Advice on dealing with insensitive people
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Category: Support
Forum Name: Coping with infertility
Forum Description: Have you been trying to conceive unsuccessfully? Dealing with primary or secondary infertility? Get support, advice, and help coping here.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=39277
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Topic: Advice on dealing with insensitive people
Posted By: Parki
Subject: Advice on dealing with insensitive people
Date Posted: 22 May 2011 at 8:31pm
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Hi ladies,
I was wondering if any of you lovely ladies have any advice on how to deal with people during this emotional journey. I am finding it increasingly difficult to be around some people when they are so incredibly insensitive about what my DH & I are going through... There is one 'friend' in particular that I am not sure how to deal with. Novel story below; Background; We have been close friends for about 15 years and she has one 5 year old daughter who I adore and love being around. Over the years we have sort of drifted in and out of friendship but try to catch up every now & then. 1.She knows our infetility situation (ICSI only chance of baby) and I have kept her in the loop of where we are at etc as our first cycle was the same time as her sister doing IVF. Last year I found out our first attempt didn't work the day before my birthday (And told her) and then at my birthday breakfast she announced she was pregnant in front of everyone. I managed to smile & congratulate her and burst onto tears when I got to the car. (She miscarried this pregnancy and I sent her flowers and called to check she was ok etc) 2. Whenever I hang out with her & all my other friends 9who all have kids) they always talk about babies and kids and then if I offer any type of opinion I get the "Yeah, but it's different when you are a Mum, it's easy to say these things but you'll understand one day" SO RUDE! 3. She invited DH and I over for dinner last week and as soon as I walk in the door she announces she is pregnant again (Two weeks before our second IVF attempt) and proceeds to talk about the pregnancy the entire night. Again, held it together until I got to the car. I thought maybe I was just being oversensitive so hopped into bed and I get a text saying something along the lines of "Was so funny seeing the shock on your face when we told you" 4. She sent me a fwded email the other day in the subject line "To all the Mums & Dads out there' WTF is she serious? I am really struggling with this, am I being oversensitive or is she being a total b*tch? There are other things but these are the main things she has done lately. Biggest novel ever but due to being on the younger side, I have nobody to talk to about this stuff! I am really struggling 
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Replies:
Posted By: mountaingirl
Date Posted: 22 May 2011 at 9:19pm
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Parki - you are not being oversensitive at all - your 'friend' sounds like a selfish cow. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't understand what you were going through (how could she?) but she sounds like she doesn't even want to try to understand - and more than that, goes to extra lengths to make you feel worse!
She may not be doing it on purpose - as it is something I don't think you can understand entirely unless you have struggled with infertility - but she could certainly try harder to be more sensitive and supportive. Either she is very dense or just malicious and revels in other people's misery to make herself feel better. To be honest if it was me I would remove myself from the situation and try not to be around her unless it is absolutely necessary. I'm bad at confrontation though so I'd rather avoid things altogether. Hugs hun, it's a tough journey and you will always meet people who do or say the wrong thing - most of them won't do it intentionally. |
Posted By: Kazper
Date Posted: 22 May 2011 at 9:31pm
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Wow you are not be oversensitive at all. That is harsh. Some people really don't get it and have no capability to even try and put themselves in the same shoes.
I agree with mountaingirl, try to remove yourself from being around her. You don't need that stress and upset. If it helps your not alone. A lot of us went and are going through the same stuff. I remember after our second failed round (had a frostie left) we got engaged and decided to throw a big party. In part to have something to celebrate ourselves for a change since we couldn't celebrate pregnancy and on the night my family arrived from up north my aunty friend blurted out she was pregnant and that was all my family talked about all night. DH and I sat there quiet at our own party while everyone discussed the pregnancy. ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/545141" rel="nofollow">  |
Posted By: ScaredyCat
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 8:27am
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OMG, I don't think you are overracting at all, like the others said I would distance myself from her as much as possible and quickly!
I hate to say it but how much of a friend is she anyway if she cannot see how much her comments hurt and upset you, especially if she knows of your struggle with infertility, to me that says she is not a true friend at all. Big  's hun, its a really tough road you are travelling right now and its a time we need our true friends the most.------------- TTC # 1 - 7.5 years 2 x IVF - 4 x Trf 3 x BFP's 3 x M/c  Feb 09June 10Sept 11
2 Blasties on Ice 
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Posted By: balcy1
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 1:14pm
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I agree...
