Jealousy
Printed From: OHbaby!
Category: Support
Forum Name: Life After Miscarriage
Forum Description: Up to one in five pregnancies ends in miscarriage, yet for many the loss of a pregnancy is isolating and lonely. Share your thoughts and feelings here with others who have experienced loss.
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=29461
Printed Date: 19 July 2025 at 4:52pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: Jealousy
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Subject: Jealousy
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 11:02am
|
I signed into facebook today to see one of my facebook friends has posted a positive pregnancy test pic, and it has 85 comments so far this morning.
I'd like to be a big person and be happy for her, but I cant. Its been 4 weeks since I lost my baby and I am mean-spirited. And DH made the terrible error on Saturday of asking me to give our baby clothes to one of his friends for their new baby. We still arent speaking  ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Replies:
Posted By: cuppatea
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 11:06am
 Don't feel bad, it is totally normal to feel that way------------- 
 
|
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 11:13am
|
Yup those feelings are really, really normal.
I cried for days when a friend of mine posted up the 12 week scan of his baby alive and well. It didn't seem fair that they got an awesome scan pic when mine at 13 weeks showed nothing even though I knew that his partner had suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks. Sorry about the baby clothes situation. I went in the opposite direction and gave away the onsie I had purchased for celebrating getting to 12 weeks. We all have our different ways of coping, your DH was probably just trying to be helpful to a friend. |
Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:01pm
|
Im sending you big hugs too Azza.
I can totally relate to those feelings, luckily I didnt have any friends that got UTD but even people on here getting their BFPs, although i was happy for them I just so wished it was me and thought it wasnt fair back here waititng ot get a BFP when i should be X weeks PG still... You just gotta let yourself feel what you have to and eventually it will get easier, although you never forget your angel... The clothes situation sucks, Im sure you really need DH on your side at times like these, have you guys talked about it? Explained why you dont want to give them away? GL hun and Im here if you need... ------------- 
+1 May 09 Angel 
|
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:16pm
No, I turned on my heel and walked out of the room. And we arent speaking. I know we need to talk about it but he is so prickly and unresponsive now that its hard to bring up. I'm sure he was just trying to help his friend but the timing of it is so insensitive! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Emmi_ wrote:Posted By: Emmi_
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:18pm
|
ohh I just want to give you a big hug!!
And I totally agree the timing is off... -------------
+1 May 09 Angel
|
Posted By: surfergirl
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:36pm
|
Hugs. I m/c my first baby at 11.5 weeks and had a close friend who was preg at the same time (we were about 1 week apart) go on to have a healthy, happy pregnancy and now a lovely wee baby. TBH NOTHING fixed it, other than getting preg again. And even then, although I was 12 weeks preg when she was due, I left the country (honestly!) so I didn't have to be part of the 'we are all so happy' brigade; cos I wasn't. I was still sad that I wasn't having my baby too. I also couldn't attend her baby shower (I sent a gift, but just couldn't go). She has been very understadning about how tough it has been - but no-one 'really' understands. I know that I pretty much kept this preg quiet til about 30 weeks (I think some of my friends still don't know!) as I have had other friends lose babies recently, but there does come a time where I feel I'm allowed to be happy for me too. I'm sure (even though it might not look like it) that your freinds are aware that you are still sad, but they do need to have the time to be happy too. As long as they don't expect you to be gushy and happy for them and they allow you some space I think that's OK. As for your DH - wow - that must have hurt. A lot. I'm sur ehe knows it was a dumb thing to do now. And I'm sure, in his way, he's hurting too. I understand why you're not talking to him. I would be the same. But not talking isn't going to help, so perhaps you need to be the bigger person and just try to remember that men can sometimes be insenitive jerks and do/say the wrong thing and try to move past this. (I'm writing this not sure I'd be able to take my own advice!!!) Big, big hugs - the jealous, horrid feeling I had for months afterwards made me feel so low. I totally get where you're coming from. ------------- http://www.alterna-tickers.com"> 
|
Posted By: KH25
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:51pm
|
totally normal feelings Azza. I have 2 lots of friends that I know are actively TTC (only started trying recently) and I am absolutely terrified of getting a phone call from them. It is nice to read Surfergirl that things do get easier once you fall pg again (and its a sticky one lol). I had my 1st angels due date on Saturday - after getting yet another BFN on Friday. I was so hoping that life would be kind to me just once and I might get a bfp but it wasn't to be.
