Approaching family members who smoke
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Topic: Approaching family members who smoke
Posted By: ArielAngel
Subject: Approaching family members who smoke
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 10:54am
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Hi all,
I'm not sure if this is the best forum to post in, but seeing as I'm pregnant I'd love some advice from other pregnant people (or mums) on how to approach a discussion around some groundrules my DH and I would like with family members who are smokers. DH and I don't smoke and we hate it  . In addition to the health risks, we have both always been adamant that our children not have smokers as role models and now we are pregnant with number one it's time to discuss some ground rules.
So far my thoughts on basic ground rules are: Anywhere 1. No cuddles or playing with our children while wearing clothes which you have smoked in since they have been washed (at the very least you must wear a separate sweater/jersey/jacket to smoke in then remove this before cuddles/play) At my house 2. No smoking within sight of our children 3. No smoking where the cigarette smoke may drift over to our children (even if you are out of sight) In public/other homes 4. Adherence to rules 2 and 3 above are preferred, however if you wish to smoke without moving please advise us before lighting up and we will move/leave 5. If you, or a family member who you live with, smoke we will not leave our young children with you unsupervised (as it will often be impractical to follow rule 2 in this situation) My main concern is my childrens health - there are too many chemicals in cigarette smoke and links to far too many problems/diseases. Personally, I hate the smell and it makes me cough, and it irritates DH's asthma. It also upsets me that my mum may die from her smoking and my kids will miss out on knowing their grandma. 
I was thinking about contacting Quitline to see if they could send me out any information which I can provide to my mum/brother on how second hand smoke effects children. Thoughts from smokers, non-smokers and those who've discussed similar issues with their own family/friends would be much appreciated! ------------- After 16 months TTC, surprise BFP July 10 DD1 Mar 11 After 9 months TTC, BFP on 4th Clomid cycle Feb 13 DD2 Oct 13 |
Replies:
Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 11:04am
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I completely agree with you - it's nasty stuff!
Basically just let them know that you want your kids to grow up smoke free and that they should be given that chance. You're not asking them to quit, just that they are respectful of your decision to live smoke free. Also, be warned - because of the no smoking inside rule, outside malls etc - people stand in the doorways to smoke - it drives me nuts! ETA: I discussed similar rules with my mum, MIL and FIL. My mum always 'forgets' about which way the wind is blowing or putting on a jacket etc so often she gets - sorry you reek of cigarettes - no cuddles! And she smokes in her car which bugs me but then again it's her car! MIL is really good and follows the 'rules', FIL not so much! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Faffer
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 11:10am
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I would add thoroughly wash and dry hands and brush teeth or use a breath strip/breat mint before contact with child.
My father passed away a year and a half ago with cancer (I'm sure smoking related), but my brother still smokes so he will be getting similar guidelines. -------------  
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Posted By: Kalimirella
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 11:14am
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Might want to add washing of hands after smoking before picking up/cuddling your children.
We have much the same rules as above for her 2 uncles that smoke. they both know it is unhealthy and quite willingly abide by them. ------------- Kiara is 3 and Teagan is 2, now we're expecting our long awaited 3rd! http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 11:17am
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My friend made her hubby have a full shower, wash hair, brush teeth and change clothes before coming near their son - he soon quit.
I would just tell family that your house/car/property is smokefree. Don't even give them the option of going outside or putting on a jacket. If they show up reeking of smoke from smoking in the car on the way to yours tell them they stink of smoke and no cuddles until they go wash off. If you're at their house im not sure you can be as harsh - if they want to smoke in the lounge then they can - but you absolutely should remove your child as soon as they do and explain why. And don't leave your child with them unless they can be trusted not to smoke. Harsh for grandparents but maybe it will encourage them to quit! I write that as an ex-smoker btw, i quit when i found out i was pregnant, and while i hated being a smoker i was too weak willed to quit until i was given a damn good reason. In my experience many people are - maybe it will give them a kick. Otherwise keep baby away and be vigilent in the smoke-education as s/he grows. |
Posted By: ArielAngel
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 11:51am
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Thanks so much for your comments - I was starting to think I was a horrible person for wanting to have rules around smoking - I was brought up by a smoker so to me it feels "normal" for children to be smoked around.