I had a friend who knew DH and I had been trying at that stage for 18 months to get pregnant. Then when seeing her and she told me she was pregnant said "Oh yea, thought I had already told you. Decided to have a baby and wham pregnant after first month of trying. No big deal, its old news now" From that day on, I removed myself from making contact with her. She tried to keep in touch with me, but she was so insensitive I couldnt be bothered with her. Now, I never see her and never even been to visit her or her child since. Bitch that I am... LOL ------------- http://lilyslim.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: GuestGuest
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 3:04pm
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She sounds like a complete BIARCH!!!! I'm sorry you have had to go through that Parki! Surely even the most self-centred person would understand that those types of comments are completely insensitive.
I would tell her how you feel or if that's too hard, send her an email and ask for an explanation. If she can't be kind and understanding in her response then show her the door. |
Posted By: tischler
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 7:47pm
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Parki - I totally agree with what everyone else has said. You don't want to have people like that around you. Infertility is such a tough journey and right now you need support and friendship.
I find that even hearing friends/family are pregnant is hard enough (and they are supportive to me), that's not even close to what that 'friend' of yours is doing to you. Remove contact, surround yourself with caring people, and look after yourself. ------------- 5 IVF/ICSI Cycles - 10 embryo's, 8 transfers, all BFN's. Our journey to parenthood is over, and we join the unfortunate many for whom IVF does not work. |
Posted By: lsttcdiver
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 7:48pm
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Get rid!! Self preservation is so so important.
Your 'friend' sounds like a cow the things she has said to you are not accidental slips they are outright mean and nasty comments said to hurt you. You do not need people like this regardless of what you're going through! |
Posted By: LisaLooo
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 7:51pm
Kick her to the kerb!!! Not worth knowing and seems she gets great delight out of your situation 
Surround yourself with loving, caring people xx ------------- IVF ED 2000 BFN IVF ED Oct 2010 BFN FET March BFN FET April BFP then m/c
ED cycle Feb BFP m/c 8 weeks |
Posted By: _Lou_
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 8:10pm
That really sucks Parki! I don't get why someone would even think about saying those sorts of things when they are fully aware of what you are going through!
IMO there is enough negativity going on sometimes without having people in your life who are negative as well. You need positive, supportive people, not ones who want to bring you down and make you feel worse. Hugs
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Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 10:32pm
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Wow, she really doesn't get it. I do believe that until you have been down the infertility/mc road, its probably hard to completely get it, but she has a way to go to even try?!!
Is she a friend you really want to keep for the long-term? Maybe send her this, printed out http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html - http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html If she's not, maybe send it her anyway, but with no expectation. I know it doesn't exactly point to what you have described above, and is even not even NZ based, but hey, its a start?! ------------- 3x miscarriages, balanced translocation likely culprit. BFP from 2nd round IVF, The Bonk born in May 2013 |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 10:42pm
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Wow, she really doesn't get it. I do believe that until you have been down the infertility/mc road, its probably hard to completely get it, but she has a way to go to even try?!!
Is she a friend you really want to keep for the long-term? Maybe send her this, printed out http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html - http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html If she's not, maybe send it her anyway, but with no expectation. I know it doesn't exactly point to what you have described above, and is even not even NZ based, but hey, its a start?! ------------- 3x miscarriages, balanced translocation likely culprit. BFP from 2nd round IVF, The Bonk born in May 2013 |
Posted By: Kazper
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 7:08am
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Great link Spanky. That is such a great idea. Even if you did a group email of this to people who are really supportive to so she doesn't think she is being targeted and if she complains about it, well then explain she is the only one as everyone else is supportive - or something like that.
I know FA have pamphlets you can take and hand out to family and friends and I had friends asking for them because they were very interested in the whole process to and they offered good advice to friends and family on how to support the couple going through infertility. ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/545141" rel="nofollow"> |
Posted By: kiwikt
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 10:08am
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Wow I would be so mad if this was my friend.
