He wants me to WHAT?? Yes he said the "A"
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Topic: He wants me to WHAT?? Yes he said the "A"
Posted By: SnuggleBear
Subject: He wants me to WHAT?? Yes he said the "A"
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 9:38pm
....word today 
The following is a rant and a vent!! Dh and I have been married for nearly 4 years and have a sweet lil DS and just recently we have found out that we are expecting again...we were going to ttc in 6 months or so but God had other plans i guess I am over the moon, yes it was unplanned but i love kids and i truly beleive that they are a miracle so eventhough it doesnt quite fit our "plans" i am super excited to welcome this lil bubs into our lives BUT DH is NNOOOOTTT happy and i thought this would go away but today when we were talking about it he at first said we cant say we're having a baby because its early and "anything" could happen..i.e.you could miscarry at any moment (and he has been asking me if my period has arrived for the past few days) and then he said or we could just get an abortion!! WTF?! just because we are pregnant 6 months before we planned?? I am so confused, so upset and so freakin angry i am literally shaking!!! i dont know what to do....how can i be married to someone like this? its just so disgusting in my mind to even wish away a life like that..i mean im prochoice and all but we are in a committed relationship, we are financially stable etc etc how can he even say that to me? how can he even think that? Even if he changes his mind when he sees the heartbeat/holds the baby etc etc how can i forgive the way he has reacted? and so what does this mean, that he wont help me with baby, he wont be there at the birth, he wont bond with the baby? what fault is this of the baby? will he/she grow thinking that their daddy didnt want them? sorry for long post...im just incoherent right now! ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Replies:
Posted By: Mucky_Tiger
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 9:44pm
dont want ro read and run.
if it were my DP saying that i would in all honestly be leaving him.
you either want another or you dont  how is now different to 6months away its still a 2nd child.
Sorry you are going through this |
Posted By: myfullhouse
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 9:57pm
Same here, and I am so sorry for what is happening and how you are feeling. In saying that, as someone on the outside all I can suggest is that maybe it is the shock/surprise of the situation that has caused this kind of reaction from your DH. Maybe once he has time to process it all he will be just as happy as you. I really hope things work out for you ------------- Lindsey 
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Mucky_Tiger wrote:Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:06pm
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TBH....I think you need to stop thinking the worst. You've only just found out, leave it til next week, you know you aren't going to abort so it doesn't matter. Next week see how he's feeling after he's processed all this information.
You are both raw, he's freaking out, talk next week, if it's the same, insist on seeing a relationship counsellor. Then decide on what's going to happen. I can't believe you guys coming straight out " if that was my DH I'd be leaving" Far out...no wonder so many marriages fail...people jump ship when the going gets tough...Deal with it like adults.... Yes it would hurt & utterly tear your heart to shreds...but it's early days, grow up, deal with it like adults & deal with the outcome like adults. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: Jaune
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:22pm
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Oh SB! That's horrible...and I shared your post with DP and he thought it was horrible too.
But as AandCsmum says give it time. It is still very early days and you're both adjusting to the news. Try not to think too far ahead, especially at the moment when your hormones are all over the place. I'm sure he'll come around and he probably wishes that had never come out of his mouth. Thinking of you ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:25pm
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Thanks for the support ladies I know he is shocked and surprised but tbh he is NOT handling it like an adult at all .. More like a petulant child "but we didn't plan on trying till dec".... So? So what? If you were that bloody against it you shoulda put a hat on!!!