I hadn't thought about the washing hands thing but that makes sense. And brushing teeth or having a breath mint or something sounds like a good idea. Bowie, I definitely don't think I can trust a smoker not to smoke around my children if I'm not there - I can imagine that once the craving gets bad enough they'll justify it somehow. I definitely think this might be the motivation my mum needs to quit. Making the whole property smoke-free though is probably not a bad idea - they can always go stand out on the footpath! ETA - I know lil_nic, it drives me batty when people smoke outside shops/malls too! I walk down Cuba Mall regularly and it ruins the nice weather having to walk past the pubs with all the smokers outside! ------------- After 16 months TTC, surprise BFP July 10 DD1 Mar 11 After 9 months TTC, BFP on 4th Clomid cycle Feb 13 DD2 Oct 13 |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 11:55am
| Totally make the property smokefree! Or else like lil_nic said they will take to huddling in doorways in wet weather. Its fun to watch - they know if they want to smoke they have to leave, but they don't want to leave, so they sit there getting all titchy and clutching lighters for dear life. Thats when you launch into a long conversation and delay their departure for another 15minutes. Watch them squirm! |
Posted By: rachelsea
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 12:28pm
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Eww I hate smoking too and so does DH. The only one in our immediate families who smokes is my step mum and I haven't had to say anything to her as she's never smoked at our place, or at their place when Chelsea's there. If she did I would have to say something but doesn't seem to be an issue.
My aunties smoke in their houses so we just don't visit them. I'm asthmatic and even being in their houses sets off an attack for me, so I hate to think what it would do to my lil girl 
I definitely think your rules sound fair enough! ------------- DD 4yrs DS 2yrs http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: newme
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 1:08pm
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I think your rules are completely justified.
I would not let friends who are smokers touch DS until they had changed clothes and washed their hands. I do not allow smoking at our house/property. Once my BIL was smoking at his house, and DS immediately copied him, putting a stick in his mouth. It really upset me, and now I don't let anyone smoke in front of him. I don't care if people think I am being over the top. Also the rules encouraged my FIL to quit smoking, after being a smoker for 45 years. So worked out really well for him and his wife too! |
Posted By: MuppetsMama
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 1:40pm
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I like bowie's advice - simply make your property completely smoke free, and ask them to let you know if they want to light up at their house, so you can remove the kids from around them.
Good on you for being bold enough to say something. |
Posted By: ....
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 4:50pm
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Partner is a smoker, and so is my Grandma, and bubs' GodFather.
Partner has his orders to quit, and has been "trying" for the past eight weeks. He has the patches and gum but just doesn't seem interested. When it comes down to it I think bubs and I might need to move out until he can sort it out, but that won't be for a wee while yet (due in June, and I better give him a chance.) As for Grandma, she will only smoke outside when she is here, and I think it is important for bub to spend time with her as she is ridiculously old, having to go out to the street will put her off and she won't visit. GodFather, he won't be forced to quit or anything like that, we will only see him when we go out for coffee etc and it's fine for him to smoke then, and when we are at his house it's up to him if he decides to smoke, although even when alone he leans out a window, lights incense, and uses breath mints. |
Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 6:41pm
| Bec, you should impliment the rules my friend used for her partner...the inconvenience got to him, though he does still smoke socially i believe. Just do the "Honey, you don't want our child to have chronic asthma do you? No? Then you will change clothes, shower, wash your hair, wash your own smoky clothes, brush your teeth and scrub under your fingernails before you come within 5m of him/her" |
Posted By: ....
