels impossible. Your role as a partner and friend will be tested in ways you never imagined.

Fatherhood is full of surprises - some wonderful, some challenging, and some you never would have expected, which can leave you scrambling to adapt on the fly.

Here are seven things I reckon every dad should hear before the baby arrives...

1. THE NOISE, OVERWHELM, AND LACK OF SLEEP IS ROUGH

No matter how much you love your baby, the constant crying, sleepless nights, and sheer exhaustion will push you to your limits. Some days feel like survival mode.

Here’s the thing: it’s okay to step away when you need to (as long as you communicate it with your partner). A short walk, deep breaths, or even putting on noise-cancelling headphones can help reset your patience before frustration takes over.

At the same time, postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation can make emotions unpredictable. Your partner might seem distant, irritable, or highly emotional, and this isn’t something they can control. These drastic hormonal shifts can sometimes lead to postpartum depression and anxiety (PPD/PPA) and dads aren’t immune either. If you find yourself snapping more, struggling to connect, or feeling numb, recognise those signs and reach out for support. 

How to manage it:

+  Have a ‘tap out’ plan. A simple way to signal when you need a break (we’ve got a safe word) prevents tension from escalating

+  Prioritise mental health check-ins. Both of you are going through huge changes. If something feels off, talk about it early

+  Take turns for breaks. Even ten minutes to reset (walk, coffee, just zoning out) can make a huge difference

2. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL CHANGE...A LOT

Your relationship is about to enter a whole new dynamic. Spontaneous date nights, lazy weekends, and uninterrupted conversations? Say goodbye… for now.

Exhaustion takes over. Late-night feedings, baby talk, and the mental load of keeping up with your baby’s needs redefine your relationship. Intimacy – both physical and emotional – take a backseat, not because you don’t love each other, but because survival mode kicks in. Small disagreements escalate quickly when you’re both running on fumes.

The learning curve is steep, and the adjustments can feel overwhelming. But remember this phase, as intense as it is, won’t last forever. And weirdly enough, one day you’ll look back at it with a mix of nostalgia and pride – because you got through it together. 

How to manage it:

+  Talk, even when it’s hard. Find five minutes a day to check in together

+  Find small ways to connect. A quick hug, a laugh over the chaos, or a simple "thanks for today" helps

+  Remember, you’re partners first. It’s easy to just feel like co-parents, but supporting your relationship will help you stay strong as a team.

3. YOU MIGHT FEEL LIKE YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT

Becoming a dad means stepping into a role where you might feel completely out of your depth. Everyone hates feeling incompetent, and in parenting – where everything is new and unfamiliar – feelings of frustration, self-doubt, or even resentment are common.

To make things harder, newborns often prefer their mum in the early days, and watching your partner seem to ‘just know’ how to soothe baby can make you feel even more out of place.

Maternal gatekeeping can also often (though unintentionally) play a role. This occurs when mums (or the primary caregiver) control or limit a dad’s involvement in parenting tasks. This might look like correcting how you change a nappy, micromanaging how you soothe the baby, or simply doing everything themselves. Even with good intentions, this can make you feel like you’re not needed – or worse, like you’re getting everything wrong.

It’s discouraging but remember: you belong in this role just as much as she does. The only way to gain confidence is by getting involved. 

How to manage it:

+  Accept that feeling lost is normal. Every dad starts somewhere, and mistakes are part of learning. Instead of stepping back, lean in

+  Take initiative. Change nappies, prep meals, handle washing – it all makes a difference

+  Talk to your partner. Let them know you need space to learn without micromanagement. Yep, you might put a nappy on backwards once or twice, but that’s part of the process. The more you engage, the more capable (and confident) you’ll become

4. YOU MIGHT FEEL LEFT OUT (AND A BIT JEALOUS)

Newborns often prefer their mum, especially if she’s breastfeeding. It can be tough when your baby cries in your arms but settles instantly with her. Try not to take it personally. This phase isn’t forever.