And like the others said, yes your DH was very insensitive - but if he is anything like mine, then he probably just doesn't have a clue lol! I hope you guys are able to talk again soon and get things sorted out ------------- Kelly, mum to DD, 19Jun06 (26wks 1lb15oz) DS1, 24Oct10 (32wks 4lb11oz) and DS2, 31Dec11 (32wks, 4lb11) http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 12:58pm
|
I *think* I may have felt better about it if they had been TTC rather than it being an "oops". Then again, maybe not.
I feel bad about not being happy for her. Instead I'm just wallowing. I would have been 12 weeks along now. I dont know how its going to be on my baby's due date if I am like this now 
I hope that getting pregnant again, with a sticky baby, will ease the hurt somewhat (and I hope it happens soon). ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 1:18pm
The other thing to give yourself is time. It's only been a month or so. Though it probably feels like an eternity but at the same time just yesterday to you! |
Posted By: clare00
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 2:06pm
|
I totally, totally get you. I lost my baby at 12 weeks in April, and have had to pretend to be happy for a few friends since then! It's really hard. I absolutely understand.
It has been a difficult 6 months for me, but my due date was on Sunday. It was a very sad day, but since then I have kind of felt a little bit lighter. And as for your DH-that was so thoughtless of him! Especially since your loss is so recent! Blokes really, really don't know how awful a miscarriage is. They have no idea aye.
|
Posted By: ElfsMum
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 2:11pm
|
hugs hugs and more hugs..totally normal to feel this way..i had one at 12 and one at 6 weeks..man i was so angry at other people...even people i really cared about... ! even getting preg didnt help me really.. man that sounds weird..when it happened twice i was even more angry like why the hell am i going through this again?
and men truly dont think that way...he probably thought he was helping:( and it sucks he hasnt at least figured it out and come to say sorry:( ------------- Mum to two amazing boys! |
Posted By: WestiesGirl
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 5:47pm
Yep totally normal. I remember a month after I MC'ed and had the D&C our SIL told us she was 9 weeks pg and if I had not lost the baby we would have been about 3 weeks apart  ...
When they told us I put on a brave face but when they left I bawled my eyes out and it hurt. It hurt really bad!!! Thank fully I have a great husband and he supported me though it. I dont know how but it does get better. The grieving process felt like forever to me but it does get better. Thinking of you hun ------------- Our Angel July 08 Gone but not forgotten
And to complete our family, our princess has arrived 
|
Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 20 October 2009 at 7:33pm
|
My husband's brother and wife have a baby due a few weeks after ours would have been born. Ouch, that kind of hurts.
I am doing ok at the moment with being happy for other people who are getting pregnant and having babies. I feel short changed, but I'm sure I'd feel short changed whatever is going on for other people!! If people give IDIOT responses when they hear about my miscarriage (not that we've told that many people) I keep focused on how I would HATE to be so foolish as to not realise how significant a miscarriage is. That helps me stay calm(ish) - just basking in being a better person  
|
Posted By: dneyn
Date Posted: 21 October 2009 at 3:58pm
|
I lost a baby in March too and where I worked there was another girl who was pregnant and everyone kept going on about it and how fantastic it was, I just wanted to scream at them all. I hated it. Inside i felt like my heart had been ripped apart. Then a few weeks later she went for her scan and the baby had died. It was her third m/c. I felt terrible for been so jealous of her.
I also had a ex-SIL who was pregnant at the time and when she found out I had a m/c came around to tell me she was pregnant. She had her baby the other day 2 days after our baby due date. It really upset me more than I could explain and DH just doesn't understand. But after all that I think it gets better there are about 4 people where I work that are pg and Im truly happy for them and excited that I maybe join them soon (after wedding lol). Bring on the sticky ones to all us TTC ------------- http://alterna-tickers.com"> 
Master 11 Master 9 Master 1 |
Posted By: Pook72
Date Posted: 21 October 2009 at 4:06pm
|
I'm pleased to read that I'm not the only one to feel like you do Azza! I have a friend who is due three weeks after I would have been and I still really stuggle to see her and put a happy face on!