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 7:05pm
| @Bowie I think that is a fantastic idea, however sadly I think he will see the baby as being the inconvenience, and not bother. |
Posted By: Hope
Date Posted: 17 November 2010 at 7:06pm
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Just wanted to put my two cents in re: smokers outside malls etc. I hate it too! The smoke always seems to blow right into DS's buggy and it makes me feel like vomiting because I'm pregnant. I seriously have considered saying something to these people it makes me so mad. But I'm too much of a wuss.
Another pet hate is people who walk along the footpath in town smoking because between puffs their ciggies are pretty much at the little ones' face / buggy height. Soooo inconsiderate! On a positive note MIL is a smoker but she never smokes at our home, rarely smells of smoke and chews gum etc because she knows how disgusting I would find it if I picked up DS and he smelt smokey. Best of luck ArielAngel - you stick to your guns. Our kids deserve to be smoke free! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ArielAngel
Date Posted: 18 November 2010 at 12:15pm
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Thanks everyone for your comments. This is definitely something both DH and I are keen to be strong about.
Bec, I have the same concerns about some things just becoming too much of a hassle for people so they won't bother (like the whole change of clothes, shower etc) - I guess it's about finding that balance where you still know your children are safe. ------------- After 16 months TTC, surprise BFP July 10 DD1 Mar 11 After 9 months TTC, BFP on 4th Clomid cycle Feb 13 DD2 Oct 13 |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 18 November 2010 at 12:22pm
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My grandmother actually has no smoking signs around her house, im not sure where you get them tho, but if you found a couple you could put on the front door etc people would soon get the hint ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 18 November 2010 at 12:52pm
| Im pretty sure quitline will provide you with smokefree stickers for the doors etc. |
Posted By: ....
Date Posted: 18 November 2010 at 4:23pm
| Or even add a guilt-trip, make signs yourself and have older children colour them in, or even make them themselves. |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 18 November 2010 at 9:51pm
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I totally totally agree with how you feel and everything everyone has said.
BUT just remember that a lot of smokers get really defensive about being told it's bad, stinky etc. So my only suggestion is to try to get them onside with you so they do what you ask, rather than getting all sh*tty and just ignoring you. Also work out where you want to pick your battles. If it's someone who you care about but is only going to see your baby once/month then is it going to be worth pissing them off asking them to change clothes/shower before they hold your baby? Mind you it's easy for me to say because none of my family smoke and I only have one smoker friend who is really considerate. I like the "our property is smoke free" suggestion. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 18 November 2010 at 10:33pm
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Warehouse stationery often have those types of signs, "shut the gate" etc... ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 19 November 2010 at 6:54am
So does the $2 shop  -------------   
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Posted By: Dylbie
Date Posted: 21 November 2010 at 1:08pm
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Hey there. I think your standpoint is perfectly reasonable. Here is some info I found from parenting science.com:
"Smoking and the risk of SIDS There is something about smoking that makes bed sharing very dangerous. Studies suggest that the odds of SIDS, or sudden infant death syndrome, are 16 times greater if babies who bed-share are also exposed to second-hand smoke. This pertains to both prenatal exposure--i.e., babies whose mothers smoked during pregnancy--and to postnatal exposure to household smoke (Horsley et al 2007). Why the link? That’s not yet clear. Research suggests that babies who are exposed to smoke have more difficulty arousing from sleep, perhaps because smoke exposure changes the serotonin pathways of the brain (Kinney 2009). And when babies having difficulty arousing, they are at increased risk for SIDS. But regardless of the mechanism, there is a consensus that smokers shouldn’t bed share, and that smoking can explain much of the elevated SIDS risk associated with bed sharing. In some studies, the risk of bed sharing became statistically insignificant after researchers controlled for maternal smoking (e.g., Scragg et al 1993; Blair et al 1999; McGarvey et al 2003)." Good luck to you, the evidence is on your side
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Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 21 November 2010 at 6:58pm
