responding to the dumb comments

'Its natures way' - yeah well nature sucks

As Horton puts it ' A person's a person not matter how small'

Good list Stef. You know, I sometimes find myself using the "miscarriages are really common" line in order to beat the other person to it because I hate hearing it.

Hi ,

People can say silly things some people don't know what to say and others don't care too much about it and it shows in their comments. The worst one I got was "it wasn't meant to be" I thought that was a pretty ruff thing to say when you have just lost a baby.

MB1970 wrote: I got a doozy yesterday: "Bet you're pleased you're not pregnant anymore in this heat. You'll have to plan the next one better!" I was kind of like "oh ah hmmmm yeah"... Wanted to say :'Sure I'm stoked I lost the bub cause if I hadn't, man I'd be sweating like a pig right now, and yeah next time i'll have New Year's Day sex so that my bub is due in Sept/Oct - actually might put that in the diary now - will give me time to find it a father!' Haha I know they're well meaning and totally would be mortified if they knew how mindless those comments are, however....

OMG that's awful Some people just don't have a clue...

Jessies mum, I can relate to that planned pregnancy thing - the nurse at my then-surgery on the phone, after I'd been put through to her in tears (me in tears not her ;-) ) giving me a lecture about unplanned pregnancy and the need to use contraception if I don;t want to become pregnant.

Excuse me! I'm 32, not 13, I have a Bachelor of science degree in a allied health profession, and I'm perfectly aware of how babies are made.
The reason I was crying was because, after 5 weeks of spotting and a visit to the doctor there, in which the possibility of pregnancy never seemed to enter his tiny mind (hello, 32 year old female wants kids 'at some point', not using contraception, having cycle irregularities) prescribing me meds and me retrospectively having a massive stress that these meds have caused harm to my baby after I got a BFP at 8 weeks. THATS why I was upset.

I'm also sick of being reassured that becasue I've had 1 mc, I'm no higher statistical risk for having another. How can someone reassure me when they DON'T know what the future holds. And as for statistical risks - of less chance once you've seen the heartbeat/had USS, got out of the 1st trimester - I did ALL of those and STILL miscarried, so I have no faith in 'statistics', because I seem to fall into the minority in lots of (unrelated) cases

Edited by spanky77

Indeed I do, Jo. Yes I can conceive but I don;t know that I can carry to term?
Whats worse, being given a taste of something you want, or knowing that you can't have it at all?
No there's no right answer, and yes, its good that I'm ovulating and our sperm/egg thingy is 'compatible', but come on, 2.5 years of no contraception, one year of BBT, one mc and far too much blood than anyone should have to deal with, yup, right now, I'm not feeling 'positive' about any of this


but of course, we don;t talk about the blood and the fetus in company cos isn't thats bad taste, isn't it!

One girl, when I told her I was utd initially, was like "are you gonna keep it?"
OMG, she apparently had mc years ago too!

If I ever get utd and someone ask me if it was 'planned' OMG they are certainly going to get more information than they bargained for, hopefully they will think twice before they ask a question like that again!
Like who NEEDs to know that? - if the pregnancy wasn't planned, imagine that child finding out years later from a family friend (yes I was THAT child too).

My mums classic (also had a mc 40 years ago) its probably for the best, lets hope the next one is normal.

God this subject really riles me! Like I didn't get upset enough by what had ahappened, never mind having to deal with other peoples ineptitude at handling grief

Oh and even health professionals can be idiots as I've found out. I think it was my first m/c and had been to doctors to get pregnancy confirmed and then ended back up the doctors later as I was bleeding. (for whatever reason I didn't do another test perhaps I was niave (sp) in earlier ttc times as I never thought m/c would happen to me of course). So I did a test and the nurse came back and said it was negative, I started bawling my eyes out and she said ' So this wasn't the result you were expecting". No, I was meant to be pregnant if you had of checked my notes.
I never in a hundred years (not that I've lived a hundred but YKWIM) thought that getting pregnant let alone staying pregnant was going to be a lot longer,stressful and at times painful journey than what I anticipated.
Hugs to everyone and bring on those sticky embies.

Wow, it amazing what people will say isn't it?!

I hope I have learnt some lessons from other people's dumb comments that I can carry over to other parts of life. I think it has made me more careful about what I say in response to sorrow and pain - accepting it for what it is to them not trying to put my own spin on it.

Hi just going through my second MC now .... yeah not looking forward to the dumb comments. What drove me nuts is how last time a lot of people were like "Oh there was something wrong with the baby so that's why you lost it." They would tell me like they were educating me on this enlightening fact and I never would have heard this theory before! Grrrr!

I haven't had a miscarriage but have had results telling us we miscarried only to have a heartbeat a week later on a scan so for a week I felt what it was like. Just a small bit of what many of you have been through.

Our comment was from the doctor. I went in with bleeding and he was busy so he stood outside my cubicle with just a curtain saying "Well we are busy right now if she is bleeding there is nothing we can do anyway". He then went on to tell me I probably had miscarried and sent me for a scan which confirmed (I still have the paper) that the fetus had stopped growing at 4 weeks and there was no heartbeat. If it wasn't for a midwife I hadn't even seen yet coming round to my house that night at 9pm after working 36 hours straight. She gave me a cuddle and let me cry and ordered bloods for me which the doctor didn't bother doing. I would have continued beleiving that my now 9 year old was gone.    

I think medical professionals see it day in and day out and sometimes forget the empathy side of things. When it is your job you become mechanical about things which I understand. But his words will always be in my memory. Even with a good outcome I look back with bitterness. But at the same time fondness for that midwife that came and helped me.