I have heaps of friends pregnant at the moment, all of whom know our infertility troubles and have been really sensitive about the fact they got pregnant really easy. My best friend was constantly asking if I was going to be ok with her pregnancy if she got pregnant and I didnt. Not one of them has ever said - 'you will understand when you have your own' - knowing that it may not happen. I am sorry. She doesn't sound like a real friend. Everyone slips occasionally, and I have had friends launch into long conversations about pregnancy and mother hood and how hard it is etc, forgetting that I may not ever be able to get there, but on the whole they try really hard to understand how I was feeling. Confrontation is hard - I dont recommend it, but next time she texts you something like that, reply back that you were not shocked about her pregnancy, but shocked that she could be so insensitive. People dont always know when they are doing things - it might be time to tell her. ------------- Due 14/10/11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: IVFGirl1111
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 11:42am
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Are you serious?! Man what a cow!
Huge hugs to you, not a nice situation to be in at all. Why send that email though when she knows what you're going through - that is awful! No you're not being too sensitive about it at all! I would be so upset too. HUGE hugs x ------------- TTC 6 years IVF it is IVF/ICSI round one 10 eggs, 8 mature, 3 fertilised BFN IVF/ICSI #2 = 22 eggs! 20 mature, 15 fertilised, 1 fresh transfer and 2 frosties BFN 2 Frosties still in freezer thank god |
Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 12:11pm
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Thanks ladies, you have pretty much confirmed what I thought was the best way to deal with the situation.
The hard part is, I don't know if she realises she is doing it? She is quite a self absorbed person so maybe she genuinly doesn't notice the uncomfortable moments when I sympathise with how "horrible her morning sickness is" etc. I think maybe the problem is I am normally quite a straight up person, always have been so maybe she expects that if I had an issue I would say something? Problem is, this whole infertility/IVF process has really taken a toll on my confidence & my emotional state! I don't feel confident enough to tell someone to pull their head in, I guess because I'm not even sure if I am being oversensitive? Does that make sense? The funny thing is, her sister was doing IVF almost exact same time as me and she told me that she was going to wait to TTC number 2 because she didn't want to upset her sister by getting pregnant first... So she must have some handle on how rough IVF is? Maybe my feelings aren't as important as her sisters? Spanky, that is an awesome link! Very accurate to how I am feeling. I don't particularly care if we stay friends or not but we are in the same group of friends so i don't want to be too confrontational and cause an issue. I am also worried that I come off looking like I'm jealous of all my preggie friends which is not the case at all, many of my friends have had (numerous) babies in the 5 years I have been trying and I am 100% consumed with love & adoration for them and their kids but this one girl I just can't be happy for her when she is such a b****. Sigh.... Oh well hopefully this next round works and then I can worry about my own morning sickness & not hers! 
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Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 12:12pm
Maybe I should send her a link to this thread!  
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Posted By: Lulu
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 12:55pm
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Parki, I do sympathise but I do think you are being a little oversensitive. You have the expectation that someone that has never been in your place, can imagine what its like to be in your place. For me, when I was going through IVF I would have hated for people to watch what they said and did around me and for them to be walking on broken egg shells hoping that they wouldn't upset or offend me. It would have offended me alot more if people felt they had to keep their own happy news from me so as not to hurt my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I also shed tears when close friends announced their pregnancies, but it was my journey, not theirs.
------------- Lou http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: Parki
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 1:11pm
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I don't and never have expected people to walk on egg shells around me and as I mentioned I am nothing but happy for other friends when they announce pregnancies etc. I throw baby showers, attend EVERY baby shower, visit in hospital, send flowers, everything.
It is just this one particular person that seems to go out of her way to say things that come across as either completely oblivious or just nasty. Its like having a friend who has no arms and talking about your arms in front of them all the time and saying things like "Oh if you had arms you would understand" and sending them emails with the subject 'To all those with arms out there" Its just screwed up. And actually yes, I do have expectations of someone I have been friends with for 15 years. Not an expectation that they should understand what it like to be in my place but an expectation that they support me and at least be understanding as I have been for the last 15 years of our friendship; Not make me cry all the time! |
Posted By: Kazper
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 1:27pm
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I don't think your being over sensitive. Like you said when you first started ivf you had this get together for your birthday and she used it to announce her pregnancy. That is not the act of a good friend.
I don't think this woman is thinking or gets that she is being self absorbed. None of my friends walked on egg shells, but they also knew to be some what sensitive towards these things. Every time a family member or friend announced their pregnancy they did so in private and talked to me about how I'm feeling and actively wanted me to get involved with their pregnancies and kids. It made things so much better and I enjoyed talking to them abut their pregnancies etc. ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/545141" rel="nofollow"> |
Posted By: 2_ns_lol
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 1:40pm
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Parki - I totally agree with what most people on here have said also! I don't think you are being overly sensitive at all either. You don't need to have people in your life that bring you down ¡V especially not at a time when you are supposed to be reducing stress.
