Working Mum feeling left out

Oh hun

It's totally normal to feel left out and even jealous and resentful of your daughters bond with her SAHD (and then you probably feel guilty about being jealous and resentful).  I know exactly what that's like because I've been there.  I returned to work when Michaela was 5mo and my DH stayed home.

I'm going to paste directly from a PM that I sent to someone else awhile ago so please forgive me for not making a more personal response but it does apply and I hope it helps.

Being a working mum is so hard.  I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but don’t worry, I think the fact that you’re worried about your mummy/daughter bond is one of the main reasons that it is going to develop to be something really special…. because you’ll be proactive at encouraging it.

I think it’s especially hard for mummies like us that have to go back to work when our babies are so little, you do wonder how much actual bonding time we managed to get in before leaving them with our husbands.

I resented DH too.  I was so angry at him that he couldn’t earn enough so that I could stay at home and be a fulltime mummy.  Yet on the other hand I was really happy that he got this wonderful opportunity care for our child.  I was so conflicted.

For me it got worse before it got better.  I was always in charge of Michaela’s night time routine so I was not concerned about settling her and she never worried too much when DH left the room/house without her but 5 months after going back to work (Michaela would have been 10mo) I took a week off to sort out her sleep routine.  I spent everyday with her and took her out to different activities and to visit friends etc and most of the time DH stayed home (enjoying some peace and quiet).  After a few days whenever I took her out she’d started bawling and calling out for daddy.  It was heartbreaking.

What’s funny is that now she gets upset when I leave and couldn’t care less when her dad goes as long as I’m around.  We have so much fun together, I love her so much my heart could burst and it’s pretty obvious that she feels the same way about me.

There are a few things that happened.

1. DH started working nights so it was just her and I from when I got home in the afternoon.  This meant we got a couple of hours quality time alone together (she had no choice but to spend time with me).  Maybe you could encourage your DH to pop out and do something for himself (play sports, go for a walk, visit mates etc). 
2. We allocated one weekend day for mummy and Michaela activities.  DH is welcome to join us but most of the time it’s just Michaela and I.  When she was little I took her on long walks in the pram then as she got older we’d stop at the park for a play or go to a café and share a muffin, or visit friends or have friends over to visit.  We don’t go out all day but we have a couple of hours together.
3. We also have a Saturday morning class which is our time, we used to go to gymbaroo but now she’s old enough we go to dance classes.
4. I continued doing her night time routine, even when DH was home (before he started working and now during the weekends).  She’d kiss him goodnight after dinner and then she and I would go and play in the bath then have a story and prayers and I’d put her to bed.
5. During my first year back at work I used my leave up on lots of long weekends and short breaks so instead of have one or two big breaks each year we'd get more time together throughout the year.
6. When I get home from work we have fun, it’s an absolutely essential part of our daily routine.  Before I get tied up with dinner and house work I get changed out of my work clothes and spend at least ½ hour playing with Michaela.

I don’t know if any or all those things made a difference to our relationship but it’s become obvious over time that Michaela and I have a really good bond despite me abandoning her every weekday.

As your little one grows older there will be more and more things that you can do together, just the 2 of you.  Michaela and I wander around spotlight and she destroys the shelves while I try and decide if I can be bothered taking up a craft.  We bake cookies together, she loves mixing the dough and licking the spoon but it’s always a race to see if I can get more cookie dough on the baking tray than she gets in her mouth.  We go for drives out to the country together (to visit my parents).  We go for walks (her walking now, which isn’t as good for my fitness but more fun for us) and play at the park.  We dance a lot, most days we’ll be dancing to the wiggles or elvis or something else.  We play hide’n’seek games (she always hides in the same place and cracks up when I can’t find her – so cute).

Try not to worry too much.  As I said earlier I think the fact that you’re concerned about your bond is one of the big reasons you’ll develop a lovely strong mummy/daughter bond.

Take care and feel free to pm me if you need to talk, just be warned I write novels in response

Check out these threads too:

Tips for being a working mum: http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15358&KW=working+

The joys of being a working mum: http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13521&KW=joys+of+being

Every mum is a working mum: http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15359&KW=working+