Two Baby Angels 
|
Posted By: LizzyJ
Date Posted: 27 October 2009 at 1:54pm
|
I understand your feelings completely, with both my miscarriages friends of ours announced their pregnancys due just a few weeks apart from our due dates. it really hurt and i conciously had to make the decision that although it hurt i needed to be happy and excited for these people. I found that the pain went way pretty quickly. One baby is here now and i sometimes find myself wondering but enjoying getting to know the baby and celebrate his family's happiness. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com"> 
|
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 9:06am
| My friend's baby arrived last night, looking at the facebook pictures I'm so happy for her but in an excruciatingly painful way. |
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 9:38am
|
Sorry Lemongirl! ------------- http://lilypie.com">
http://lilypie.com">
http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com |
Posted By: spanky77
Date Posted: 28 October 2009 at 10:37pm
|
yup, you're not alone on this one. My friends list on fb is systematically being blocked, one by one, as people have either announced pregnancies, or posted pics of their new babies.
I had a really difficult coupla days last week after a friend here posted about their pregnancy, complete with scan pic. I had been talking to her about my mc a month or so before, quite indepth, and she'd not said a thing, very tactful and I'm glad she didn't, but I couldn't help feeling a little weird about that. (must have been really hard for her to listen to as well, I know) Anyway DP was present as I blocked her immediately, and I think he was disappointed as he asked if I was going to wish congrats . . . no, I will do that when I can say it and genuinely be happy for her, but the hurt often outweighs any good feelings you might have for someone. And the guilt about this just adds to the hurt. Its horrible. You are not meanspirited, but you are feeling, and you need to be good to yourself and look after yourself first |
Posted By: MaeBeeBaby
Date Posted: 06 November 2009 at 9:18pm
|
Azza I can't help but wonder if your DH was trying to suppress his grief by offering the baby clothes elsewhere, and perhaps he appears insensitive but deep down he just doesn't know what to do... have you both had counselling? Even though my DH was sympathetic and upset as well, he admitted it was the best thing we did the day after my D&C of my 3rd mc (at 13 weeks, baby died at 10 weeks so I saw her and found out what sex she was from the foetal testing) because he felt like he got 'permission' from the counsellor to feel the way that we did, especially him, he didn't have to be the 'tough guy', yes he was allowed to grieve.
I too have a SIL who is 4 weeks more ahead of me in pg than I would be, and she is the most supportive one of all as she has had an mc too. She already has twins through IVF, it's a miracle that at 41 she has conceived again naturally. So I am truly happy for her, but when I see her I just think that she is FAT! That gets me through it! My other SIL has a baby thru IVF but she never had trouble with mc's etc. Her baby was born 2 weeks prior to my 3rd mc, and I was the first person to visit her in hospital as I was so excited for her! But... It was revealed a month ago that she and my MIL (who I thought was a good friend and understood what we were going through) had been bitching behind my back about how selfish I was that I was making my SIL feel guilty for having a baby (gawd knows where or how they got that idea cause I haven't been in touch as I just can't be around a newborn right now!)... and that I should have visited, should have helped my SIL more, and we are dividing the family by not attending family dinners etc - I have had 3 mc's in the past 18 months and when you see your baby on that big screen, dead, well your heart just breaks, and it's something you never get over. We had it thrown at us from MIL that 'so and so have also had mc's' - my reply was 'yes but they have children now, we don't, we just keep on mc'ing'... it's like banging my head against a brick wall though! But we are supposed to be over it now... we told them what we thought of that and it has made us retreat into ourselves even more... hubby's family is close - but TOO close I think - too nosey and assuming. We have been apologised to, tail between the legs stuff, but a month on I just feel so strange about it still. Like the people I trusted and love have really shat on me and I just can't get that love and trust back. It became apparent through this that I suffer anxiety attacks and am now on Fluox from this week and thankfully I am feeling heaps better after 4 days of it - oh the joys of not sweating the small stuff! I saw a really good saying on a blackboard outside a petrol station today - 'grief has no time... so give time Time'. How appropriate for so many of us... |
Posted By: Tinkerbelle83
Date Posted: 07 November 2009 at 8:57am
|
Hi
Just saw the Jealousy post! Just found out my husband's ex-wife (they already have a son together, my 4yr old stepson) is 8 weeks pregnant! I would have been 11 weeks. My stepson's 5th birthday is around the same time they she is due so I think maybe my miscarriage happened for a reason. Going to school and having 2 newborn siblings to deal with would have been pretty hard. One is going to be difficult as he has has undivided attention from 4 adults for the past 4 years and along comes a baby. Plus he has to start school as well! Ah!! We started trying again last week so we would be at least 2 months after her anyway so I'm kinda happy about that :) A tinge of jealousy though that she is having a baby before me. :( But kinda pleased that they wouldn't be born within a few weeks of each other. Sorry for the rant but just wanted to get it off my chest. |
Posted By: MaeBeeBaby
Date Posted: 07 November 2009 at 4:16pm
|
You are allowed to rant 1stMum, that's what we are here for...
