My SIL is having her baby soon.
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=32968
Printed Date: 18 July 2025 at 10:33pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: My SIL is having her baby soon.
Posted By: Jacindarella
Subject: My SIL is having her baby soon.
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 9:42am
|
My BIL's girlfriend is having her baby soon (about a month).
We had both gotten pregnant around the same time, SIL ( i'll call her SIL because it's easier) hadn't realised she was pregnant as they had only been together for a few weeks before she fell pregnant, a week later I also found I was 6 weeks pregnant. While they were deciding weather to keep the baby or not.. we were over the moon as we were planning on trying the following month anyway. She has had a very straight forward pregnancy with no problems and not even morning sickness, mine was not. I won't go into detail as I banged on about it in previous posts, so you've probably had enough 
I haven't being able to face her yet as I haven't been coping well emotionally. I was hoping to get pregnant straight away too but I've had compications after the Miscarriage and D&C's and the doctors have told me I have to wait. I'm feeling so jealous! It's eating me up. I feel it just not fair as they didn't even want the baby. I find myself having horrible nasty thoughts, I'm not a nasty person but I can't help it. I want to be happy for her... But I'm not! Has anybody been through something like this? How did you cope? And how did you cope when the baby was born? Everyone just tells be not to worry about it and that I'll have a baby soon enough.. but it's not that easy. And with all of the complications its up in the air as to weather I will or not... so those comments make it worse. Sorry for the long post! |
Replies:
Posted By: james
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 10:25am
i have never been thur this but just want to send you a big hug ------------- <a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b4.lilypie.com/nLJ5p13.png" alt="Lilypie 4th Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a> |
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 11:44am
|
I personally think you should go and get some counselling, you dont seem to be working through it on your own, so some professional help might help you plan ways to address
A) your feelings B) how you are going to cope when the baby arrives. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
|
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 12:59pm
|
That reminds me of the depression ad on TV when John Kirwan says he spoke to a mate about it and was told to "harden up". You have had some pretty serious trauma and I think you need to talk to someone about it. If you are emplopyed your workplace may have EAP, if so definitely make the most of it. Otherwise there are plenty of community groups that offer free counselling (check with your citizens advice bureau) or you could speak to your doctor about being referred to a phsycologist. PTSD is very serious and considering what you've been through it wouldn't be surprising if you are suffering from a form of it. If nothing else it will help to talk through your issues and discuss different coping mechanisms. I expect your brother and SIL do want and love their baby even if it was not what they wanted at the time but I understand why you are feeling jealous and resentful towards them. Please get help. There is no shame in admitting that you're not coping and need help but it would be a great shame if you missed out on being an aunty because of your overwhelming jealousy. -------------  
|
Jacindarella wrote:Posted By: kellyd
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 2:03pm
|
Hi there,
I'm unsure of your situation as I'm knew to this forum. What is your post and I'll have a look. I just want to say that I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and the feelings you're having are normal. They may be a bit extreme, but I doubt you're the only person that has had those thoughts and feelings before. I agree, that maybe seeking help is a good idea. Who you go to and how you go about it is up to you. Maybe a good start would be www.miscarriage.org.nz to see what services are available or even to ask for advise. But you want to overcome these feelings, so however you do this it's a good thing. If these forums help you, then keep posting. Get all of your feelings out on here if you think it makes things better. We won't judge. I hope you get healing soon, and although it may be a long process, I'm sure you will get there. Thinking of you. xx |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 2:32pm
|
Oh hun miscarriages really suck don't they? Especially if you end up with complications.
I had something of a similar situation, my partner's best friend's wife was due within days of my own pregnancy. I ended up with really bad complications as well. I still haven't seen their baby because it hurts so bad and everytime someone announces their pregnancy I feel that old twinge. Something I found that worked for me was to have other things in my life so that my mind wasn't so consumed with 'Baby, baby now.' So I did a cake decorating class. Now this probably sounds quite corny, but the class gave me something to look forward to each week. I sometimes had to drag myself there, but I ended up enjoying it once I got there. The substance might be different for you, it might be a holiday or learning a new sport. But perhaps look at this enforced time out from procreation as a chance to do something FOR YOU. Because once you get pregnant and have kiddies you are going to find that you have other priorities. I really second the idea of getting some counselling. Go talk to your GP especially if you have other symptoms like tiredness, weight gain etc. Many women probably end up with a form of depression after m/c and suffer unnecessairly. |
Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 2:38pm
|
Hi Jacindarella
It's a tough situation. The issue of planned/unplanned is in some ways irrelevant - I think inevitably it's hard watching someone go through a successful pregnancy in line with your own unsuccessful pregnancy. It brings the randomness of your pain into focus every time. I agree it's terrible when people glibly say "oh you'll get a baby soon" when the FACT is that is not certain. Some people DON'T and that's part of the grief/anxiety of having a miscarriage when you haven't had a baby - you don't know if your body is able. Counselling could be helpful, as others have said. I have heard very good things about one person's experience of seeing a grief counsellor who specialised in miscarriage, and kellyd's suggestion of the miscarriage site sounds like a good place to start. I found it helpful to think of my miscarriage as a really important journey that I was going through, just as important and formative as pregnancy and mothering. It was 5 months from when I found out my baby was dead to finding out I was pregnant again. In retrospect it's not that long, and I think for onlookers it's not that long either, but 5 months of wondering what the future holds takes a big toll. I also found it helpful not to think comparatively, as two of my SILs got pregnant just after my mc. It's your grief and your experience - your SIL will have her own griefs and experiences to deal with in life. It is hard. And everyone chatting here knows that and hopes the best for you!! |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 2:47pm
|
Thank you ladies.
