he doesnt think it will ever happen
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Coping with infertility
Forum Description: Have you been trying to conceive unsuccessfully? Dealing with primary or secondary infertility? Get support, advice, and help coping here.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=8650
Printed Date: 27 April 2025 at 9:50pm
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Topic: he doesnt think it will ever happen
Posted By: noodle
Subject: he doesnt think it will ever happen
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 10:14am
After a very long and emotional talk last night DH told me that he doesn't think we will ever be able to have babies  I don't know what to think now coz i feel like it is me that is the problem and there is nothing i can do about it. He told me that there is no way he 'blames' me because its not my fault and i cant help it, he says he thinks he is thinking like that to guard his feelings incase it we never can. it just upsets me so much(and it probably doesn't help that i am over emotional at the moment anyway thanks to the clomid  ) that we having a real hard time making our dream come true.
i said to him that if worst came to worst that we married each other to be together and not just to have children but i have never seen myself in the future with out them, but obviously he does. 
He also said that it really upsets him when people ask him all the time when are you having kids? he has just started telling them that he isn't. All i want to do is cry ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: Bumble
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 10:25am
 To you and DH......------------- formerly known as "Bee" Ethan ~ March 2003 Big 6 year old school boy! Micah ~ Aug 2008 ~ Smiley pants who loves telephones! |
Posted By: Lissy
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 10:28am
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Oh love that is sad. I wish you all the best. I was told I was not able to have a child, and I did. Keep your chin up, think positive and keep trying. ------------- Harlan Drew DOB: 06.12.06 & Stepmum to Ethan & Christian, DOB: 25.02.99 |
Posted By: Bizzy
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 10:30am
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aaahhhh noodle. dont be too hard on him, i remember writing something very similar to feeling that in my diary before we had kids. i felt i had given up - but your right it is a form of protection. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 10:42am
thanks guys  I also feel really bad because he has felt like this for ages and i had no idea and he has had to go through it on his own. ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: jack_&_charli
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 11:57am
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oh noodle!! i hate that it is such a hard road for some women to conceive. it's just not fair! i'm glad your DH has confided in you how he's feeling
i hope your TTC journey is over very soon and the clomid works. my sil has been TTC#2 for 3yrs and was told in march that they will never be able to again (#1 was a miracle)....she's just found out she's expecting! ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 5:30pm
Thanks Vanessa im glad he has told me too, and thanks for telling me about your SIL I love hearing stories like that they give me hope and make me remember miracles do happen! I hope your SIL has a happy and healthy pregnancy  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: kiwigal
Date Posted: 30 June 2007 at 8:45pm
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Lana
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Posted By: kirtsyg
Date Posted: 01 July 2007 at 12:47pm
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Oh Honey!! Huge hugs to you!!
I know what he means about the asking when having children. I started about a year after we got married telling people that we weren't having kids as we enjoyed our freedom and money too much!! - BUT deep inside every time someone else asked I just cried and cried - my MIL used to be the worst offender! I started crying for you as I read your post. I never imagined our future without kids either, but sometimes life has different plans.
I guess we can say that at least he has been honest with you. Take a bit of time each to think then sit down and make time for another discussion to decide together what to do... carry on till x point,try for x more cycles, look into adoption... (we have an agreement that we will do EVERYTHING we can, but are not prepared to try IVF - I am not strong enough emotionally to do it). Stay open and honest with each other!! And remember that BOTH of you are allowed to have differing opinions, and allowed to grieve at different rates. Love to you both xxx (And remember you have all of us here to talk to too at any time!!!) |
Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 01 July 2007 at 6:05pm
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oh thanks heaps guys you are all so lovely! and very supportive.
I do feel alot better knowing that it is all out in the open now and we can talk about it honestly now. And you are right kirsty we did need to and have sat down and decided on our plan of attack and at the same time we said we have to remember to have other things going on in our lives so TTC and infertility isn't all consuming 
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Posted By: kirtsyg
Date Posted: 01 July 2007 at 8:20pm
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So glad you are sounding (and hopefully feeling!!) a bit more positive about it. Talking does wonders eh?
Hugs again chick! |
Posted By: topcat
Date Posted: 02 July 2007 at 9:56am
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Hey had similar chats with my Dh, although he blames himself and is gutted when as each month rolls around AF is back ...