I think it is natural that most people have expectations of their friends like yourself - a real friend shouldn't upset you and they should be supportive & understanding¡K. They don¡¦t have to have been through the whole ¡§infertility¡¨ journey to at least have an understanding of what you are going through! I had one of my closest friends (who had supported me through the first 2 years of my fertility treatment & was my shoulder to cry on when each OI & IUI¡¦s failed) tell me she was pregnant the day after our last IUI (before we moved on to IVF) failed. She didn¡¦t ask how I was just said she wondered how she could now sit there pregnant while ¡§my failure to conceive (her words!) was the pink elephant in the room¡¨. Some people just have no tack. I was overly happy for her and told her that also, but it was obviously all too hard for her. I cut contact and think it was one of the best things I could¡¦ve done. I agree - Remove contact, surround yourself with caring people, and make sure you look after yourself! All the best for your next cycle! ƒº ------------- TTC#1 since Aug 2006 Me: 27 + PCOS + DH: 38 + low morph 12 x Clomid cycles 4 x IUI 2 x IVF ICSI = BFP on 2nd round! http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Kazper
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 1:47pm
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Was also just wondering Parki, has she ever actually asked about what is involved with ivf? or how you are feeling? or what it is she can do to be supportive? IAny good friend who doesn't at least ask one or two of these things, is not going to be one that is supportive or one you should be around. ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/545141" rel="nofollow"> |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 24 May 2011 at 7:29pm
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Heck no, that sounds like she either just doesn't care, or she seriously doesn't understand the situation. You poor thing
My theory when it comes to 'over-reacting' or not is that infertility is a horrible hard journey - it's right up there with marriage break-ups and cancer, apparently. So if something hurts, you're not over-reacting, you're reacting exactly how you should for someone in a nasty situation, dealing with all kinds of hard stuff every day. It doesn't really matter if it 'should' hurt or not, it does, so it's not worth pretending it doesn't. With friends who don't know you're trying, that's a hard one, because there's no way of letting them know. But with a friend like this who KNOWS you're trying, I'd be telling her loud and clear that you're finding it a bit hard right now, and if she could knock the pregnancy talk on the head you'd appreciate it 
Oh, and ETA that if she's a real friend, she'll appreciate being told, even if it makes her feel awkward at the time. I know I felt dreadful telling a couple of friends who've been trying for a baby since I was trying for Jacob and haven't got there yet that I was expecting another one. If I was saying anything round them that made them feel stink, I'd want to know. It's hard in a way, because you don't want to *not* talk about the baby at all, because that's a bit too obvious and I would have hated that myself - but you know how much it will be hurting too. -------------   
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Posted By: MissMel
Date Posted: 04 June 2011 at 10:57am
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Hey Parki
It's hard aye... Some people seem to talk non stop about their stuff but never seem to ask you about your stuff. Then I feel like all I'm doing is bringing it up to keep person in the loop but it doesn't feel like they really want to know. Maybe it's just they don't know how to deal with infertility... Who knows? I have had a falling out with a friend... wanted to catch up more and it was taken as an insult. It has been hard to cope with this as well as the journey to TTC which has been a year and a half now. If people want to share their news they still need to be interested what's going on with their friends.. Hope you have at least one friend that supports you. I have started writing down how I feel, might be a bit geeky but needed somewhere to 'think'. Good luck :) |
Posted By: Vanillabean
Date Posted: 04 June 2011 at 11:35am
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I have found that there is a huge variety in how sensitive people are about these things. After I had my fourth mc three of my teammates were expecting babies (2 women, one man) and sometimes they would stand right next to my desk and talk about the pregnancies - despite the fact they all knew my situation. Another teammate who wasn't pregnant totally got it and was horrified on my behalf.