So it seems these are not normal feelings I am having? I am suffering from Depression and have been seeing a Naturopath to sort that out..which I thought was starting to help. But as my Due date and SIL due date comes closer, it's getting harder. I asked my doctor about councelling but she told me there was none available for my situation. I will ring Miscarriage support and see if they can help. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: lilfatty
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 3:15pm
I don't think its the actual feelings we think are "abnormal" but more the depth of those feelings and the time you have been feeling like this that is the worry. And .. it wouldnt hurt to talk to someone, so definately give them a call and see what they can do for you. ------------- Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months) I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year http://www.femininefitness.co.nz/category/blog - LFs weight blog
|
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 5:49pm
|
Gosh that wasn't helpful was it! There may not be counsellers that deal with only the specific issues you are facing but there will be counsellors that can help you work through your feelings. As LF said it's not that what you're feeling is abnormal, it's just that it's clearly affecting you so deeply and overflowing into different aspects of your life and negatively affecting familial relationships (just reading between the lines here). So be assured that you're not strange or out of line to be feeling these things but you can get help. -------------
|
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 6:26pm
|
Your post was pretty much me, including the complications that I was told I had to wait until I tried again. I ignored that advice (probably stupidly), but as it happened it was 18 months before I fell pregnant again anyway. And I completely had those feeling of how unfair it all. I'd been trying for years and done everything right and yet had still lost 2, but other people around me fell pregnant straight away, accidentally or were smoking/drinking etc, etc. I had to pretend to be happy for close friends, one who had her daughter on my first due date. No matter how illogical or normally not me these feelings were I still had them. I still feel a little like that even now that when I hear friends are pregnant again, even although I now have my little girl. Hard to say what's "normal". Miscarriage is so personal. But I agree with the others. Try to find someone you can talk to to work through things because letting those sorts of feelings fester is a bad idea.
Big hugs honey. It completely sucks. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 6:33pm
|
I've been ringing Miscarriage support all afternoon.
I get a message saying they're busy. I'll keep trying though. I think I needed a kick up the bum to get some help! I just kept thinking that it would get better.. but it's obviously not going away on its own! And thanks for reminding me that I play a part in the family also.. I don't have alot of support so I had just been trying to get myself through each day. I hadn't really thought about that side of things! I've been un-intentionally selfish. So I've got about a month to get myself sorted so I can turn up to the hospital with a big bunch of flowers and a smile on my face!  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 6:45pm
My situation being, in her words - "only a miscarriage" ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: luvmylittlies
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 7:10pm
I'm absolutely stunned. I have a fairly low opinion of GP's anyway but this is still appalling. I hope you can find the strength to be the doting aunt and that your turn comes soon. ------------- Adoring Mum to Talisin 8/9/11 and Kiara 18/01/10 |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 7:19pm
|
You're kidding?! -------------
|
Gosh the things I'd love to say in response to that 
Posted By: Luckymama23
Date Posted: 20 April 2010 at 8:54pm
|
Hey Jacinderella,
So sorry to hear about your situation, especially the terrible treatment u have been getting from drs etc, hope u find someone who can help soon :) going through a similar thing, justhad 2 consecutive miscarriages, and my husbands sister has just had her baby (which was due 4weeks before 0ne of ours) now his other sister is preg too and has been going on and on about it from th min she found out. (I know she has every right to be excited, but its so hard hearing every little detail Anyway, hope u find some help/support soon, and all the best xx |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 9:44am
| Find yourself another GP. If you are in Auckland, I can recommend you a good albeit pricey one. |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 10:27am
|
Hi Lemongirl,
I am in Auckland and would love a recommendation! I have been keeping an ear out for a good doctor. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: kellyd
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 3:22pm
|
Hi again Jacinderalla,
