Still haven’t moved on.

Righto, some of you know the drama's I went through to get to this pregnancy. I won't go through it all again. But I had several friends that were due very close to my first due date. One even had her daughter on my due date. I've never really gotten over the loses and after intitially trying to ignore it all (to just wind up sobbing every time I had to see their kids) I have pretty much avoided these people. Anyway, I thought that now that I'm pregnant again and it seems to be going well that I might try and make contact again and apologise for being so selfish. This has kinda backfired because the 2 that I had most of a problem with then announced to me that they're pregnant again and "we can go through this together this time". I know I should be happy for them but I'm not. All I can think of is my years of trying and 2 lost children and that it's completely unfair that they have it so easy. I don't understand how I can be happy for complete strangers to announce their pregnancies but hearing it from people I've known for years is just agonizing. All I can hope is that when I finally have this little one that I will be able to move on and not dwell on my loses and struggles. Sorry, I just needed to get this out. I'm so fed up with feeling like this.

No need to apologise hun, rant away! Its better out than in. In the end you need to do what is right for you, and if you keeping your distance from them till your bub is here then do it. And I agree, totally easier to be happy for strangers and not those around you IRL. It was a massive step for you to go back to the ladies, and I totally am impressed with you for doing that. Sending you big hugs too hun. And remember we are all here to vent when you need

You won't always feel this way so I just wanted to encourage you to stay in touch with them even if you don't spend alot of time with them right now.
Can you be straight up with them and tell them that while you value their friendships and don't want things to be distant you're still struggling with your TTC journey so some things are still difficult for you??

it was very interesting to read your post sacha....i have been feeling similar things since my m/c 4 months ago and was thinking if i was pg again i wouldn't be feeling this way. but maybe that's not true after reading how you feel....

i was due the same date as my very good friend who i see daily and who is now 7 months pg. she knows about my m/c but never asks how i am. also since my m/c another 5 friends have announced they are pg...in fact i am now the only gal not pg with number 2 at our coffee group. i agree with lemongirl - it seems to be a secret silent club, and i am the only member around here. sometimes it does really make me wonder amongst all these fertile women how i managed not to hold on to my pg...did i do something wrong this time? but of course, this way madness lies....

so conversation is constantly about babies and pg, which is natural, but i would just love if one time the people who know about my m/c (not everyone does) would in a quiet one to one moment say "how about you hon, how are you?" i get that they don't know how to bring it up or deal with it, but it would just be nice, that's all. i do really feel very lonely with it, and i really feel like i am getting sadder about it with time, not better. i think initially i was in shock and a bit numb and thought i was coping really well, but now the pain is more and more raw....it just hurts and hurts and hurts

does anyone have any thoughts on when they 'saw the light' a bit and stopped being so utterly miserable about it all? like you say sacha, i am fed up of feeling like this too....i used to be such a happy bubble of a person and now i just feel like a trainwreck all the time. i can't even imagine what i will be like on my due date when my friend has her baby. i want to be a good friend too, not a blubbering mess!

something that i found helped me lots was to keep a journal. i put all my dark thoughts in there, plans, hopes, despair! everybody is different in how they cope and even how they grieve.

I do know that in time you wont feel so bad about your frinds children, but you need to try and be gentle on yourself.

its a hard one..they are probably saying that meaning to be helpful..some people just say the wrong things..

I get preg easily but have had two mc's one at 12 weeks and it took a while ... i guess till after we had E to be able to be happy for certain people.. and i hated feeling like it as it's not their fault that i had mc's:(

two of my friends shared how they felt when they were trying to get preg when i was preg again this time and it was great..i appreciated knowing how they felt ...

ugh its such a hard thing to talk about too though i guess and i got pissed off i was supposed to be 'over it' but the time i was pregnant again..though it did help a little..and more so when he came..

Oh also I have three close friends who are in early pregnancy at the moment, and it is quite surreal exchanging stories of symptoms and helpful tips (ginger beer and lemon juice for liquids etc) given that I am NOT pregnant anymore. Sometimes it does my head in, other times I accept it for what it is: the way the world turns.

Sasha I 100% agree with you about this site....everyone here has been awesome and I have found it so comforting to have people around who understand what I am going through (at times, better than I understand it myself!). It is better in some ways for me to read and write rather than talk about it, as I have the same issue of totally breaking down if I have to talk about it, even to counselors too.

Thanks for all the ideas of 'things to do' to try and move on a bit....I could have written the bit about feeling self-absorbed - of course you are NOT a self-absorbed b*tch (I can't even write it about you!), just very understandably sad about the loss of your angels....and all the hopes and dreams and whole kit and kaboodle rollercoaster that starts when we see that +ve line....I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to feel so hard done by, especially as I have a lovely wee girl already, I end up thinking how in the grand scale of life (and fertility probs), my probs are very small potatoes indeed. Reading your last post made me think that might just actually BE my problem....as I am also a "pretend everything is ok" gal, every time the sad feelings/tears surface, I push them down and tell myself I must stop before I descend into self-indulgence pity mode and just to get on with life. Hmmmm....I might just do a bit of journaling and reflection etc. And even go totally crazy and just let myself cry and get angry or whatever (when DD is in bed) - without feeling guilty about how I'm feeling at that point in time....

I don't know how it works, as my m/c was after I had DD, but with all my heart I wish for you that when your bubba is placed in your arms the pain fades and recedes into the background - not gone, but overshadowed by a newfound and well deserved happiness of watching your little one grow.

OMG Sasha, you just reached into my head and scraped out my feelings completely!! I couldn't have described it better if I tried (your post about 3 up I'm meaning)

I cry every day and its 4 months since, and doesn't seem to be going away. Have avoided all people, pregnant or not, but especially pregnant. So I have no advice really to offer, just wanted to add a 'mee too'

At what point would you say you reached a turning point? Only asking cos I actually think I was dealing with it better one month down the line as opposed to 3?

Cheers Sasha. I had already tried the link you posted; however i'm really not a group type of person, and didn't think having to deal with the fears of other women in early stages of pregnancy would have been too helpful for me.

Right now, I'm thinking the grief is worse at different stages of the month, and triggered by being around other people (not ALL people). Have been posting on other sites and its helpful to see that other women are having exactly the same issues as me. Otherwise I think I would be trying to get myself sectioned!