Im all for handling it like an adult aandcsmum but I don't think he is and wishing your wife would miscarry is not an appropriate response no matter how mad you are... And why is he mad at me? Or this baby? Go freakin punch a wall or something... No Im not leaving him and no I'm not aborting im waiting ... Waiting for this to pass and it will I'm just upset for right now ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:28pm
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Thanks Jaune I sure hope so too... ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: HoneybunsMa
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:29pm
I agree with AandCsmum. I wouldn't be just leaving DP as I still care deeply for him, I will be honest and say I would probably make his life hell and be a bitch and sulk. The next step I would be taking is going straight to his friend and telling him he NEEDS to talk to his friend and tell him he's a dick we're all really good friends so speak to eachother like that all the time 
Give it a week or so, you've still got time to make decisions lots of time, as if you already know your not going to have a termination then it doesn't matter, so you have time to be talking it through and making him understand how you feel. He's possibly just freaking out, guys do that and as for the whats the difference its a 2nd child. Perhaps he was ready in his mind for 6mths time and had adjusted to that, now he has to adjust to now and the little bundle being here in 9mths or less. It is a difference it really is. ------------- http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"> 
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Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:31pm
My suspicion is that he is just mad in general, but it is easiest for him to direct this toward you and the baby. He's probably also mad at himself that he wasn't more careful.
TBH, I know a few women who have got PG unexpectedly and they have wished (at one level) that they would miscarry; they all came round and were delighted with their baby, but it was just a reaction to the shock and all the panicky thoughts racing through their minds. All of that said, I can totally understand why you are feeling devastated and hurt. Just like he's allowed to feel upset and angry, you are too! I hope that with time, he'll be able to work through it and you guys will be able to look forward to the baby's arrival, both being excited about it. ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:37pm
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Fire_engine you re right I think he is mad at himself for not being more careful and he is allowed to be upset and angry too so I'm thinking we need space and lots of it! He bought it up today but for the immediate future I think I'll just avoid conversations abt bubs for now... I think that's best
Honeybunsma I appreciate your reply because it makes remember that dh is a planner and plans everything that happens in his life and gets very antsy when things don't go according to plan... Oh how I wish he had a friend that would tell him he is being a git! In some ways it will be good once we tell his family so maybe their excitement for the new addition will make dh reassess his perspective ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 22 June 2011 at 10:43pm
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Sorry I missed the bit where he was hoping you'd miscarry, I highly doubt he'll be thinking of it from that point of view though, he'll be thinking from the point of view if you've got your period it's finished, not that you'll be losing a baby. Being a man he won't understand the enormity of what a miscarriage is.
And agree with Fire engine, he'll be directing all his anger at you (not the baby) cause he wasn't more careful & if he's a planny type of guy he'll need adjusting that his carefully laid out plan has gone awry. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com">
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: _SMS_
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 7:23am
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It is sad he said that. But men do reacted differently. He is obviously in shock & scared.
Give it a few more weeks for him to come around. I think you need to remember although you are very happy about it, bringing another child into the world is huge. It will take some time to let that sink in perhaps -------------  
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 8:55am
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I'll say it he's being an idiot. He needs to pull his head in and apologise to you, as you said you are both married to each other and just cause you are pregnant 6 months earlier than planned doesn't make it the end of the world.
Glad you've got OB as somewhere to vent - my only suggestion is to talk to him when he gets home and explain how his comments are incredibly hurtful I'm sure he'll come round. Not a fun way to start your pregnancy. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 9:13am
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men,can be thick,and don't think about things before they say them,like Kel says,I would give him some time and once the shock wears off he will come round.
When I was pregnant with my daughter,her dad,my uncle,my relatives etc (basically everyone except my friends and very supportive parents,thank god for them) told me I had to have an abortion,her dad was very very adamant on it. We weren't together but will forever be in each others lives...I forgave him for it,I knew it was shock and fear and thinking the worst that was making him say that. And you wont need to punish him,or feel angry towards him,because he will do that to himself when he sees your baby for the first time,and recalls what he had said. So in the meantime,give him time,and space to think,he will most likely come around very soon ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 10:01am
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Thanks ladies really thank you I don know what I do without all the support I receive on OB!
