Failure.
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Living with Post Natal Depression
Forum Description: Around one in ten NZ mothers will be diagnosed with PND in the first year of their babies life. Find support and encouragement and share ideas for coping here.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=38650
Printed Date: 17 August 2025 at 10:48pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Failure.
Posted By: MummyFreckle
Subject: Failure.
Date Posted: 04 April 2011 at 5:26pm
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I haven’t been able to b/f – despite my best efforts and hiring a lactation consultant, hospital grade pump etc. Bleeding nipples, bruised breasts, copious amounts of tears, frantically hungry baby and a tantrumming preschooler, on top of a milk supply that just never really appeared, meant that failure seemed inevitable. I wanted to publically thank all those OB members that contacted me to offer their support in my breastfeeding challenges. It was incredibly touching that so many of you that haven’t met me offered to help, and offered practical support and advice. Big thanks especially to Flissty and Raspberry Jam for their words of encouragement. I apologise for not responding or replying to you, but for a few weeks there I was in a pretty low place and didn’t know where to start.
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Replies:
Posted By: snugglebug
Date Posted: 04 April 2011 at 9:08pm
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I just wanted to say I really understand what you are going through and feel for you.
I too had to give up breastfeeding when I didn't want to and certainly wasn't ready to. My son has reflux and was just constantly refusing to take the breast, arching, screaming in pain and hunger. I spent nights up with him trying desperately to get him to feed, and days in tears as he fought me more and more. It broke my heart when one day with absolutely no milk left I let my Mum give him a bottle of formula and he hungrily drank it then promptly fell asleep after not sleeping pretty much all of the night before. I remember being in tears shaking as I tried to feed him that night, as he refused once more, realising that this just wasn't going to work for either of us. For a long time I felt terrible about bottle feeding, wouldn't do it in front of everyone and felt the need to explain it away. I think I was developing PND before that but might have been able to keep on top of it if it wasn't for the breastfeeding failing. I felt like I was failing my son, that I couldn't do the thing that was supposed to be so natural and healthy for him. I felt like he wouldnt be able to be healthy and I was disadvantaging him. And I felt so hurt that he refused to feed from me but would happily take a bottle, I felt surplus to requirements, like he no longer needed me, that any old person who could hold a bottle would do. It was a really terrible time and Im very sorry you're going through it. I too have gone on anti depressants and just wanted to tell you that in time I have come to terms with this, I am a lot more ok with bottle feeding. It turns out my son has a dairy intolerance and is on neocate now, so it may have always failed for us. I realise now that a happy baby is most important and neither of us were happy at all during that time. It really is so hard when things don't work out like you imagined and you feel like you're not doing the one thing nature intended. But just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and you will feel better. Im still on my journey to that but Im making my way. We can do this. Hugs and hope you are doing ok ------------- Me 28, DH 29 DS born 20 Nov 2010 (4 years old) #2 due October 7 http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: escadachic
Date Posted: 04 April 2011 at 11:58pm
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Thankx for sharing MummyFreckle. And don't worry, the colic I would think isn't related to FF. As I have BF both my girls and they both had similar problems. So it's just your baby being colicky, not anything to do with what she drinks. So no need to feel bad or like a failure.
I so understand the pressure to do all you can to BF. I understand the reality is, it just doesn't always work. I'm glad you are feeling a lot calmer and less desperate too. I can't even start to imagine how totally exhausted you must be feeling in so many ways. That must be hard. 
I know lack of sleep messes with me big time. It's like barely functioning I would imagine. All you can do is function when you are that tired. I don't know how things get done when we are so exhausted, but by some miracle they still do. So glad to hear of the support those other ladies have given you. -------------   
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 09 April 2011 at 10:40pm
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I would just like to say,that you are not a failure,you may not have managed to breastfeed,but a mum that goes through all that for her baby,even if she didn't get the result she wanted,is anything but a failure ,your daughter is lucky to have a mother as dedicated as you.
My friend couldn't breastfeed,she was gutted about it and felt so guilty for not being able to,I wish I had told her what a great job she had done for trying and that she was a great mum anyway because she was dead 2 weeks later,so Im telling you,you have not failed,even if you didn't win the battle,you have shown how determined you were for your daughter and that makes you a winner in my eyes ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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