I believe they all cared about me but just had some blind spots and were absorbed in their own stuff. I find its easier to accept that some people aren't capable of responding in the way I need and to try and get support from those who are. That doesn't mean that you aren't entitled to protect yourself from behaviour that is painful. If I could have I would have avoided these people. As it was I limited social contact with them outside of work as much as I could. As much as possible I removed myself from situations that I found painful. In the end I did have a baby and sometimes I gently talk to those people about that period of time and how it was for me. It is clear to me that while they got it on an intellectual level they really didn't get the depths of pain I was experiencing. ------------- 5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: MissMel
Date Posted: 04 June 2011 at 1:04pm
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Congrats Hopes and Vanilla Bean. I agree with what you both said.
It does hurt sometimes and you just can't help it. The problem with telling people how you're feeling is that it doesn't always work out well. I tried to talk about it with a friend while on clomid and was very emotional. I ended up being asked if I was 'depressed' and maybe I needed to talk to someone. The fact was, I was trying to talk to SOMEONE! Some people just don't get how much it impacts on your life. I read how people can help with those experiencing infertility (on fertilitynz.co.nz). I wish I could forward it to the people who just don't get us. |
Posted By: amalyse
Date Posted: 13 June 2011 at 11:33pm
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I really don't understand how someone could be so insensitive?
It really sucks that someone you have been so close to has caused you so much hurt. As someone who has not had to have the horrible burden of infertility (yet and I hope never as I do not think I am as strong as you all) I would NEVER say/do the things that your friend has done. I remember before conceiving my little one the levels of jealously I would feel when people would tell me they were pregnant, it just seemed so unfair. I think of people who are struggling with infertility as parents who just havn't had their babies yet... Anyway I guess I am reading around here because I want to understand more about the feelings as I want to be there to support friends who struggle in this way. I've found it harder to support since becoming a mummy because it just seems so unfair and i feel guilty when I have my little girl, and if I ever don't enjoy her (my hubby thinks this too) as we don't want to seem so selfish when we have been handed this precious gift some people will never have yet desire with all their hearts... ------------- 
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Posted By: Kazper
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 2:21pm
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Amalyse a good way of supporting friends now that you have a baby could be to actually ask them for help. It would show them you trust them like you trust other mums and want them involved. They are lucky to have you as a friend, caring so much to find out how best to deal with it. ------------- http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/545141" rel="nofollow"> |
Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 14 June 2011 at 7:45pm
I think it's quite OK to be honest. Your friend, although she desperately wants a baby, is very unlikely to be so far gone she thinks babies are all sweetness and light and happy times. It's when people harp on and act as if they're generally unhappy to have their precious little one that you want to hit them -------------
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amalyse wrote:Posted By: catie
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 11:54am
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Yesterday my DH told an old friend, who knew that we were having one last try at IVF - our absolute last resort - that we'd got pregnant and I lost our twins a couple of weeks ago, at 8 weeks. Her response?
"Have you thought about getting a puppy?" !@#$%^&*! |
Posted By: rosiefarmer
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 1:02pm
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OMG Catie - thats awful. Hope you are doing ok. ------------- IVF - ICIS 1 - June 2010 BFN TER - Oct 2010 BFN IVF - ICIS 2 - April 2011 BFP
31st May no heartbeat D & C ,
[url=http://lilypie.com]  [
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Posted By: Tiff8ny
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 1:05pm
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Parki I agree with everyone else, you are not being over sensitive at all!! She really doesn't sound like a real friend to me if shes acting this way. My friends have no idea what its like to go through IVF and how I have been truely feeling since our failed cycle but they are all soooo caring and supportive of me and thats what I expect from a true friend and I would do the exact same for them if they were in my situation.
I say keep your distance whilst you are going through this stressful and hard journey. You dont need the extra stress at the moment hun xx Catie - that response from your old friend is terrible! Like a puppy will fix all (yeah right!) some people just dont get it do they! xx ------------- Me 32, DH 30 TTC 4+ years Unexplained Infertility IVF#1 - Chem Pregnancy,no frosties IVF#2 - BFP!!!! Plus 1 frostie 
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Posted By: Orca1
Date Posted: 21 June 2011 at 2:39pm
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Its extremely disappointing when friends let you down like that. It sounds like you have been making excuses and putting up with behaviour that constantly upsets you for long enough. While she may not completely understand what you are going through she has been a friend of yours for a long time and she should know you well enough to have some idea of how you are feeling.
Good luck with your journey. -------------  DD born 2008 Oct 2009, April 2010, Dec 2010, June 20117 x IVF/ICSI/PGD = BFN |