On top of this, social dynamics shift dramatically after having a baby. Mums often expand their social circles through parenting networks, while dads frequently experience the opposite – a shrinking social life. Between work, family responsibilities, and sheer exhaustion, casual meet-ups with mates can start to feel like a distant memory. It can be isolating, so it's important to nurture your friendships wherever possible. 

How to manage it:

+  A quick call, facetime, or group chat goes a long way. I’ve got a WhatsApp group with old mates where we do a ‘Wednesday Waffle’, a quick 90-second voice note on what’s going well, what’s been challenging, and what we’re looking forward to

+  Find (or build) a dad network. Talking to others who 'get it' makes a difference

+  Talk to your partner about what balance looks like for you both. Just like she needs her support system, so do you

5. YOU'LL NEED TO 'CHECK-IN' BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE

Remember when you could just pop out for coffee or meet a mate without thinking twice? Those days are on pause - for now. Parenthood requires teamwork, and solo outings now require planning, communication, and a fair bit of negotiation!

At the same time, exhaustion can turn even the smallest responsibilities into a competition – who slept less, who changed more nappies, who’s carrying the bigger load. It’s easy to start keeping score, but that mindset only leads to resentment at a time when it's fundamental to remember you are on the same team. 

How to manage it:

+  Plan ahead and communicate. Spontaneity is on hold, but with planning, you can still carve out personal time

+  Personal time is a two-way street. Both parents need and deserve solo time

+  Shift from ‘fairness’ to teamwork. Instead of keeping score, focus on supporting each other

6. FEELING OVERWHELMED INSTEAD OF EXCITED? YOU'RE NOT ALONE

Most soon-to-be dads feel pressure to be over the moon about their baby, but not everyone feels immediate excitement, and that’s okay.

It’s completely normal to feel anxious or uncertain. If you were changing careers or moving countries, you’d expect a mix of nerves and doubt. You wouldn’t beat yourself up over that. Fatherhood is no different! Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling the same way about becoming a parent. 

How to manage it:

+  Acknowledge your feelings. Instead of focusing on how you should feel, give yourself space to process emotions

+  Talk to other dads. Hearing others say they felt nervous too can be reassuring

+  Communicate with your partner. Chances are, they have their own anxieties too

7. BONDING WITH YOUR BABY CAN TAKE TIME

Movies make it seem like you’ll feel an overwhelming bond the moment you hold your baby. The reality is that it doesn’t always happen that way. Some dads feel that instant connection, while for others, it takes weeks or even months. It's important to know this is normal.

With my daughter, it was nearly six months before I truly felt that deep bond. Mums have nine months of pregnancy (plus hormonal changes) to start bonding. For dads, it often starts after birth once they meet the baby.

Bonding happens through familiarity, not a single moment. Every nappy change, every late-night cuddle, every silly song you sing – even when it feels like they’re not engaging – is building your connection. It might not be instant, but it’s growing every single day.

How to manage it:

+  Be hands-on from the start. Change nappies, do skin-to-skin (showers together are great for this), and wear them in a baby carrier

+  Trust the process. The more involved you are, the stronger your bond will become

+  Reach out if you’re struggling. Feeling disconnected doesn’t mean you’re failing, many dads experience this

THE BOTTOM LINE?

Nothing can truly prepare you for fatherhood. You’ll have moments of doubt, exhaustion, and frustration, but you’ll also experience a love and sense of purpose so deep it’s impossible to describe.

The biggest takeaway? Cut yourself some slack, mate! You’re not going to get everything right the first time (or the tenth), and that’s okay. What really matters is being present, trying your best, and learning as you go.

Every dad feels out of their depth at some point, but you’ll figure it out – just like the rest of us. Through trial and error, and a whole lot of patience. Just keep showing up, trust yourself, and enjoy the ride.

@_kiwidad

Logan Donnelly is the heart behind KiwiDad, passionately advocating for young families facing the challenges of parenting in the 21st century. A qualified teacher and educator, Logan lives in Ōmokoroa with his wife Charlee, daughter Delilah and son Roman.