Working Mum feeling left out
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Toddler Times
Forum Description: Is bubs growing up and getting into everything? How do you train them to use the potty? When do you start feeding solids? Share your tips and advice here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=21338
Printed Date: 26 July 2025 at 7:22am
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Topic: Working Mum feeling left out
Posted By: ahickey24
Subject: Working Mum feeling left out
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 1:24pm
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Hi there, I have a 14 month old daughter and am a working Mum. Luckily for me my workplace is very good and allow me to work part-time (4 days a week) and one of those days from home. My daughter has been at home with her Dad since she was 6 months old. I kind of feel quite sad because now she is very mich Daddy's girl and always looks to him when she is upset and he gets all the cuddles and kisses.
I know this sounds silly and I am happy that she has a special bond with Dad but feel like I am missing out on that....is there anyone out there feeling the same? Is this an age thing? I guess I would just like to know if other mums feel the same. |
Replies:
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 2:01pm
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I feel like that with the teachers at creche! ha.
They spend an awful lot of time with her so I often think that they are the one's that are actually doing the parenting 
It isn't a fabulous feeling... but it comes and goes and I just have to make the most of the time I do have with her. SO rest assured... you are not alone! 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 2:14pm
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Hmmm....thats a hard one. I am working mum and DH is a working Dad...and she is close to both of us but more so to me, may be because of B/Feeding??!!
DD spends 5 days at day care and I must say that I dont see her being that close to her teachers...I mean she loves one in perticular but would stay home any day with us. I felt that at times that may be I am missing out? but when I get home its all about DD...We spend all her waking hour playing, reading and just plain cuddles and kisses session. Unfortunately thats all we can do as working parents...and I honestly dont feel left out now. No real suggestions really, but I think its just the way you are feeling and I am sure she is just acting from habit (going to dad when upset etc). As she gets older and she need less comfort for stuff like that she will change again. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: ahickey24
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 2:20pm
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I guess personality comes into also. I did breastfeed so thought that the bond would stay a little stronger. I spend all of my time not at work with Ava - probably to my own detriment - but I love hanging out with her....I guess these feelings are part of being a parent, I don't really know any other working Mums - all the ones I know are stay at home Mums - so it helps to discuss it with people who do work..thanks for taking the time to reply
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 2:27pm
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My DH feels like that a bit at the moment as Spencer seems to be going through a clingy phase, he is around the same age as your daughter. I have read it is totally normal for them to do this to the parent they are most with, although obviously upsetting for the other parent.
I suppose all you can do really is make the most of the time you do have together and maybe on one of the days you are home either take her out just you and her or send your DH out so that you can have some one on one time with her. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 3:00pm
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Oh hun It's totally normal to feel left out and even jealous and resentful of your daughters bond with her SAHD (and then you probably feel guilty about being jealous and resentful). I know exactly what that's like because I've been there. I returned to work when Michaela was 5mo and my DH stayed home. I'm going to paste directly from a PM that I sent to someone else awhile ago so please forgive me for not making a more personal response but it does apply and I hope it helps.
Being a working mum is so hard. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but don’t worry, I think the fact that you’re worried about your mummy/daughter bond is one of the main reasons that it is going to develop to be something really special…. because you’ll be proactive at encouraging it. I think it’s especially hard for mummies like us that have to go back to work when our babies are so little, you do wonder how much actual bonding time we managed to get in before leaving them with our husbands. I resented DH too. I was so angry at him that he couldn’t earn enough so that I could stay at home and be a fulltime mummy. Yet on the other hand I was really happy that he got this wonderful opportunity care for our child. I was so conflicted. For me it got worse before it got better. I was always in charge of Michaela’s night time routine so I was not concerned about settling her and she never worried too much when DH left the room/house without her but 5 months after going back to work (Michaela would have been 10mo) I took a week off to sort out her sleep routine. I spent everyday with her and took her out to different activities and to visit friends etc and most of the time DH stayed home (enjoying some peace and quiet). After a few days whenever I took her out she’d started bawling and calling out for daddy. What’s funny is that now she gets upset when I leave and couldn’t care less when her dad goes as long as I’m around. We have so much fun together, I love her so much my heart could burst and it’s pretty obvious that she feels the same way about me. There are a few things that happened.
I don’t know if any or all those things made a difference to our relationship but it’s become obvious over time that Michaela and I have a really good bond despite me abandoning her every weekday. As your little one grows older there will be more and more things that you can do together, just the 2 of you. Michaela and I wander around spotlight and she destroys the shelves while I try and decide if I can be bothered taking up a craft. We bake cookies together, she loves mixing the dough and licking the spoon but it’s always a race to see if I can get more cookie dough on the baking tray than she gets in her mouth Try not to worry too much. As I said earlier I think the fact that you’re concerned about your bond is one of the big reasons you’ll develop a lovely strong mummy/daughter bond.
