My SIL is having her baby soon.

My BIL's girlfriend is having her baby soon (about a month).

We had both gotten pregnant around the same time, SIL ( i'll call her SIL because it's easier) hadn't realised she was pregnant as they had only been together for a few weeks before she fell pregnant, a week later I also found I was 6 weeks pregnant. While they were deciding weather to keep the baby or not.. we were over the moon as we were planning on trying the following month anyway.
She has had a very straight forward pregnancy with no problems and not even morning sickness, mine was not. I won't go into detail as I banged on about it in previous posts, so you've probably had enough
I haven't being able to face her yet as I haven't been coping well emotionally. I was hoping to get pregnant straight away too but I've had compications after the Miscarriage and D&C's and the doctors have told me I have to wait.

I'm feeling so jealous! It's eating me up.
I feel it just not fair as they didn't even want the baby.

I find myself having horrible nasty thoughts, I'm not a nasty person but I can't help it.

I want to be happy for her... But I'm not!

Has anybody been through something like this?
How did you cope?
And how did you cope when the baby was born?

Everyone just tells be not to worry about it and that I'll have a baby soon enough.. but it's not that easy.

And with all of the complications its up in the air as to weather I will or not... so those comments make it worse.

Sorry for the long post!

I personally think you should go and get some counselling, you dont seem to be working through it on your own, so some professional help might help you plan ways to address

A) your feelings
B) how you are going to cope when the baby arrives.

Hi there,
I'm unsure of your situation as I'm knew to this forum. What is your post and I'll have a look.

I just want to say that I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and the feelings you're having are normal. They may be a bit extreme, but I doubt you're the only person that has had those thoughts and feelings before. I agree, that maybe seeking help is a good idea. Who you go to and how you go about it is up to you. Maybe a good start would be www.miscarriage.org.nz to see what services are available or even to ask for advise. But you want to overcome these feelings, so however you do this it's a good thing.

If these forums help you, then keep posting. Get all of your feelings out on here if you think it makes things better. We won't judge.

I hope you get healing soon, and although it may be a long process, I'm sure you will get there.

Thinking of you.
xx

Hi Jacindarella

It's a tough situation. The issue of planned/unplanned is in some ways irrelevant - I think inevitably it's hard watching someone go through a successful pregnancy in line with your own unsuccessful pregnancy. It brings the randomness of your pain into focus every time.

I agree it's terrible when people glibly say "oh you'll get a baby soon" when the FACT is that is not certain. Some people DON'T and that's part of the grief/anxiety of having a miscarriage when you haven't had a baby - you don't know if your body is able.

Counselling could be helpful, as others have said. I have heard very good things about one person's experience of seeing a grief counsellor who specialised in miscarriage, and kellyd's suggestion of the miscarriage site sounds like a good place to start. I found it helpful to think of my miscarriage as a really important journey that I was going through, just as important and formative as pregnancy and mothering. It was 5 months from when I found out my baby was dead to finding out I was pregnant again. In retrospect it's not that long, and I think for onlookers it's not that long either, but 5 months of wondering what the future holds takes a big toll.

I also found it helpful not to think comparatively, as two of my SILs got pregnant just after my mc. It's your grief and your experience - your SIL will have her own griefs and experiences to deal with in life.

It is hard. And everyone chatting here knows that and hopes the best for you!!

Jacindarella wrote: Thank you ladies. So it seems these are not normal feelings I am having?

I don't think its the actual feelings we think are "abnormal" but more the depth of those feelings and the time you have been feeling like this that is the worry.

And .. it wouldnt hurt to talk to someone, so definately give them a call and see what they can do for you.

Your post was pretty much me, including the complications that I was told I had to wait until I tried again. I ignored that advice (probably stupidly), but as it happened it was 18 months before I fell pregnant again anyway. And I completely had those feeling of how unfair it all. I'd been trying for years and done everything right and yet had still lost 2, but other people around me fell pregnant straight away, accidentally or were smoking/drinking etc, etc. I had to pretend to be happy for close friends, one who had her daughter on my first due date. No matter how illogical or normally not me these feelings were I still had them. I still feel a little like that even now that when I hear friends are pregnant again, even although I now have my little girl. Hard to say what's "normal". Miscarriage is so personal. But I agree with the others. Try to find someone you can talk to to work through things because letting those sorts of feelings fester is a bad idea.

Big hugs honey. It completely sucks.

MrsMojo wrote: Jacindarella wrote: I asked my doctor about councelling but she told me there was none available for my situation. I will ring Miscarriage support and see if they can help.   Gosh that wasn't helpful was it!  There may not be counsellers that deal with only the specific issues you are facing but there will be counsellors that can help you work through your feelings. As LF said it's not that what you're feeling is abnormal, it's just that it's clearly affecting you so deeply and overflowing into different aspects of your life and negatively affecting familial relationships (just reading between the lines here).  So be assured that you're not strange or out of line to be feeling these things but you can get help.

My situation being, in her words - "only a miscarriage"

 You're kidding?! Gosh the things I'd love to say in response to that

Find yourself another GP. If you are in Auckland, I can recommend you a good albeit pricey one.

Hi again Jacinderalla,

firstly, I just want to say how angry I am with your GP. What a thoughtless thing to say. Is your GP a male? If so, find a female GP. If it's a female, I would have to say she's a heartless cow who has never been through this type of thing. I went to my GP after my M/C to get my hormone levels tested, and she was awesome. She had been through 4 M/C and knew what I was going through. She was so supported and so sad for me, and that's the type of GP you need. Unfortunately I'm in Hamilton so there's not point recommeding her. I also went to one of the nurses just to get a copy of some unrelated results and she must've read my history because she also was really kind and supportive. It sux that you have to work hard to find someone who will help you, but it will be worth it in the end. Find a GP who a) gives a sh*t and b) who is going to WANT to help you. Isn't that what they're supposed to do anyway??? I just don't get it.

I also have to agree that keeping yourself busy is a great distraction. I sell both Tupperware and Prenzel for a bit of spare cash and something for me to do. I had a Tupperware party the night after my miscarriage and although I wasn't really feeling up to it, I went and had a great time and it was excellent to go back to "before", even if it was just a few hours. The mind distraction is the best thing to help the healing process. My main concern during the party was that I was going to bleed too much and have to leave suddenly! But all was good and it was good getting out.

Keep trying the miscarriage support number. They work from home and get no government funding - it's just people like us running it - so they probably have trouble answering the phone sometimes. But I'm sure they will really be able to put you onto somebody. Even browse their website for other links or useful people etc.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you.

Healing will happen for you.

xx