Still haven’t moved on.
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=30161
Printed Date: 10 July 2025 at 4:43am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Still haven’t moved on.
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Subject: Still haven’t moved on.
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 6:05pm
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Righto, some of you know the drama's I went through to get to this pregnancy. I won't go through it all again. But I had several friends that were due very close to my first due date. One even had her daughter on my due date. I've never really gotten over the loses and after intitially trying to ignore it all (to just wind up sobbing every time I had to see their kids) I have pretty much avoided these people. Anyway, I thought that now that I'm pregnant again and it seems to be going well that I might try and make contact again and apologise for being so selfish. This has kinda backfired because the 2 that I had most of a problem with then announced to me that they're pregnant again and "we can go through this together this time". I know I should be happy for them but I'm not. All I can think of is my years of trying and 2 lost children and that it's completely unfair that they have it so easy. I don't understand how I can be happy for complete strangers to announce their pregnancies but hearing it from people I've known for years is just agonizing. All I can hope is that when I finally have this little one that I will be able to move on and not dwell on my loses and struggles. Sorry, I just needed to get this out. I'm so fed up with feeling like this. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Replies:
Posted By: Kazzle
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 6:13pm
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*big hugs hun*
have no answers for you, but a really good website is www.thelostones.co.nz the girls on there are great, and have all been through it. Just remember that everyone grieves in different ways and at different times....and its always much easier to be happier for a stranger than someone we know ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 7:02pm
No need to apologise hun, rant away! Its better out than in. In the end you need to do what is right for you, and if you keeping your distance from them till your bub is here then do it. And I agree, totally easier to be happy for strangers and not those around you IRL. It was a massive step for you to go back to the ladies, and I totally am impressed with you for doing that. Sending you big hugs too hun. And remember we are all here to vent when you need  ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel 
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Posted By: MB1970
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 7:24pm
| Big hugs, Sasha x |
Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 7:35pm
 You won't always feel this way so I just wanted to encourage you to stay in touch with them even if you don't spend alot of time with them right now.
Can you be straight up with them and tell them that while you value their friendships and don't want things to be distant you're still struggling with your TTC journey so some things are still difficult for you?? -------------   
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 8:49pm
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I don't really know what to say except *hugs.* I've long come to the conclusion that baby loss really is a silent secret club. I can usually tell those who haven't been there as they usually are the ones who say things that on the surface are nice but actually are quite painful while those who have been there know the best thing to do is to listen.
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Posted By: pikaboo
Date Posted: 26 November 2009 at 11:57pm
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it was very interesting to read your post sacha....i have been feeling similar things since my m/c 4 months ago and was thinking if i was pg again i wouldn't be feeling this way. but maybe that's not true after reading how you feel....
i was due the same date as my very good friend who i see daily and who is now 7 months pg. she knows about my m/c but never asks how i am. also since my m/c another 5 friends have announced they are pg...in fact i am now the only gal not pg with number 2 at our coffee group. i agree with lemongirl - it seems to be a secret silent club, and i am the only member around here. sometimes it does really make me wonder amongst all these fertile women how i managed not to hold on to my pg...did i do something wrong this time? but of course, this way madness lies.... so conversation is constantly about babies and pg, which is natural, but i would just love if one time the people who know about my m/c (not everyone does) would in a quiet one to one moment say "how about you hon, how are you?" i get that they don't know how to bring it up or deal with it, but it would just be nice, that's all. i do really feel very lonely with it, and i really feel like i am getting sadder about it with time, not better. i think initially i was in shock and a bit numb and thought i was coping really well, but now the pain is more and more raw....it just hurts and hurts and hurts 
does anyone have any thoughts on when they 'saw the light' a bit and stopped being so utterly miserable about it all? like you say sacha, i am fed up of feeling like this too....i used to be such a happy bubble of a person and now i just feel like a trainwreck all the time. i can't even imagine what i will be like on my due date when my friend has her baby. i want to be a good friend too, not a blubbering mess! |
Posted By: didi99
Date Posted: 27 November 2009 at 10:02am
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Big from me too.
It's only been 3 weeks for me so I can't really offer any helpful insight. A friend did just tell me on the weekend that he has knocked a girl up (that he wasn't even in a relationship with) unfortunately he found out just as we mc and has been to scared to tell us. I was surprisingly composed when he told me although then proceded to get extreamly drunk and spent that night and the next day with the loo. I can say that is definately not the answer and if anything just makes things worse. -------------  Angel Babies Nov 09, May 10, Dec 10
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 27 November 2009 at 10:44am
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something that i found helped me lots was to keep a journal. i put all my dark thoughts in there, plans, hopes, despair! everybody is different in how they cope and even how they grieve.