|
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 07 November 2009 at 4:37pm
|
Crap tonight is going to be fun.
DP's best mate and his wife (who has the same due date as I would) are going to be around for dinner with my parents who are desperate for a grandchild and don't know about the miscarriage. I get upset having to hear their demands for a grandchild on the phone but having them fawn over a pregnant woman who is at the same stage I would be now is going to be excuriating. |
Posted By: MaeBeeBaby
Date Posted: 07 November 2009 at 7:35pm
|
Oh poop lemongirl - if I were you I would tell them before the dinner party! Or just let them fawn over her and you drink a mouthful of wine with every nicety... by the time you read this it will be all over and I hope you got through it okay.
BIG hugs to you
|
Posted By: MaeBeeBaby
Date Posted: 07 November 2009 at 7:36pm
| Don't you find that parents are just the WORSE ones at putting the pressure on!!! |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 07 November 2009 at 11:31pm
|
The evening was excruciating. It was all baby this, birth that, baby this. I had to leave the room a couple of times and go and cry.
Then DP had the audacity to say when I said how hard i found the evening, 'well she can't not come over just because she's pregnant' Gah! How can he not get it? It's the fact that our due date is exactly the same. So I get a permaent reminder of what might have been. |
Posted By: MaeBeeBaby
Date Posted: 08 November 2009 at 9:12am
|
That is hard aye. Okay he said what he did, but he could have also given you a big hug just to pacify the situation.
There is a fantastic book out there called 'Coping With Infertility' by Dr A Domar. It's available on Amazon for a pittance (I got mine for $US2.50!!!) but the postage will put the cost up. However, whether or not you are still able to have children (I don't know your situation sorry), and this mc is just a glitch in the Big Picture, that book is absolutely amazing. Dr Domar just sympathises with mc'ers, people TTC, and infertile people, and gives scenarios just like yours and tells you how to deal with them. It's like YOU have written the book! She is giving you PERMISSION to feel as you do, but offers ideas of how to get through the bad times. Do grab a copy, mine arrived in about 10 days and I refer to it constantly when I am faced with such a situation as yours. |
Posted By: lostAmber
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 11:51am
|
lemongirl, why did you keep the m/c from your parents? i'm sure that if you told them they would be a little more understanding about your situation and provide you some repreive yes?
Anyway, i'm sorry about your night babe, I really do understand. My SIL is pregnant and just discovered that she is having a girl due April. My baby girl would have been born end of Jan. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  http://lilypie.com">
|
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 1:04pm
|
I didn't tell my parents about the pregnancy was totally unplanned (yeah I'm the one of those people with TTC problems love to hate) and I wanted to surprise my Dad with the 13 week scan pic on Father's day. Unfortunately mine was a missed miscarriage so there was nothing worth saving from that scan and after that didn't really seem like much point in telling my parents I was pregnant.
I'm still in a huff with DP. He has issues from his ex never wanting to let him have friends over. So I feel horrible about even talking about it. because it's not like I don't want his mate to come over but at the same time it is just so excuriatingly painful it is. How can he not get it? |
Posted By: jo1979
Date Posted: 09 November 2009 at 5:38pm
|
I have been reading through these posts and thinking about how incredibly complex a miscarriage is! As if the horror of your hoped for baby ceasing to exist isn't enough, we have to keep facing infinite related problems!
I hope your DP can gain some insight into how you are feeling lemongirl. Also I am TTC and I don't love to hate you! :) I think you have been through heaps and are brave. Thanks for the book suggestion MaebeeBaby. |