responding to the dumb comments
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=31689
Printed Date: 16 July 2025 at 9:20am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: responding to the dumb comments
Posted By: lemongirl
Subject: responding to the dumb comments
Date Posted: 16 February 2010 at 1:50pm
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At least you can get pregnant.
The goal of pregnancy isn't simply a positive pregnancy test but a baby at the end of it. At least you weren't further along in your pregnancy. I could feel my baby's presence from very early in the pregnancy and had already started bonding with it. It was probably for the best. Thank you for minimizing my grief as something so inconsquential. Everything will be fine next time. Actually you don't know if it will be fine, there's always that chance.. You should have taken better care of yourself. Thanks for telling me I killed my baby! Babies are born to women who smoke, drink, or have too much coffee as well as to women who do all the things considered healthy for the growing fetus. Both groups of women also miscarry. Why should your words confirm the self-condemnation and uncertainty the woman is already feeling? Miscarriages are really, really, common. Then list all the people you know who have a had a miscarriage. Lots of bad things are really common, but that doesn't make the pain go away. You've already got healthy children. And I grieve for the sibling that they will never meet. |
Replies:
Posted By: littlestar
Date Posted: 16 February 2010 at 3:21pm
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'Its natures way' - yeah well nature sucks
As Horton puts it ' A person's a person not matter how small' ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 16 February 2010 at 4:01pm
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Sometimes though people say dumb things without meaning too cause they think they should say something and then when they do they regret it. Its such a personal thing and unless it is "your" miscarriage then other people wont understand - even those who have had on. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 16 February 2010 at 4:33pm
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Good list Stef. You know, I sometimes find myself using the "miscarriages are really common" line in order to beat the other person to it because I hate hearing it.
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Posted By: asicsgal
Date Posted: 18 February 2010 at 12:58pm
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Great list Lemongirl, all of them are soooo true, the first three pretty much some up some of the comments I've had after 3 m/c's. Oh I should put it excludes the ladies on Oh Baby though. For the majority of us we know someone on here who has had the experience of how gut wrenching they are.
Little star love the Horton quote- how very true. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: bjcutie
Date Posted: 18 February 2010 at 9:44pm
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Hi ,
People can say silly things some people don't know what to say and others don't care too much about it and it shows in their comments. The worst one I got was "it wasn't meant to be" I thought that was a pretty ruff thing to say when you have just lost a baby. |
Posted By: MB1970
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 1:42pm
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I got a doozy yesterday:
"Bet you're pleased you're not pregnant anymore in this heat. You'll have to plan the next one better!" I was kind of like "oh ah hmmmm yeah"... Wanted to say :'Sure I'm stoked I lost the bub cause if I hadn't, man I'd be sweating like a pig right now, and yeah next time i'll have New Year's Day sex so that my bub is due in Sept/Oct - actually might put that in the diary now - will give me time to find it a father!' Haha I know they're well meaning and totally would be mortified if they knew how mindless those comments are, however.... 
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Posted By: X
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 2:09pm
OMG that's awful Some people just don't have a clue...------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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MB1970 wrote:Posted By: jessiesmum
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 3:01pm
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Oh my goodness I thought I'd heard some corkers but that takes the cake!!
I really resented how many times I was asked by health professionals if it was a planned pregnancy. I took from that they wanted to ask if it was wanted. I think I got watery-eyed everytime I tried to answer as we'd been trying for quite some time. The other comment that stayed with me was a text from my MIL who commented that she was sorry to hear my news and she was having lovely cuddles with her newest grandchild. I couldn't believe her!! |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 6:23pm
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Jessies mum, I can relate to that planned pregnancy thing - the nurse at my then-surgery on the phone, after I'd been put through to her in tears (me in tears not her ;-) ) giving me a lecture about unplanned pregnancy and the need to use contraception if I don;t want to become pregnant.
Excuse me! I'm 32, not 13, I have a Bachelor of science degree in a allied health profession, and I'm perfectly aware of how babies are made. The reason I was crying was because, after 5 weeks of spotting and a visit to the doctor there, in which the possibility of pregnancy never seemed to enter his tiny mind (hello, 32 year old female wants kids 'at some point', not using contraception, having cycle irregularities) prescribing me meds and me retrospectively having a massive stress that these meds have caused harm to my baby after I got a BFP at 8 weeks. THATS why I was upset. I'm also sick of being reassured that becasue I've had 1 mc, I'm no higher statistical risk for having another. How can someone reassure me when they DON'T know what the future holds. And as for statistical risks - of less chance once you've seen the heartbeat/had USS, got out of the 1st trimester - I did ALL of those and STILL miscarried, so I have no faith in 'statistics', because I seem to fall into the minority in lots of (unrelated) cases |
Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 6:49pm
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spanky I totally agree in terms of reassurance following one miscarriage. People like to say "at least you know you can get pregnant" but the sentence I complete in my mind is "at least you know you can get pregnant and kill the baby" because until I have a baby that is all I've got to go on...
