Talking to a friend who has miscarried?
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Topic: Talking to a friend who has miscarried?
Posted By: Plushie
Subject: Talking to a friend who has miscarried?
Date Posted: 25 September 2010 at 3:55pm
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I have a dear friend i have known for years - we share a birthday even. She's been trying for a baby for a couple of years, and has had two previous miscarriages at 12wks and 14wks. She finally concieved a third time and baby had the same due date as mine. However she very sadly lost this one at 16weeks.
Now she is going through chromosonal testing, the full works which is stressful for her, and worse now they've pinpointed her as the 'cause' of the losses. She is still really excited for my pregnancy and always asks how its going, i hesitate to bring it up even because i dont want to hurt her but it seems all she wants to talk about!!! I have sort of inquired into how she is doing, but she isnt interested in talking about her, only about me/my baby. Which is fine... I just wonder if that is a front (i'm guessing it is). Like she says "oh, i'm fine" and then goes home and cries for three hours because being faced with me is too hard. Can anyone give suggestions as to how i can help, what i should do...? |
Replies:
Posted By: newme
Date Posted: 26 September 2010 at 8:35am
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I had a miscarriage on New Years Eve, and my baby was due the same day as a close friend of mine.
I was really happy for my friend, but I actually did go home and cry after I visited her a few times. But it didn't mean I didn't want to know how her pregnancy was doing. I was just really sad about the baby I lost. It really is a difficult time. I don't know what you can do but be there for her. If she says that she is fine, it probably just means that she is not ready to talk about it. Give her time, and keep doing what you are doing, cos it sounds like you are being a good friend which is what she needs. |
Posted By: 4thtymlucky
Date Posted: 29 September 2010 at 10:05am
| Just being there for her is perfect. We had a m/c at 12 weeks and it helped me a lot to be with ladies who knew what I'd been through, but she's had 3 and that is so sad but don't doubt her happiness for you. She'll grieve for as long as it takes and you sound like you're being the best a friend can be given the circumstances. Don't be so hard on yourself either. |
Posted By: clover
Date Posted: 29 September 2010 at 11:25am
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You are a fantastic friend, just keep doing what you are doing, I'm sure she appreciates it. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Vanillabean
Date Posted: 30 September 2010 at 2:03pm
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I'd say its likely that your friend does find it painful to see you but she obviously loves you dearly because she is doing it anyway. This kind of situation is really hard and there is not much you can do but be supportive, not assume anything about how she is feeling and where she is at with ttc, let her control how much she talks about her losses and of course try not to make any of those thoughtless comments people often make when they mean well but don't know what else to say e.g. at least you can conceive, you can have another one, there must have been something wrong with it, etc. ------------- 5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11 http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 30 September 2010 at 3:34pm
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^^ I can't believe people say things like that. I'm sure they do mean well, but in what situation will that help!?
Thanks guys, i feel better now anyway. Felt like maybe i was being a bad friend by waving my stomach around (not that i can hide it). |
Posted By: newme
Date Posted: 30 September 2010 at 3:39pm
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They say that and way worse. Someone said to me that it was probably for the best! WTF?
You wouldn't say that to someone if it had been their parent/sibling/partner/born child that died, so why do people say these things if it is an unborn child? madness. |
Posted By: 4thtymlucky
Date Posted: 30 September 2010 at 8:39pm
| OMG that's terrible, I guess some people don't know what to say and just blurt out whatever, which isn't at all helpful. My cousin lost 2 girls one at 42 weeks and one at 33 weeks, 20 years apart but the pain was just as raw. We sat with her in silence for 10 days (cultural protocol for mourning) but what could/would we say in that circumstance anyway? She often tells me now how grateful she is for we were there for her and I always tell her how brave and strong she is and I felt I had done absolutely nothing. |
Posted By: JadeC
Date Posted: 01 October 2010 at 10:14am
Ditto all of this, exactly. Plus, everyone grieves/ feels differently after a miscarriage. I remember after mine I was still so interested in a friends pregnancy, because I SO wanted a baby and saw it as such a miraculous thing for her that even though I was sad for me, I was excited for her. As for the horrible comments, my boss questioned my taking bereavement leave (instead of sick leave, as told to by HR) and actually made the comment "now I don't want to get into who is a person and who isn't . . . " after my miscarriage. I was too stunned to reply  ------------- http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/" rel="nofollow"> 
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Vanillabean wrote:Posted By: Plushie
Date Posted: 01 October 2010 at 3:38pm
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^^ WTF!? THats....i mean, i don't know what to say so im really careful and say nothing if i dont know how its going to come across. Thats messed up. Of course, my boss told me last week that i'm "faking pregnant" to get more days of...at 24wk with a massive bump i reckon thats a tricky one to pull off!
People are so stupid. |