Approaching family members who smoke

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this is the best forum to post in, but seeing as I'm pregnant I'd love some advice from other pregnant people (or mums) on how to approach a discussion around some groundrules my DH and I would like with family members who are smokers.

DH and I don't smoke and we hate it . In addition to the health risks, we have both always been adamant that our children not have smokers as role models and now we are pregnant with number one it's time to discuss some ground rules.


So far my thoughts on basic ground rules are:

Anywhere
1. No cuddles or playing with our children while wearing clothes which you have smoked in since they have been washed (at the very least you must wear a separate sweater/jersey/jacket to smoke in then remove this before cuddles/play)

At my house
2. No smoking within sight of our children
3. No smoking where the cigarette smoke may drift over to our children (even if you are out of sight)

In public/other homes
4. Adherence to rules 2 and 3 above are preferred, however if you wish to smoke without moving please advise us before lighting up and we will move/leave
5. If you, or a family member who you live with, smoke we will not leave our young children with you unsupervised (as it will often be impractical to follow rule 2 in this situation)


My main concern is my childrens health - there are too many chemicals in cigarette smoke and links to far too many problems/diseases. Personally, I hate the smell and it makes me cough, and it irritates DH's asthma. It also upsets me that my mum may die from her smoking and my kids will miss out on knowing their grandma.

I was thinking about contacting Quitline to see if they could send me out any information which I can provide to my mum/brother on how second hand smoke effects children.

Thoughts from smokers, non-smokers and those who've discussed similar issues with their own family/friends would be much appreciated!

I would add thoroughly wash and dry hands and brush teeth or use a breath strip/breat mint before contact with child.

My father passed away a year and a half ago with cancer (I'm sure smoking related), but my brother still smokes so he will be getting similar guidelines.

My friend made her hubby have a full shower, wash hair, brush teeth and change clothes before coming near their son - he soon quit.

I would just tell family that your house/car/property is smokefree. Don't even give them the option of going outside or putting on a jacket. If they show up reeking of smoke from smoking in the car on the way to yours tell them they stink of smoke and no cuddles until they go wash off.

If you're at their house im not sure you can be as harsh - if they want to smoke in the lounge then they can - but you absolutely should remove your child as soon as they do and explain why.

And don't leave your child with them unless they can be trusted not to smoke. Harsh for grandparents but maybe it will encourage them to quit!

I write that as an ex-smoker btw, i quit when i found out i was pregnant, and while i hated being a smoker i was too weak willed to quit until i was given a damn good reason. In my experience many people are - maybe it will give them a kick. Otherwise keep baby away and be vigilent in the smoke-education as s/he grows.

Totally make the property smokefree! Or else like lil_nic said they will take to huddling in doorways in wet weather. Its fun to watch - they know if they want to smoke they have to leave, but they don't want to leave, so they sit there getting all titchy and clutching lighters for dear life. Thats when you launch into a long conversation and delay their departure for another 15minutes. Watch them squirm!

I think your rules are completely justified.
I would not let friends who are smokers touch DS until they had changed clothes and washed their hands.
I do not allow smoking at our house/property.
Once my BIL was smoking at his house, and DS immediately copied him, putting a stick in his mouth. It really upset me, and now I don't let anyone smoke in front of him.
I don't care if people think I am being over the top.

Also the rules encouraged my FIL to quit smoking, after being a smoker for 45 years. So worked out really well for him and his wife too!

Partner is a smoker, and so is my Grandma, and bubs' GodFather.

Partner has his orders to quit, and has been "trying" for the past eight weeks.
He has the patches and gum but just doesn't seem interested.
When it comes down to it I think bubs and I might need to move out until he can sort it out, but that won't be for a wee while yet (due in June, and I better give him a chance.)

As for Grandma, she will only smoke outside when she is here, and I think it is important for bub to spend time with her as she is ridiculously old, having to go out to the street will put her off and she won't visit.

GodFather, he won't be forced to quit or anything like that, we will only see him when we go out for coffee etc and it's fine for him to smoke then, and when we are at his house it's up to him if he decides to smoke, although even when alone he leans out a window, lights incense, and uses breath mints.

@Bowie I think that is a fantastic idea, however sadly I think he will see the baby as being the inconvenience, and not bother.

Thanks everyone for your comments. This is definitely something both DH and I are keen to be strong about.

Bec, I have the same concerns about some things just becoming too much of a hassle for people so they won't bother (like the whole change of clothes, shower etc) - I guess it's about finding that balance where you still know your children are safe.

Im pretty sure quitline will provide you with smokefree stickers for the doors etc.

I totally totally agree with how you feel and everything everyone has said.

BUT just remember that a lot of smokers get really defensive about being told it's bad, stinky etc. So my only suggestion is to try to get them onside with you so they do what you ask, rather than getting all sh*tty and just ignoring you. Also work out where you want to pick your battles. If it's someone who you care about but is only going to see your baby once/month then is it going to be worth pissing them off asking them to change clothes/shower before they hold your baby? Mind you it's easy for me to say because none of my family smoke and I only have one smoker friend who is really considerate.

I like the "our property is smoke free" suggestion.