Sounds a bit gloomy but ya'll probably know what I mean. |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 7:56pm
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Indeed I do, Jo. Yes I can conceive but I don;t know that I can carry to term?
Whats worse, being given a taste of something you want, or knowing that you can't have it at all? No there's no right answer, and yes, its good that I'm ovulating and our sperm/egg thingy is 'compatible', but come on, 2.5 years of no contraception, one year of BBT, one mc and far too much blood than anyone should have to deal with, yup, right now, I'm not feeling 'positive' about any of this but of course, we don;t talk about the blood and the fetus in company cos isn't thats bad taste, isn't it! One girl, when I told her I was utd initially, was like "are you gonna keep it?" OMG, she apparently had mc years ago too! If I ever get utd and someone ask me if it was 'planned' OMG they are certainly going to get more information than they bargained for, hopefully they will think twice before they ask a question like that again! Like who NEEDs to know that? - if the pregnancy wasn't planned, imagine that child finding out years later from a family friend (yes I was THAT child too). My mums classic (also had a mc 40 years ago) its probably for the best, lets hope the next one is normal. God this subject really riles me! Like I didn't get upset enough by what had ahappened, never mind having to deal with other peoples ineptitude at handling grief |
Posted By: asicsgal
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 8:11pm
OMG that one is horrible, if somebody said that to me I don't know whether I'd be so stunned I couldn't find the words, or whether I'd turn around and say something extremely rude. At this rate I wouldn't care what time of year I got pregnant, as long as I got pregnant and stayed pregnant, for 9 months  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: asicsgal
Date Posted: 20 February 2010 at 8:22pm
Oh and even health professionals can be idiots as I've found out. I think it was my first m/c and had been to doctors to get pregnancy confirmed and then ended back up the doctors later as I was bleeding. (for whatever reason I didn't do another test perhaps I was niave (sp) in earlier ttc times as I never thought m/c would happen to me of course). So I did a test and the nurse came back and said it was negative, I started bawling my eyes out and she said ' So this wasn't the result you were expecting". No, I was meant to be pregnant if you had of checked my notes.
 I never in a hundred years (not that I've lived a hundred but YKWIM) thought that getting pregnant let alone staying pregnant was going to be a lot longer,stressful and at times painful journey than what I anticipated.
Hugs to everyone and bring on those sticky embies. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: shellgirl
Date Posted: 21 February 2010 at 8:07am
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My brother-in-law and his wife had their third baby the same day we found out first bean wasn't going to make it last August.
About a week later my MIL said "You guys think you have got it hard, they've got projectile peeing and pooing going on at their house" At that time ,I would have given anything to know that was still on the cards for us..... And even though we are lucky to be expecting again (due on the day I mc'd the little bean) there is still an ache when I think of the first. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 21 February 2010 at 9:31am
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Wow, it amazing what people will say isn't it?!
I hope I have learnt some lessons from other people's dumb comments that I can carry over to other parts of life. I think it has made me more careful about what I say in response to sorrow and pain - accepting it for what it is to them not trying to put my own spin on it. |
Posted By: asicsgal
Date Posted: 21 February 2010 at 11:09am
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Yep I know what you mean Jo1979. Although people may go through the same experience like m/c and loss of loved ones we all take a different journey to healing and for some the grief cycle takes a lot longer. Some people can just be plain insensitive. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Hope
Date Posted: 13 March 2010 at 7:37pm
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Hi just going through my second MC now .... yeah not looking forward to the dumb comments. What drove me nuts is how last time a lot of people were like "Oh there was something wrong with the baby so that's why you lost it." They would tell me like they were educating me on this enlightening fact and I never would have heard this theory before! Grrrr!
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Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 13 March 2010 at 11:16pm
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"Oh well, at least you have one baby" gets me. I am grateful to have Jackson, but my dreams involve a sibling for him. I don't want him to be an only child. Just because I have a child, doesn't mean losing a pregnancy hurts any less. I am lucky to have a child to hold, and some people don't have that, but you have no idea what I am feeling right now.