But have to draw strength from the fact that you are together and much in love and take time out from all the infert stuff to have some fun... Go do something silly or romantic or both... We go for long walks with our mutties and talk about the things we will do if we cant have kids, or book a private spa pool at somewhere like Te Aroha mineral pools and just blob out together |
Posted By: KiwiL
Date Posted: 02 July 2007 at 11:46am
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Oh Lana, big hugs. I hope the two of you are feeling ok at the moment. It's really hard hearing how this affects your other half eh? Sometimes I forget that they are going through just as much angst and hurt, and trying to be strong for us.
But it really helps to talk. Encourage your DP not to give up though... you need to keep hoping. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. xoxoxo |
Posted By: catie
Date Posted: 02 July 2007 at 1:17pm
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Hi Noodle
That's so hard. I know just how you feel; my DH has said a few times that he things we should stop trying, but then he changes his mind again. But I've decided that if it doesn't happen by the end of the year, then I'll give up; it's just too hard emotionally and we'll have run out of options anyway. We're going to try IUI in a couple of months - just having 2 more months of intense preparation to maximise the chances - then have 4 goes at IUI ... then that's it, time to come to terms with it. our ages are also against us (I'll be 42 in Aug, DH is 45) and I feel there just comes a time (for me) to admit it ain't gonna happen. Of course everyone's situation is different, and I have to take responsibility cos I knew DH had had a vasectomy when we got together 8 years ago, but I thought he'd just have a reversal and everything would be fine, (boy was I wrong!)mthen we had some family crises which also got in the way of ttc, etc... But f*** it's hard!!!
I respect all of you that talk about not giving up hope - and of course I really hope it does work out for all of you. but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that it probably won't work out for us, and maybe that isn't the end of the world; I just have to hang on to the positive things th emost important of whcih is DH. Noodle, sorry this has turned into a ramble about me! I really just want to say that I feel for both you and DH. |
Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 02 July 2007 at 5:05pm
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you guys are all sooooo lovely!!! Thanks heaps for all your support.
It is great (well not great really if you know what i mean  ) that there are people out there that have similar sort of things going on and that we can all share and support one another.
and topcat you are right about doing stuff for just us like going on dates and stuff we actually went out for dinner on sat night we hadn't done that for ages (normally just get it and eat at home) and it was really lovely, so i'm going to make sure we have lots more date nights like that to enjoy each others company
Laurie after our talk i explained to him that we have got lots of options as we are just only really at the start of treatment and he now realises that and i think is starting to think again that it may not be impossible
And catie how hard it must be for you! I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling! But i really hope that the IUI works for you i'll keep my fingers crossed for you and please let us know how you are getting on, and even if you just need to chat
Man sorry what a huge ramble!!!  ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: BaAsKa
Date Posted: 02 July 2007 at 6:14pm
aaawww im sorry you are both having a hard time my DH had a hard time dealing with it all when we were TTC#2 for 15 months and would often say to me just before we were about to doze off that he really wanted another bubs which made me feel terrible cos i knew that it was the problem .
My SIL was told that she would never have any kids cos she had a 7kg! tumour (benign SP?) removed when she was 18 and they had to remove one overy and one tube and the other 2 of each were extremely damaged!! plus her partner had a very low sperm count and only has one ball (sorry TMI!) BUT...1 year later she concieved her daughter by accident!! and has had 2 more whoopsys! (a boy and a girl - 3 in 3 years!) since then so ended up having to get her tubes tied! so i think there is hope even when your told that theres not much. Hang in there hun
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 04 July 2007 at 7:37pm
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Thanks guys! it all means alot! you lot are fab!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: pikelets
Date Posted: 04 July 2007 at 8:04pm
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Hey Noodle - i just wanted to give you a .
It does suck doesnt it. I think its so hard when you see your partner sad as its usually us females that are more emotional about these things. Chin up though. You both cant give up. I know its been awhile but there is still hope for you. I went to a Infertility Seminar at FA and I found it quite helpful as they explained the treatments and lots of statistics. I knew a bit before I went but my DH didnt and he found it really helpful - just to understand treatments and processes etc. FA run these seminars for free. You just need to call them and register for the next one. I know its hard as we tried for 22 mths before it just happened and I still pinch myself thinking its not true. It can be so disheartening but there is a good chance it will happen one day one way or another. Lots of baby dust to you
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 04 July 2007 at 8:53pm
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Thanks Star
I think that is what i found the hardest....when i realised DH was feeling as bad as he was about it all and that i really had no idea at all. I'm far from giving up tho i know deep down that it is going to happen one day, and it will be one mighty fine day when it does and Dh is alot more positive about things now.