Yip he is shocked and scared alright and if we re gonna make this work I do need to forgive the awful words but I need time out to be happy too and thank god for DS , seeing him makes me feel so happy and confident that I can do this again;) Nope not the best to start a pregnancy but life is a box of chocolates eh you never know which one you might get.. At the moment ive got one of those awful orange scented ones you know the ones that smell and taste like bathroom freshener? Yuck ;).... Haha like my attempt at humor? Oh dear;) ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: sweetknights
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 10:14am
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Awww hugs to you hon it must be very hurtful to hear him say something like that. But I think he will soon be regretting it and as you say he likes to plan and 6 months out is quite a big deal to a planner. Once the news sinks in I am sure he will be very happy and more than likely feel like a prize Idiot for saying what he did i wouldn't be surprised if he regretted it as soon as it came out of his mouth ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: MrsMJD
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 12:45pm
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I agree it was a stupid and unthinking thing to say. Just another perspective. Is he feeling as financially secure as you feel you are? Could there be something else going on which has contributed to his reaction? I ask this because finances seem to be a huge deal to most men.
My DH had a massive freak out (ok he didn't say THAT but for him it was a big deal) just after we got our BFP. He was working for the North Shore Council and had been told that he a job in the new "super council" then they turned around and said that things had changed and he had to apply for a job. Suddenly he went from job security to possibly being made redundant in a few weeks with a newly pregnant wife. I wasn't worried cause I knew they would hire him (and they did) but it had him stressed to the max. To make matters worse he had applied for a job elsewhere that he didn't expect to get and got offered it BUT it had a 3 month trial period clause. So he then had to decide if he went for the secure but mind numbing, soul destroyingly boring job at the council or a entry level position doing what he is passionate about that wasn't secure at all. Not easy for a man who values financial security very highly. It all worked out great for us (he took the entry level job and sailed through the trail period BTW) but it was a really tough time for a while there. I sure hope it works out just as well for you and your family. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: babydoll09
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 1:53pm
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I wouldn't go as far as leaving him for saying the word!
Men do react differently to woman. The pressure of being able to provide and not let mum and baby down would be flooding into his head. As it was a surprise i would let him settle down and he would soon come to the conclusion that you have another lil one of him inside your tummy. If he was saying it strongly everyday then he may really have a issue and i would tell him to 'shut the f**k up'. He obviously wanted another baby so when he grasps the thought that its ganna happen now i'm sure he'll be happy and excited. Book a scan, that'll do it! Best thing for you it to brush it off like nothing, don't let it get you down. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 2:08pm
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Oh SB...
Hugest of hugs hun. If you need to talk Im here 
If your definately not going to abort then just give him sometime, see if he has a guy friend he can talk to, he might need someone else to talk about it with to process the idea. I wouldnt leave him,definately not at this point and not just for saying that (As horrible as it is), we all know we say things we dont mean when we are shocked and upset. I agree with AandCsmum in that he wont understand how huge a MC is, its not like it would just rewind and make you not pregnant, it will be losing a life. xx will be thinknig of you ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel 
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Posted By: sarasal
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 2:59pm
| I can totally understand why you are upset - I can't stand thinking about the A-word either. But I really wouldn't hold it against him just for mentioning it - as other people have said, men bond with their babies in a different way to women. They don't know what it's like having a life growing inside them so they can be a bit more abstract about it. DP is not entirely thrilled with my current pg either, even though it was planned ... but I'm pretty sure he will come round once he sees his new son or daughter for the first time. |
Posted By: Birdie
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 3:42pm
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Hugs SB He probably did not mean it the way it came out, you know how bad men can be at expressing their feelings! He is probably worried about all the practical things such as finances and will you be able to go back to work and all the kind of stuff we ladies don't always think about but men tend to overthink IYKWIM. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: Cinderella
Date Posted: 23 June 2011 at 4:53pm
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My first husband was not happy when I got pregnant with number 2 even though we had been trying for a while.
The whole way through I felt like I was on my own. Turns out he was paranoid about money and was thinking 1 was such a hugh change to our lives 2 would be even worse. While I was in labour he was so sweet and caring and from the moment he cut the cord he his been the greatest father I could have ever hoped for. Although we ended up divorcing for other reasons he still loves his son alot. He admitted being scared and we are still good friends. Give him time, talk to him and explain how the A word makes you feel. get him to open up if you can. It will make your relationship so much stronger. Men are funny creatures and quite often they worry that being pregnant will hurt us so they want to protect us. Maybe he is simply worried about your health. |
Posted By: mummyofprinces
Date Posted: 24 June 2011 at 11:02pm
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Aww hugs hunny! I didnt realise he was freaking out this much!!!!!