"The next one probably won't be a miscarriage/Don't worry there is nothing wrong with you". Well, statistically I miscarry more often than not. Actually, there might just be something wrong with me. If you can guarantee me that statement, then I have time to listen to you. "There never was a baby". Actually, yes, I conceived. Life was formed, and then lost. I am grieving for the lost dream and the loss of hope. The worst right now is "there's still a chance everything will be ok in this pregnancy". Ummm, no I don't think so. My dates are correct, my early pregnancy tests confirm my dates, I know how a blighted ovum feels compared to a pregnancy (have had practice now), my HCG is waaaay too low and the scan shows an empty sac measuring less than 5 weeks. JUST because my HCG is still rising doesn't mean that it might still be ok. Have some respect for insticts, eh? Sorry, just feeling bit bitter at the moment.... |
Posted By: kiwi2
Date Posted: 30 March 2010 at 10:19am
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I haven't had a miscarriage but have had results telling us we miscarried only to have a heartbeat a week later on a scan so for a week I felt what it was like. Just a small bit of what many of you have been through.
Our comment was from the doctor. I went in with bleeding and he was busy so he stood outside my cubicle with just a curtain saying "Well we are busy right now if she is bleeding there is nothing we can do anyway". He then went on to tell me I probably had miscarried and sent me for a scan which confirmed (I still have the paper) that the fetus had stopped growing at 4 weeks and there was no heartbeat. If it wasn't for a midwife I hadn't even seen yet coming round to my house that night at 9pm after working 36 hours straight. She gave me a cuddle and let me cry and ordered bloods for me which the doctor didn't bother doing. I would have continued beleiving that my now 9 year old was gone. I think medical professionals see it day in and day out and sometimes forget the empathy side of things. When it is your job you become mechanical about things which I understand. But his words will always be in my memory. Even with a good outcome I look back with bitterness. But at the same time fondness for that midwife that came and helped me. |
Posted By: Princess_Bubs
Date Posted: 30 March 2010 at 11:10am
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I couldn't agree more! The dumb comments just add to the heartbreak.
I have lost alot of faith in the medical profession over the past few weeks - Surely they should show more empathy even if they do deal with this sad stuff all the time. I've met some amazing people too though (Like my midwive - Denise Johnson, I cant say enough about how divine she is!) But I feel really let down by my GP and the first radiographer. I've listened to so many stupid comments. I've been with my partner for 4.5 years and have a happy and stable relationship! When I got pregnant I got "oooohhhh but you're not married - How awful" from numerous people . Is it 1950 ? Then I go through all the pain of a miscarriage and I've had "Oh well, now you've got time to get married before you try again" "If you were married this wouldn't have happened" and "Ah well It wasn't totally planned so it's not a big deal" " It was only a group of cells" Um no - These people are just so insensitive! From the moment I saw those 2 lines I loved my baby, I had so many hopes and dreams for him or her. For the past 8 years I've talked about (and to be honest, obsessed about) how much I can't wait to have a baby. I nannied for 4 years , and at 27 years old I still babysit!!! Because I love children so much. These "Don't have a clue's" need to learn some tact 
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Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 30 March 2010 at 2:56pm
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I can't believe anyone would suggest if you were married it wouldn't have happened!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And "group of cells" is such a ridiculous thing to say. Isn't that all any of us are?! |
Posted By: Princess_Bubs
Date Posted: 30 March 2010 at 4:03pm
| Thanks Jo - You totally get me!! |
Posted By: Shadowdance
Date Posted: 09 April 2010 at 4:36pm
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I remember when I had miscarriage after miscarriage and the pain I felt with all the comments that were said. My sister in law had a new baby at the time of our first loss and I was told to 'get over it, you're hurting *****'s feelings' - that to me broke my heart all over again because it just showed how insignificant I was to others.....as was our baby we'd just lost.
However some of the comments.....'maybe it was for the best', 'miscarriages are common' etc etc are peoples way of trying to help believe it or not. After our first m/c I lost the plot but then decided to do something about it, so I created my own website for those that had been through a loss...because I'm sorry but if you haven't had a m/c then you DON'T understand, no matter how much you might try and sympathise. As a result I found myself on the other side....people needed to hear 'something' from me and sometimes I just didn't have a clue on what to say and I felt terrible for it because I wanted so much to make them feel better....but that damn magic wand just didn't want to work. So sometimes, yes it is a case of ignorance...but sometimes it is just a case of people want so much to help......but can't so say silly stuff. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: EcoMummy
Date Posted: 02 May 2010 at 10:16am
| After my second MC a good friend at work (who had a sick screaming baby so I can forgive her non-thinking comment) said "well at least you don't have to deal with the nappies and sleepless nights" - I almost stole her baby right then! - guess what - would rather have sleepless nights from a ill baby than from lying awake wondering why it didn't work. |