I do know that in time you wont feel so bad about your frinds children, but you need to try and be gentle on yourself. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 27 November 2009 at 10:59am
| I've been thinking about what your friends said and the reason I think I'd be upset is because the "we can go through this together this time" line is that minimizes grief you've felt as something inconsequential when it can be so overwhelming at times. It's part of who you are and will make that baby girl of yours so precious when she arrives! |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 27 November 2009 at 12:40pm
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its a hard one..they are probably saying that meaning to be helpful..some people just say the wrong things..
I get preg easily but have had two mc's one at 12 weeks and it took a while ... i guess till after we had E to be able to be happy for certain people.. and i hated feeling like it as it's not their fault that i had mc's:( two of my friends shared how they felt when they were trying to get preg when i was preg again this time and it was great..i appreciated knowing how they felt ... ugh its such a hard thing to talk about too though i guess and i got pissed off i was supposed to be 'over it' but the time i was pregnant again..though it did help a little..and more so when he came.. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 28 November 2009 at 12:08pm
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Lots of helpful thoughts here. Lemongirl I really appreciated your comment because I do feel like a miscarriage (for all that you wouldn't wish it on anyone) is a really important and significant thing to go through in its own right. It would probably make a difference if we all felt as able to share journeys of pain as well as of joy (eg talk about miscarriage as much as about pregnancy!). A response like your (no doubt!) well meaning friends gave you Sasha seems to suggest relief that miscarriage is wiped out and now you can be normal with them.
I think if I was pregnant again (or had had a child) I would feel less anxious (because when all you have in your history is miscarriage you naturally wonder what the future holds) but I am sure nothing will wipe out the experience of this miscarriage. It stands as what it is - the loss of potential to ever have my FIRST child. I have found this forum very helpful - in the initial time of pregnancy excitement and in the dawning understanding of miscarriage. |
Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 28 November 2009 at 12:11pm
| Oh also I have three close friends who are in early pregnancy at the moment, and it is quite surreal exchanging stories of symptoms and helpful tips (ginger beer and lemon juice for liquids etc) given that I am NOT pregnant anymore. Sometimes it does my head in, other times I accept it for what it is: the way the world turns. |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 29 November 2009 at 9:03am
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Thanks for your thoughts. Pikaboo I was like that too. I initially was upset then seemed to be going okay. But then it sort of resurfaced and then each month that went past it actually got a little worse. Obviously I can't offer any suggestions because my emotional path has not been ideal. I'm very much a "just pretend everything is okay" person so I reckon that is NOT the way to go. Have a holiday or something where you can heal yourself. I don't mean pretend it never happened but make it about dealing with it and starting the process of moving on; do some reflection, let yourself cry, write stuff down, have a little memorial ceremony, find someone you feel comfortable telling everything. I really struggle to talk about it with anyone (even counselors) in the flesh because I either come out sounding like a complete self absorbed bitch (which is what I feel like) or just start weeping. Someone told me that every tear is one step closer to feeling normal again but mine seem endless when it comes to this issue. I never thought that having a successful pregnancy would "fix" things but I thought that it would give me a buffer between me and the pain. I hope I just need more time. Thanks again everyone. I've found this site full of unconditional support. I just wish I'd found it sooner! ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: pikaboo
Date Posted: 29 November 2009 at 4:39pm
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Sasha I 100% agree with you about this site....everyone here has been awesome and I have found it so comforting to have people around who understand what I am going through (at times, better than I understand it myself!). It is better in some ways for me to read and write rather than talk about it, as I have the same issue of totally breaking down if I have to talk about it, even to counselors too.