Take care and feel free to pm me if you need to talk, just be warned I write novels in response -------------  
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Posted By: ahickey24
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 3:38pm
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Wow what a lovely response!! Sitting here at my desk (surrounded by working Dads) I felt like crying when reading it. Thanks for that - the suggestions are great - I do a lot of these things already and will continue to do more of this and spend that one on one time with Ava.
Im feeling lots better already and am making a pact with myself to not let this get me down - and enjoy my time. |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 6:14pm
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Check out these threads too: Tips for being a working mum: http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15358&KW=working - http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15358&KW=working + The joys of being a working mum: http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13521&KW=joys+of+being - http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=13521&KW=joys+of+being Every mum is a working mum: http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15359&KW=working - http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15359&KW=working + -------------
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Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 6:31pm
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*waves* Another working Mum here.
I know what you mean, at times its very difficult when all you want to do is be near them and its hard when they fall at daycare and you aren't the one who kisses them better (that breaks my heart). But at the same time, I really appreciate the time I do spend with Charlotte, we have a blast on the weekends and always do fun things together. They change so quickly, sometimes on a daily basis and I find that Charlotte goes through stages of wanting me then wanting Daddy. All I can offer is to enjoy the time you spend with your daughter and realise that you are doing this (working) to get ahead in life to ultimately help her. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 7:19pm
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I'm a working mum and DH is SAHD also. It's been this way around for us, for 1 year today. There are certainly days when I wish I was the one at home - or better still, just at home with them all! As for the bonding and attachment, that tends to flip-flop every 6-12mos in the preschool years as they learn that they can love both of you and also be individuals. -------------  |
Posted By: Kels
Date Posted: 01 October 2008 at 10:04pm
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Working mum here too. Sorry I have no advice but with Jo's ideas and the links to info on the OB website Im sure things will get better. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
Busy mum to Miss 15yrs, Miss 10yrs and Master 4yrs |
Posted By: ahickey24
Date Posted: 02 October 2008 at 8:49am
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I certainly felt much better going home last night - all these ideas are great. I guess the best feeling was knowing I wasn't alone - I had been feeling as if I must have done something wrong for Ava to be like this with me.
I do love working and I love my job, but the love I feel for my daughter has been so overwhleming it's just blown me away. |
Posted By: jaz
Date Posted: 02 October 2008 at 11:04am
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DP and I split my parental leave and both had a period home with Caleb. Now I work 8-4 and he works 5-9 so we both have time with him but he has more hours than I do so is probably the main carer.
I agree with everything MrsMojo said. I used to take over the night routine/weekend care before DP went back to work so we shared the load and it gave me the chance to keep the close bond going. It was only really about the time DP went back to work that Caleb started gravitating towards him as much as me. Before that he was 100% Mum's boy even though I was at work (perhaps BFing helped?) I keep Caleb up later at night so I can have more time with him. It can be a bit tiring when you feel that you are either working or childminding but for me its worth it. I have to keep reminding myself that I have the best of both worlds - the opportunity to persue my career as well as plenty of time with the children. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Roksana
Date Posted: 02 October 2008 at 11:12am
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Jo that was great!! You should post this in to OH Baby site for all Working mums to read! May be talk to Emma...I am sure they would love a copy of this!
I am glad you are feeling better about your situation now Ahickey....It does get better honest!!! and they grow and change sooo quickly too. You are a great mummy! just for feeling the way you do...dont ever forget that! Like Jo I cant explain the love I feel for my DD and now for this baby....and that why both DH and I work soooo damn hard to make sure we can provide the best for them and at the same time make sure we give all the love and attention to them.....personally the only Hubby-wife time we have at the mo is when we are both going to bed...we chat about our day and what we were upto.....But thats ok...They are only little for such a short time. When they are older they most probably wont want to know either of us....LOL  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ooEvaoo
Date Posted: 02 October 2008 at 1:29pm
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I'm not a working mum, but I am a full time studying mum, and though I wish I could spend my days with my son, I know that I'm working towards making a better future for our family, and most importantly for him. For the first year of his life I was a SAHM, and DP was really resentful at the fact that I spent all my time on DS and not really any on him, also the fact that DS didn't really like his dad didn't help the matter. Now he's almost two, he loves going to daycare which makes being apart a little easier, only thing is he's a little clingy when it's time to say goodbye but welcomely goes to a carer when I pass him over from our cuddle. After daycare we usually go for a walk together, and spend a lot of time playing outside in the yard before I start on dinner. We have such great fun together and I know that even though we are apart during the day he's not affected in anyway. He also now has a stronger bond with his father, which is great...but he'll forever be a mummy's boy lolz. ------------- 
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