firstly, I just want to say how angry I am with your GP. What a thoughtless thing to say. Is your GP a male? If so, find a female GP. If it's a female, I would have to say she's a heartless cow who has never been through this type of thing. I went to my GP after my M/C to get my hormone levels tested, and she was awesome. She had been through 4 M/C and knew what I was going through. She was so supported and so sad for me, and that's the type of GP you need. Unfortunately I'm in Hamilton so there's not point recommeding her. I also went to one of the nurses just to get a copy of some unrelated results and she must've read my history because she also was really kind and supportive. It sux that you have to work hard to find someone who will help you, but it will be worth it in the end. Find a GP who a) gives a sh*t and b) who is going to WANT to help you. Isn't that what they're supposed to do anyway??? I just don't get it. I also have to agree that keeping yourself busy is a great distraction. I sell both Tupperware and Prenzel for a bit of spare cash and something for me to do. I had a Tupperware party the night after my miscarriage and although I wasn't really feeling up to it, I went and had a great time and it was excellent to go back to "before", even if it was just a few hours. The mind distraction is the best thing to help the healing process. My main concern during the party was that I was going to bleed too much and have to leave suddenly! But all was good and it was good getting out. Keep trying the miscarriage support number. They work from home and get no government funding - it's just people like us running it - so they probably have trouble answering the phone sometimes. But I'm sure they will really be able to put you onto somebody. Even browse their website for other links or useful people etc. Keep us posted on how things are going for you. Healing will happen for you. xx |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 4:19pm
|
Hi Kellyd,
The doctor was female, she was my second doctor after my miscarrige, the first was a male and he said something very insensitive the day I found I had lost the baby.. so I found another doctor and she was just as bad! Some people just shouldn't be doctors! I'm not very happy with doctors at the moment.. I'm sick of all the "bandaid" doctors around too , theres not many that want to get to the bottom of things! I'm still trying to get through to Miscarriage support. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 21 April 2010 at 6:43pm
|
:( I'm sorry you have been treated that way too...twice..just know they are the ones who are pathetic and obviously not been through something so upsetting:( I've had a missed mc and a natural mc and I felt the same as well.. I'm not sure if i worked through it or getting preg with Ethan helped but I didnt get access to counselling and realised way too late when i got PND/depression a while after having Ethan that it stemmed from this..
my friend and workmate had her baby a few weeks after i lost mine and it was so hard..i did force myself to confront it but i felt similar feelings to you I just figured that it wasn't her fault I lost the baby and I wouldn't want her to be angry and upset about facing me if it were the other way round.. :( anyway having been there i know how much it sucks and I hope things get better soon for you x ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 12:31pm
|
Thank you for all of your support!
Does anyone know if there is a safe Antidepressant to take during pregnancy? I have suffered with depression even as a child and I had been on and off (mostly on) Antidepressants since age 18, i was cutting down to come off them when I fell pregnant and came off them completely when I found out I was pregnant. I'm trying my best with herbs / minerals and St Johns Wort at the moment but I really don't think it's doing enough. I can't carry on with the St Johns wort during pregnacy anyway. I know some people will think that I don't have the right to have a baby if I can't do it without Antidepressants, I even think it myself sometimes. And I always thought I would be drug free while pregnant but I'm not sure if that is possible for me. thanks ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: kellyd
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 1:50pm
|
PND and depression is something we have no control over, and people with depression can be and are often the best mums out there. So I'm sure nobody is thinking that you don't have the right to have a baby. The two things are often totally unrelated.
I don't know if there are safe anti-depressants out there, but I know there are a lot of pregnant people out there on anti-depressants who have totally healthy babies. So there must be. Try googling it and seeing what other people have to say on the topic. You might find a relevant forum just for that topic. There's another NZ website with forums http://www2.everybody.co.nz/forum/ubbthreads.php/forums/7/1/Miscarriage which may have something useful. Also, have you tried emailing one of the experts on this site (Ask Our Experts)? They may be able to answer some of your questions, or even put you on the right track for the information you're after. So have a look and see if there's anything there. I think the important thing here is that you have recognised that there are some issues that need addressing and are trying to get help for them. That is a huge thing in itself, so good on you. Many people either can't recognise it, or refuse to do anything about it. So your head is in the right place which is a good thing. Unfortunately, the people out there that are supposed to be there to help haven't done their job, and so you're having to fight to get help. That's not on. Have you tried ringing the phone number that's on the TV with the John Kirwin ads?? I don't even know what it is now, but it's mental health services of some sort...I just googled it and found the website http://www.depression.org.nz/?gclid=CKO1uJ2XmaECFRsVawodHnEDZA The phone number is 0800 111 757 It's all about depression so maybe this could be a good starting point for you. I'm sure if you explain your circumstances, and that you've been to 2 GPs to try and get help and they have basically told you to harden up, they will be able to help in some way, whether it's recommend the right services for you or recommend a good counselling service... I don't know. But I just think you're doing an awesome job by trying to get to grips with your situation and actively trying to help yourself .