Thanks for all the ideas of 'things to do' to try and move on a bit....I could have written the bit about feeling self-absorbed - of course you are NOT a self-absorbed b*tch (I can't even write it about you!), just very understandably sad about the loss of your angels....and all the hopes and dreams and whole kit and kaboodle rollercoaster that starts when we see that +ve line....I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to feel so hard done by, especially as I have a lovely wee girl already, I end up thinking how in the grand scale of life (and fertility probs), my probs are very small potatoes indeed. Reading your last post made me think that might just actually BE my problem....as I am also a "pretend everything is ok" gal, every time the sad feelings/tears surface, I push them down and tell myself I must stop before I descend into self-indulgence pity mode and just to get on with life. Hmmmm....I might just do a bit of journaling and reflection etc. And even go totally crazy and just let myself cry and get angry or whatever (when DD is in bed) - without feeling guilty about how I'm feeling at that point in time.... I don't know how it works, as my m/c was after I had DD, but with all my heart I wish for you that when your bubba is placed in your arms the pain fades and recedes into the background - not gone, but overshadowed by a newfound and well deserved happiness of watching your little one grow. |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 29 November 2009 at 8:31pm
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I feel a bit of a fraud offering suggestions actually. I guess these are the things I'm trying now and should have tried sooner. I am excited about this pregnancy and feel blessed that it has worked this time around. That's part of the problem though isn't it - we feel "guilty" about feeling bad, because like you I think that overall I have a good life that I should be (and am) grateful for. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 4:11pm
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OMG Sasha, you just reached into my head and scraped out my feelings completely!! I couldn't have described it better if I tried (your post about 3 up I'm meaning)
I cry every day and its 4 months since, and doesn't seem to be going away. Have avoided all people, pregnant or not, but especially pregnant. So I have no advice really to offer, just wanted to add a 'mee too' At what point would you say you reached a turning point? Only asking cos I actually think I was dealing with it better one month down the line as opposed to 3? |
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 02 December 2009 at 6:11pm
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Spanky, I really don't know. I still have bad (very bad) days but there are more good than bad now. But I can easily say that there was over a year of absolute misery which was obviously depression rather than just being upset. I could get to work, but that was the only time I left the house. I avoided all social situations at work (had lunch and morning tea at my desk) and even stopped checking emails and answering the phone. I obviously wasn't coping and it was horrible - I think this is why I keep trying to offer other people advice about how to cope. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. There are several miscarriage networks out there that I never tapped into but in hindsight I should have before it festered too much. Lots of people recommended this organisation (link below). Good luck with your journey. All I can really say (again in hindsight) is that nothing will bring back our little lost ones and we need to mourn them rather than "just getting on with it". Just because they were little didn't mean they were any less significant in our lives.
http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/what_mis.html - Miscarriage support network ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 09 December 2009 at 7:18pm
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Cheers Sasha. I had already tried the link you posted; however i'm really not a group type of person, and didn't think having to deal with the fears of other women in early stages of pregnancy would have been too helpful for me.
Right now, I'm thinking the grief is worse at different stages of the month, and triggered by being around other people (not ALL people). Have been posting on other sites and its helpful to see that other women are having exactly the same issues as me. Otherwise I think I would be trying to get myself sectioned! |
Posted By: didi99
Date Posted: 14 December 2009 at 1:11pm
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Out of interest has anyone on here actually looked for further help or support IRL (i.e.not on the internet).
DP told me yesterday that he thinks I might need to seek further support (counselling or similar). I think most of the time I'm OK, but I have been trying not to be around things that upset me. However I have had a few instances recently where I have gone extreamely overboard on the drink and ended up an emotional mess. ------------- Angel Babies Nov 09, May 10, Dec 10
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Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 14 December 2009 at 1:19pm
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I found support by meeting with someone I'd met on a forum who had experienced a miscarriage. She knew what I'd been through and just let me talk.
I think finding a counsellor is a good idea. My company gave me a pamphlet for some free counselling done through the company but I never followed it up (EAP - employee assistance program) - does your company maybe do something similar? ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: didi99
Date Posted: 14 December 2009 at 2:55pm
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No my company doesn't do anyting like that, possibly just not big enough.
Will definately look into finding someone as I can see I am not doing myself any good particulary with the drinking, unfortunately this time of year it is a bit too easy. ------------- Angel Babies Nov 09, May 10, Dec 10
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Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 14 December 2009 at 6:18pm
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This is by no means a lecture, and you seem to know it already, but try and not drown your sorrows. Alcohol is a depressant and if you're already upset/depressed it's going to make your overall mood worse (beyond the time you're actually drinking). ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 14 December 2009 at 6:57pm
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Am going to be heading down the counselling route, if anyone can recommend a good counsellor in the wellington area, please PM me.
I will ask the GP, but a tried and tested approach would also be valuable. Not employed as such, so EAP not an option for me, unfortunately I will have to pay for the 'pleasure'! Didi, hearing you. Booze is the one thing I have totally laid off, because of its depressant naturebecause I know it can turn me into the sobmonster from hell if I'm not feeling 100% when drinking. But then, avoiding nights out and stuff like that is my current method, so if you're a sociable person, must be a lot harder. But I think I can understand the thinking behind it, if this makes sense. Anything, to get out the current mindset, just for a holiday. But then I guess it just puts the headmash on hold, and prolongs everything. |
Posted By: didi99
Date Posted: 15 December 2009 at 1:19pm
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Yes I am definately going to put a leash on my drinking, I do know that it only makes things worse, and is such a bad trap to fall into am in no way deluding myself that it is in anyway an answer. ------------- Angel Babies Nov 09, May 10, Dec 10
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