Do you ever feel
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=37238
Printed Date: 09 August 2025 at 2:43pm
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Topic: Do you ever feel
Posted By: Stephi
Subject: Do you ever feel
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 6:01pm
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some days that you think you will be a bad parent if this is your first child?
Today I have been feeling miserable, feeling crappy about the way im starting to look and just about everything. But in particular, about being a bad parent and that im not cut out to be a mum :( Ive been told by some people that I will be a bad mother cause I dont want to use a dummy and things like that with my baby, plus a lot of other things aswell, and it makes me think that maybe that does make me a bad parent :( Im also told I cant give advice to anyone because im "only pregnant", so therefore I dont actually know anything. Has anyone had days like this? They are horrible! :( ------------- 
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Replies:
Posted By: MrsMJD
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 6:26pm
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Ignore the bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He/she is your baby and you and your other half (if you have one) are allowed to parent however you want! (well you know what I mean). We all have ideas on what we will and won't do for and with our children. Some will work others won't. Everyone will have an opinion, I plan on ignoring those I don't agree with. So long as your child is happy and healthy and you feel you are doing the best you can then that makes you an awesome mum! ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">  
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 7:03pm
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I think a good idea about going into motherhood is to be prepared for EVERYTHING! Seriously. Never say never about something because, what if?
Sorry probably not much help, but def normal what you are feeling! I didn't want to use a dummy either, but wasn't opposed to it if I had to, turns out DD hated it! Would not and still won't have a bar of it! 
Ignore everyone else, what do they know?! They aren't you, and if they aren't parents then the 'what do they know?' line really sticks! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 7:04pm
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firstly ignore other people, secondly you wont know what kind of parent your going to be until your baby arrives ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow">   [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 7:25pm
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When I was pregnant with my first 14 years ago I had many thoughts about how I wasn't going to be able to cope or that I'd be a bad mum... I mean I couldn't keep a plant alive and was hopeless with looking after anything... but when my daughter was born I was fine, she was my girl and I'd do anything and everything for her and I didn't break her or forget to feed her or anything LOL... so don't worry you will be fine...
My advice would be not to have too stringent views on things until you've had baby... I think that can lead to feelings of failure if you end up doing things you vowed you wouldn't - like using a dummy, or FFing or having pain relief in labour etc... It great to ideas about how you'd like to parent, but I'd advise flexibility in those ideas until your living it ITGWIM... ...and TBH I can kinda understand not taking some parenting advice from someone who hasn't yet had kids, cos it's often quite different from how you invisage it.... but then again there are some situations where people have personal experiences or knowledge that can help even when they're not yet parents... I guess it depends on the situation and if the person actually wanted advice  ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
Posted By: tiptoes
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 8:18pm
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That's pretty ridiculous that someone would think using or not using a dummy makes you a bad parent. Try not to let it get to you, being pregnant seems to make you public property at times!
Giving out advise can be touchy whether you've got children or not if it's not asked for. So personally I'd avoid it unless someone asks what you think. Some things are less straightforward than you think unless you've been there. ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com">  
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 9:26pm
Im DEFINITELY keeping an open mind about everything. Im against dummies now but when bubs arrives things might be different and I know that. But for some reason knowing that and applying it to how I want to raise my baby still makes me a bad person apparently. Its hard for me to push aside what others say to me about how im going to be a parent, especially when those people are already parents. It hurts to hear from anyone that I might be a crappy parent. I think its just hormones but its not just the "dummy" thing that has set me off. Its many other things. And yes about the giving advice thing. This person had asked for advice, and from growing up with a brother who is 10 years younger than me and watching him grow up and watching how my mother raised him, and taking child development and stuff like that at uni, I felt like I least knew a little bit, even though im only pregnant and havent had any children yet. Then got back the whole "yeah, when your pregnant you seem to think you know everything huh?" response when all I was doing was trying to help based on my own knowledge of things, and I was asked for an opinion. I guess being pregnant (and hormonal) and having all these kinda comments thrown at you makes it really hard to cope, especially when they come from people who are more "experienced" than you with children. -------------
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freckle wrote:Posted By: Shezamumof3
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 9:41pm
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Best thing to do, is keep an open mind about everything That way when things dont quite go to plan you wont be too bummed etc
We all say we wont do this we wont do that etc etc and often find outselves doing it lol. I always said Id never co sleep but when my second was born and had terrible reflux and would only sleep with me, i did it. For me a dummy = a life saver 
When your pregnant you have all these expectations and things you want to do etc, but when that baby arrives its a whollleeee different ball game! and you just do what works really! As for the advice thing, I agree with what Freckle said ------------- |
Posted By: mothermercury
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 9:43pm
When you are pregnant/have kids, EVERYONE and his dog will give you "advice" and want to share their opinions. Ignore the haters! Nod and smile and go on doing exactly what you were going to do in the first place. 
It's completely normal to have feelings of doubt. I think just the fact that you are worrying about being a good parent means you will be fine! And sometimes the worst advice comes from experienced parents. You'd think they'd know better, but it's not always the case! Parenting is such a personal thing, and so much has changed since some of these people's kids were little. Don't worry about it; you will be just fine.
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 9:47pm
Yup exactly! Thats what I plan on doing is keeping an open mind. What works for me now may not work for me when bubs is actually here. As long as bubs is safe and all that that is all that matters really! I will use a dummy if necessary, because I know it can be a lifesaver haha but atm im just not for them but as you said things change and my mind is very open to that! I know it can be a bit disheartening if you have all these plans and dont end up going ahead with all of them. So yeah trying to keep an open mind about EVERYTHING :) -------------
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Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 9:49pm
I can't believe anyone is saying you will be a bad parent I hope these people aren't friends cos if they are you might need to find some new ones who aren't arseholes.