BTW, I love your signature thingee (...too beautiful for earth). I'm going to put that in my memory book for my angel baby. It makes something horrible a little bit happier, if you know what I mean. All the best and let us know how you get on with it all. |
Posted By: MrsMojo
Date Posted: 22 April 2010 at 8:46pm
|
I'm not 100% sure about Anti-depressants but I think, as with many drugs during pregnancy and lactation, the doctors weigh up the risks and benefits. In your case they may find the benefits outweigh the risks so they'd prescribe a drug which is not confirmed to be safe but not harmful either. In other words when it has been used there have been no harmful side effects to the baby but they have been unable to find a test group of pregnant women to test the drug properly. -------------
|
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 10:01am
Hi Kellyd, Thank you! I did ring the phone number awhile ago and they told me to go to the doctor, which I did.. the doctor I spoke about before. it's actually Life line. So now I just have to find a doctor that I trust : ) Do you want me to send you the code for the signature thingy? ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 23 April 2010 at 10:07am
Hi Mrsmojo, Yeah, thats what I was afaid of.. thats why I decided to try a naturopath first. I'll just have to find a good doctor and have a chat : ) ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: frankie
Date Posted: 26 April 2010 at 4:50pm
|
Jacindarella, firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.
Your story touched me because I felt much the same when my sister fell pregnant after I had been trying to conceive without success for a long time. I instantly formed a terrible jealousy and can quite honestly say that I hated her for a time. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you having had a child in your womb and having that taken away, and having to cope with a close family member having a baby. Re antidepressants - I am currently PG and take the cipromil antidepressant . I have been on it for 8 years - I have never been hugely depressed but do suffer from mild depression when not taking medication. When I made the decision to have a baby, I weighed up with my doctor whether to stay on it or not, while I was TTC, but as I had a really long and rough journey with conceiving, I stayed on it for my mental sanity. We decided to review that once I fell PG. My doctor has advised me to stay on it while PG and breastfeeding as well, as there is no evidence to say that it DOES harm a baby, and she believes it is far better for the Mum to be emotionally healthy throughout the pregnancy, than not. She said she has plenty of patients who have given birth to healthy babies whilst on antidepressants, and not seen any adverse effects. My midwife has also said that she has not seen any problems from her patients who have been taking anti-depressants while pregnant. To be on the safe side I have cut down to taking the pill every 2nd day and finding that sufficient to keep away my blues and stay mentally well. Every now and then I question if I should keep taking it but I figure I will be no use to my baby if I am unhappy and depressed. I don't think you should look at it that you are not allowed to have a baby just because you need to take antidepressants. SOOO many people take them that they may as well put them in our water system! The other thing you could do is take them now to assist you during your grief, and then once you fall PG again, try to cut down or eliminate then if you feel bad taking them. Good luck and do what feels right for you. and don't be too hard on yourself for how you feel about your BIL and his partner. Just look out for yourself, they will have plenty of other well wishers when the baby comes. |
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 26 April 2010 at 8:53pm
|
re the AD's I am on citalopram and wen ton it at 24 weeks..the risks are mostly a small risk of facial deformities and almost no risks after the first 12 weeks..for me it was necessary to take it then and it's made a world of difference I have to take it after my morning feed so he gets the least exposure to it but otherwise nothing different. ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 13 May 2010 at 3:52pm
Thank you Frankie, It's nice to know That I'm not the only one to ever feel this way! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 13 May 2010 at 3:53pm
Thanks Elfsmum : ) ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: Jacindarella
Date Posted: 13 May 2010 at 4:07pm
|
Thank you everyone for your support!
It gave me the strength to do what I needed to do 
I went to the doctor and he put me on Anti depressants, So I'm now on Citalopram which I have been on before (I wasn't sure about them because they were so evil to get off last time) but the doctor says they are the safest. I knew I had to.. I was just digging in my toes. Apart from the terrible side effects of getting on them, I am starting to feel a little better emotionally
Once these side effects wear off, I'll be able to think clearly and decide what to do from here. Again, thank you all for your kind words, support and kicks up the bum ------------- http://lilypie.com">
|