I know you are angry and hurt but men are just so different from women when it comes to these things. He may not have even meant it, just a thought that popped into his head at the time.... And if he did mean it, he is not thinking about this pregnancy with and end result of a child. They dont see this as a baby in arms like we do, the minute we see that second line we are immediately attached. They are not, they dont have the hormones, the life inside them. At this stage, this is something not planned, and in his mind unwanted. His child will not be. He will come around, it may not be in a day or so, a week even. But he will, he wants more children and once this child arrives (if not before) he will be smitten. Dont hold these words against him, we can only hold ourselves up to our own moral standards and he is being an honest man. Yo may find he is already regretting them. -------------   
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Posted By: CJsays
Date Posted: 25 June 2011 at 9:40pm
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ohhh that's rough, my grandad did the same thing to my grandma when they found out she was unexpected pregnant 10 years after having their 3 kids. she ignored him and went on to have the baby (My auntie) and she ended up being the greatets blessing ever to them both. especially when grandad died my auntie took grandma on all her family holidays and does so much with her. so expect this "unexpected" baby to be a huge blessing and stick to your guns! going the other way will onlt cause grief and wonderings as to what was lost for the rest of your lives
xxx ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 25 June 2011 at 10:16pm
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Hear hear cjsays I completely agree;) unexpected blessings are wonderful and don't you worry I'm sticking to my gun;)
Thanks for the wise words Mel ... How do you always know the right things to say... ;) see you Monday!! ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: troutpout
Date Posted: 26 June 2011 at 11:07am
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Hugs SB, like everyone else has said, yes what he said to you was unthinkable, and he is being a complete TOOL!! But, men generally are complete tools a lot of the time. Unfortunately it is a built in mechanism that we ladies seem to be lacking....
I would give it another week, then sit down and talk about it again. Yes, it's sooner than you planned, but at the end of the day you were planning another one anyway so it doesn't make that much difference! If all else fails, a good bitch slap can work wonders..... ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">
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Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 26 June 2011 at 11:45am
Lol that made me giggle! And I have thought about doing just that;) ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: mummytobesep08
Date Posted: 26 June 2011 at 2:27pm
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give it time!
he more than likely doesn't *really* mean it, and needs time to get used to it. Everyone has doubts at some point in each pregnancy- it sounds like this is his shock now and needs time to get used to it. We can say hurtful things sometimes, to each other, and don't always mean it. Hang in there ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
Angel babes '07 & '10- <3 <3 |
Posted By: rorylex
Date Posted: 26 June 2011 at 6:59pm
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what someone said to me when i 1st found out i was preg with ds1 is, If i terminated becoz dp wanted me to when I didnt want to at all, that I would only resent him for the rest of my life and our relationship would most likely end becoz of the resentment alone. knowing this I told dp that I wasnt going to "A" wether he stayed or not was up to him. 7.5yrs later we are happily married with 4 kids and eagerly trying for another one. ------------- Mummy to 4 boys Samuel - 18.6.05 Rory - 15.7.06 Mason - 13.06.08 Emmett - 24.01.10 Baby #5 - cooking |
Posted By: SnuggleBear
Date Posted: 26 June 2011 at 8:40pm
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I think he is def coming around.... Not only has he apologized but he was keen to tell his parents today and he has started showing concern over me carrying heavy things, drinking caffeine etc etc.... ------------- Ds1 - 20 months old Ds2 - 4 months old |
Posted By: Cinderella
Date Posted: 27 June 2011 at 8:40am
I am really happy to hear that Snugglebear. I was really concerned and was wondering how you were getting on. My Dh is being funny at the moment but it is just because he doesn't want to get his hopes up if something goes wrong. If your other half is trying to look after you then I would say you guys will be okay. Heres hoping for a happy and uneventful pregnancy for you guys. |