I sometimes read on here or hear pregnant women talking about what they will won't do etc and have a little chuckle to myself, the same as when my kids are throwing mega tanties and I see pregnant women or couples with young babies look in horror and I just think "yeah you will learn soon". But OMG I would never say anything to them, I especially would not say they were going to be bad parents that's awful. The person who said that about you giving them advice after asking for it was probably just upset cos your were right! I see no other reason why someone would ask for advice and then put you down for giving it. ------------- 
 
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Posted By: Stephi
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 10:20pm
Not really friends, kind of, but not close ones. But it still gets to me! and the person who got all sh*tty at me because I gave them my opinion was a close friend of mine. Lets just say she kind of isnt anymore after that performance she made. Kinda shows who your true friends are huh? -------------
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 29 December 2010 at 9:56am
good grief, those people should look up what makes a bad parent. A bad parent wouldn't care if their child had a dummy or not,they wouldn't care if their child was fed or not and would spend most of their time beating the child. THAT is a bad parent, a parent who has the trust of a baby in their hands and then with no regard for them, hurts them physically and mentally, who has a child looking at them in fear when there should be love and lets them down by not protecting them, or by being the person they need protecting from. Everyone else is not a bad parent, just a parent, and you will be as good as you can be, you wont be perfect, because noone is, you will always fall short,but thats what parenting is about, learning along the way. And you will learn things and adapt yourself in ways you never thought you would, eg,I never thought I would use a dummy, but in the end after 2 weeks of sleepless nights it was the only thing that soothed my daughter, and shes 8 and im still learning stuff everyday (she no longer has a dummy of course )
Im pregnant with my 3rd and still have days when I don't think I will be able to be a good parent to all of them, but you just do your best,thats all a child wants from you, that and to be fed, clothed and loved...its us that think they need more. And the people getting at you, sound like they are parents that have forgotten that once upon a time, they to, were first time parents. Ignore them. ------------- 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: TheKelly
Date Posted: 29 December 2010 at 10:00am
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Oh and for the record, I don't think you will be a bad parent, I think you're gonna be just fine,if you were going to be as bad a parent as they say, then you wouldn't care at all, and you obviously do, your babies welfare is clearly important to you, so I think you will be all good.
Focus on THAT, not what these so called "friends " are saying -------------
http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Red
Date Posted: 29 December 2010 at 12:07pm
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Try and stay away from negative people - they don't sound very nice. Maybe they are jealous of you.
I don't use a dummy with my bubs, I haven't had to, and I am pleased I haven't had to. And I think I am a awesome mummy! lol. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: Hopes
Date Posted: 29 December 2010 at 1:09pm
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Using a dummy is fine, not using a dummy is fine too, anyone with a brain knows that neither decision makes you a bad parent.
I'm guessing that most likely you said something that got under your friend's skin, and she reacted because she was tired and fed up and probably secretly worrying that she was a useless parent herself. Sometimes even when we ask for advice there are things we'd rather not hear. That doesn't excuse saying that anyone will be a bad Mum, of course, but might explain why she said it. We all go into this parenthood thing with lots of ideas. Despite the fact that they are just that - ideals - that's a great thing. To be honest I reckon we'd be more likely to be bad parents if we didn't. The fact you don't want to use a dummy means you've thought about it, that's a step up from someone who doesn't give a toss. When you actually have a baby, sometimes your ideals don't work. That's fine to. You adjust, and work with your baby - that's being a good parent. I wouldn't go as far as say I wouldn't take parenting advice from someone who's not a Mum... but I would expect it to be a lot more black and white and 'this is the way it's done' than that from someone with a bit of experience
Oh - and edited to answer your original question, yes, of course I do. I think we all do, you'd have to be pretty cocky to think you are / will be a brilliant parent all the time! Jacob has trouble sleeping in the day, and of course I wonder that if I looked after him better (somehow - not quite sure how!) he'd sleep better. On the other hand, I know I love him and will do my utmost to keep him loved and safe, and deep down I know that means I'm plenty good enough. -------------   
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Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 29 December 2010 at 10:46pm
*like* I must be doing a super job cause at just shy of 2 my boy still has a dummy ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: caliandjack
Date Posted: 30 December 2010 at 7:40am
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Babies don't listen to any of the parenting advise or read the manuals they do what suits them much like every other person on the planet.
You'll be fine and yes hormones can make things seem a much bigger deal than they actually are. Take care of yourself pregnancy and babies provide enough to stress about without worrying about what someone else says. ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> [/url] Angel June 2012 |
Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 31 December 2010 at 7:58pm
jesus, who are these people!! I didnt think Id be a good mum, but I am, Im really good, but I have bad days where Id do almost anything to put on a killer pair of heels and a suit and go back to the office, or spend a whole day on myself being pampered and spending loads of cash , just on me ! What makes me a good mum is that I do what I feel is best for my babies, its the best I can do, and its all my little girls expect of me. They chose me as their mum because I love them best. Today my eldest said 'thank you for looking after me mummy' when I made her hold my hand in the car park - once you have had a few moments like that Stephie you wont give a rats what anyone else thinks Good luck hun, Im sure you will be a great mum xx ------------- http://lilypie.com] 
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Posted By: Raspberryjam
Date Posted: 31 December 2010 at 8:06pm
I like too, and we have just binned the dummy after 2 and a half years ------------- http://lilypie.com]
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