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I say go for it! You have every right to want to protect your baby from second hand smoke. I was a smoker for about 7 years but I quit a year before I got pregnant. Now I hate the smell. I makes me want to gag. One big problem with being a smoker is because you do it every day you become so used to the smell that you aren't even aware of it. It is so gross when you can walk past a person and smell it on their clothes
I used to make everyone wash their hands before holding my girls regardless of whether they were a smoker or not so I don't think it's too much to ask. My father had multiple strokes over two years because his arterys were so blocked from years of smoking. I also lost my Nanna to lung cancer. She was a heavy smoker all her life I wish they would just ban it altogether. I understand people would be pissed off. 5 years ago I would have torn someone a new A-hole for even suggesting such a thing lol but really I hate the fact that it's readily available and that in 16 years my children could walk into any store and buy a pack. Why not give them a loaded gun while your at it!  I had my first ciggarette at 11! I took it out of my Dads pack. I fully agree that if your kids grow up around family members that smoke they are a million times more likely to do it themselves.-------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: _H_
Date Posted: 21 November 2010 at 7:41pm
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My MIL smokes inside her house and when we have a baby i dont want her/him to spend to much time there! DP goes most days and comes home smelling if i could i wont let my kids anywhere near her house but i know that isnt going to happen
off topic but i saw a mother wearing her baby having a smoke!!!!! I was SO annoyed, does she know how that effects her baby!  ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: lil_lease
Date Posted: 21 November 2010 at 10:52pm
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I think you're being completely reasonable ArielAngel.
Most of my immediate family smoke as do DFs parents and I dont want my child growing up learning those behaviours from their nearest and dearest. I smoked for almost 5 years and quit the day that I found out I was pregnant with my first son. Our house is already smoke free, non negotiable, and everyone knows this. I hadn't really thought too much about it long term to be honest, but I am definately encouraging my mum to give up. She has until I give birth, pretty much, as I want her as labour support but if she's going to be in and out all the time and reeking of smoke then I DONT want her there. As she wants to be there too, she has an incentive. Is it working so far? Well I think she's cut down, which is an improvement. Gah. Sorry... Threadjack 
I like your ideas  and I may take some of them on board myself.------------- Antony, gone but never forgotten 2-4-2010 
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Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 22 November 2010 at 7:38am
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A few months ago I saw a heavily pregnant woman getting her mail while having a smoke So sad. It always makes me wonder what kind of future that baby is going to have with a mother that can't even stop for for the health of the tiny life struggling to grow inside her. I know it's hard to stop I had to do it but it's not impossible and it's about prioritys. We are mothers and protecters from the day that life is conceived not the day it's born.
Sorry I'll get off my soapbox now  It just makes me so sad -------------
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: littlefish
Date Posted: 22 November 2010 at 3:52pm
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We had rules but my husband broke them all and its his mother so I can't do a lot. Even though his brother has full time asthma and he has to take a puffer when he gets sick and our son has had croup 7 times in 2 years?????
She 'airs out the house' on the day we arrive and smokes outside when we are there, but she doesn't understand why I think she should change her clothes. When baby was tiny I muttered to B that she should wash her hands and she did, but then of course she cuddled him in close and he came back to me stinking. So the strongest thing he has done is tell her we can't stay with her because of the smoking. Hope you guys are stronger than us because it makes me mad but I don't want to always be the crazy daughter in law....... ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
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Posted By: JAFAjaffa
Date Posted: 23 November 2010 at 11:11am
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My hubby used to smoke but gave up when I was pregnant. I think you're being completely reasonable, of course you want to protect your baby!
We have the no holding the baby if you have smoked rule for anyone. And that usually means a complete shower and change of clothes because hair also smells really bad if the person has been smoking. Not that many people around us smoke any more anyway, so it's not much of a problem, but the in laws give up and then take it up again all the time, so I anticipate problems when they start again. It'll be one (of the many) reason to not stay with them! ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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