thanks for the info about the seminar i'll look into it, it would be quite intresting and helpful. Thanks for the baby dust and i wish you all the best with your miracle baby! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: MyBelly
Date Posted: 05 July 2007 at 12:52pm
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hey noodle,
my sister has problems with her ovaries, went through 4 MC's and years of trying and finally IVF which failed twice, and she was ready to give up too, and now her baby girl is due any day now! so it can happen, never give your dreams up and i hope it all happens for you honey
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 07 July 2007 at 5:40pm
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thanks mybelly ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 07 July 2007 at 6:39pm
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It's kind of easy to forget how all this affects out DHs/DPs/DFs. I know mine was struggling with the whole IF thing very quietly, and then just before our last specialist appointment pretty much spontaneously combusted one night when we were at the park, and that's when I realised how stressed he's been Then, just after the appointment he got really sick with the flu and took a few days off work - and he hasn't had the flu in all the time I've known him, so I think it's a stress thing as well.
It's so hard, this IF ride, but as you go you find ways to cope, like the other girls have said, and you find ways to make the most of what you have, and appreciate each other as well. It doesn't mean that things become easy, you just find your groove a bit, and it helps you get from one step to the next. I also remember saying to DH exactly what your DH said to you too, and I remember how upset he was when I said it. I think the thing is that as time goes by, and you keep doing battle, it gets harder to see the end of it. Keep your chin up though chicky babe - you've got a long way to go before your options are out. You're on the very first step with IF treatment and there are lots of other things to try if this one doesn't work out, and each one increases your chances that much more. Sometimes I feel terrified that we are starting out at the end (ICSI IVF), but when you think how good the chance are, there really is no need to be scared at this point
Have a fab weekend!! ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 08 July 2007 at 9:33am
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thats right ginger we are only at the beginning of 'help' and we have got lots of options so we have to be positive about that, and thats what i told DH
And yes you are starting at the other end but you are right (again ) that the chances are good for you and i have a gut feeling that it is going to work for you. I have everything crossed for you that your wait isn't too long and that you get your dream at the end!!! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: ginger
Date Posted: 08 July 2007 at 12:50pm
Oooo ... I like your gut! It's god a good attitude!!   ------------- Cuinn Lachlan 23.1.09 - 22:00 Antonia Helene 4.8.11 - 09:41 |
Posted By: pesky
Date Posted: 08 July 2007 at 1:09pm
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Hey Noodle
I think that some of the things we say are coping mechanisms, and not really what we truly hope and believe. My DH was similar. It was only when we got pregnant that he fully spoke about how inadequate he had been feeling. It was such a relief for him. I think because his closest mates had all "got pregnant" recently, and because one doctor had told him he had a low sperm count after one test. When we went to a decent specialist he explained that you have to have multiple tests to get an idea of sperm count etc.. but I think that one low sperm count result REALLY hit him hard (understandably). To be honest, while we were trying I was confident that I was able to conceive, and I thought that DH's sperm count was a factor. BUT at around the 1 year mark, I realised that it was ME that needed the time to come to terms with having a baby (even though I wanted one desparately), and I needed to make some space in my life for raising a baby with all the positive values I had gained from my parents. (I obviously needed longer than 9 months to come to terms with it!!) So I decided I needed to work less, take more time for myself and get fit. What I'm trying to say in my rambling, is that I think when the time is right you will get pregnant. Keep positive and give DH lots of hugs! Good vibes and baby dust to you and everyone else trying xx ------------- http://www.bump-and-beyond.com/"> 
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Posted By: pesky
Date Posted: 08 July 2007 at 1:10pm
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Hey Noodle
I think that some of the things we say are coping mechanisms, and not really what we truly hope and believe. My DH was similar. It was only when we got pregnant that he fully spoke about how inadequate he had been feeling. It was such a relief for him. I think because his closest mates had all "got pregnant" recently, and because one doctor had told him he had a low sperm count after one test. When we went to a decent specialist he explained that you have to have multiple tests to get an idea of sperm count etc.. but I think that one low sperm count result REALLY hit him hard (understandably). To be honest, while we were trying I was confident that I was able to conceive, and I thought that DH's sperm count was a factor. BUT at around the 1 year mark, I realised that it was ME that needed the time to come to terms with having a baby (even though I wanted one desparately), and I needed to make some space in my life for raising a baby with all the positive values I had gained from my parents. So I decided I needed to work less and get fit. What I'm trying to say in my rambling, is that I think when the time is right you will get pregnant. Keep positive and give DH lots of hugs! Good vibes and baby dust to you and everyone else trying xx ------------- http://www.bump-and-beyond.com/">
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Posted By: noodle
Date Posted: 08 July 2007 at 4:14pm
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Thanks pesky! And congrats on your pregnancy ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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