What to do with an unplanned pregnancy
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Category: Pregnant
Forum Name: Pregnancy
Forum Description: Pregnant! Wanting to chat to other mums-to-be (or dads-to-be)? Share your thoughts, experiences, and ideas... This is that place!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=27229
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Topic: What to do with an unplanned pregnancy
Posted By: lemongirl
Subject: What to do with an unplanned pregnancy
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 4:58pm
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I'm going to offer up my apologies to anyone who has had heaps of trouble trying to conceive or recently suffered a miscarriage. I warn you now you should probably stop reading.
I've just found out I'm pregnant. I was on the pill and feel like a huge idiot for getting knocked up. I haven't told my partner yet but he knows something is up as I've been really moody and exhausted. On one level I know that us having a kid right now would be the worst thing in the world. My partner is deep in debt due to lengthy ongoing court battles with his ex wife over martial assets and custody of their child. Plus we have his kid to care for and live in a small two bedroom cottage so there is no space. Also if I can get pregnant by accident now, it shouldn't be that hard in a year or so once the horrible legal stuff is put to one side. On the other I'm almost 30 and am feeling motherhood pangs. I know that it gets harder to have a kid as you get older and while I enjoy having my partners daughter in my life, it's not really the same as having my own child. I also know how hard it is going to live with a decision to terminate given that it seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Even my partner's best mate has just announced that his wife is expecting. Argh. |
Replies:
Posted By: AzzaNZ
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 5:05pm
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Its not helpful, but I just wanted to offer a (((HUG))).
Sounds like you're in a difficult position - whatever you decide I hope it all turns out ok for you. |
Posted By: Andriea
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 5:26pm
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hugs from me to and I thought Id share our story with you. At 18 I feel pregnant while on the injection to my boyfriend of 6 weeks. I decided to keep the baby and our relationship developed and we got married when she was 15mths. We then TTC #2 and after 3 heartbreaking miscarriages fell pregnant with her. Not long after my husband was made redundant from wor and couldnt find a job we had a mortgage and massive bills and had to move in with my parents etc. I got pregnant again (on the pill this time) In our situation at the time we decided to terminate. I cried through the whole thing and have never gotton over it. We have had 3 children since then and Im pregnant with our 6th (and lasst) I always wanted a large family but I think in some strange way Ive kept having children partly to try and make up for the one we chose not to have.
I wish you so much luck in making such a difficult and personal decision. Perhaps the first step could be telling your partner and working it out together, if you think he will be objective. Come back and share wat you decide if you can. xxx ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: shadowfeet
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 5:29pm
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Hey, I also wanted to offer a Even people that try to conceive often panic and think what have we got ourselves into. We weren't not trying, but when it happened I still panicked big time and entertained some of the thoughts you're going through. I hope you find a solution that you can live with ------------- 
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Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 5:37pm
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i was devastated each time I got pregnant (2x) and at both times thought it was the end of the world. At the second pregnancy I came on here and everyone consolled me and made me feel better.
anyway, we had both boys (after some agonising - and as I was overseas in a foreign speaking country - and accidental termination booking) and although life took a different "fork" to what we wanted and thought we wanted - we never looked back. it was wonderful and is wonderful having them in our lives. I know so well how you are feeling right now and won't give you any advice re: what you should do, but wanted to let you know, it feels like it now, but it's not the end of the world. |
Posted By: FreeSpirit
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 5:48pm
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Hi lemongirl. I couldn't read and run, I'll tell you a bit about my beautiful daughter and how she came to us.
I'd been with my boyfriend for 9months, and he and I had decided to move to australia so he would be able to pay off some of his (massive) debt. He had been offered a job there. We decided that it would be easiest if he flew over a couple of weeks before me to find a place. We had some fond goodbyes, I drove him to the airport, and off he flew while I stayed here (still working) and settled all the loose ends. My period never arrived, so two weeks after he got on the plane to another country, I was in the bathroom testing. It was positive. We had used protection, hadn't even discussed having kids yet, and I was all alone. I rang him that night and told him I was pregnant, and that I had made the decision to keep it. He could make the choice - to be a family, or to be single with a child he could visit anytime he wanted. I would come to australia if he still wanted me and our child, or he could free. He chose to be a dad and I flew over to Oz and got a job within a few days of getting off the plane, I moved into the apartment he had found for us, and I worked (saving hard) right up until 2 days before I flew home at 36ish weeks. Fortunatly DP was able to start back at his old job a week after being back in NZ. We're still together, and my man loves his little unplanned bundle of joy with all his heart. Money is extremely tight, we live in a cheap rental in a bad nieghbourhood because thats all we can afford once all the debt repayments come out, but we have everything we need. ------------- http://www.babysfirstsite.com"> 
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Posted By: mamanee
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 5:59pm
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Didn't want to read and run either.
My first child was unplanned. I had broken up with my AWFUL boyfriend of 5 months and pleased to be rid of him and found out two weeks later that I was pregnant. He was totally unsupportive, cruel and uncaring about it all, but I think somebody in his family put the hard word on him and we decided to make a go of it. I felt totally alone during my pregnancy, he hardly acknowledged it and his parents pretended that it wasn't happening even so far as asking me not to 'overshadow' the grandfathers funeral by telling people I was pregnant. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have had SO many ups and downs since then, moving out with my son when he was four months old, being a solo mum, having the father of my child completely ruin my life and then picking up the pieces and moving on! Aaaaaannd.. I am pregnant again, not planned. New Partner, we had been together two weeks, so now when I want to remember how long we've been together, I just look at my ticker, because that's exactly how long, 18 weeks. I 100% believe he is my soulmate, and we will be together forever. We are getting married in the next couple of years and are both SO excited about this baby. He is supportive, caring, loving and protective and his family have been extremely welcoming to me despite the circumstances of their son getting a solo mum pregnant two weeks after he met her! Never in my life did I think I would have two unplanned children to two different men but I feel like this is meant to be, this is the path I am meant to take and will ultimately be the happy life I deserve and want! |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 6:10pm
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grrr stupid first message didn't post...but the gist of it was that you should get some counselling with a non biased person to discuss options...most of us suckers on here are a little on the clucky side ;-)
I can understand being nervous about coping financially but it is surprising how you can get by if you need to...and most first timers are super nervous about the whole thing even us who have been trying for ages and are more than ready. Freaks me out all the time wondering how we will cope and we don't have any financial difficulties :-) ------------- 
 Oct 11
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Posted By: paulainauckland
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 7:18pm
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I didn't want to read and run either, but def wanted to give you ((((hugs))))
Only one of my four is planned. There was never a good time financially to have any of them but they have brought so much to our lives. But on the other hand, it's a very stressful time for you so I would recommend an independant counsellor. I don't know where you are in the country but if you're in West Akld try Margaret Cleary. She's excellent. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: BusyMum2three
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 7:43pm
| **hugs**...I dont have much to add except that I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do..xx |
Posted By: AandCsmum
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 8:23pm
My first was very much unplanned, even right down to the words "she'll be right" !!! My DH & I had been together years & had finally set a date for marriage, but even then we still panicked. We had considered a termination but weren't really sure about it. Now I'm glad we didn't. A similar kinda woopsy happened between when we'd had Alia & TTC#2 & I got the Morning after pill....I felt aweful about that but timing wasn't right. Do what is right for you & DP, I wouldn't change a thing now but you have to be first & foremost in a position to be able to have the baby. Nobody here will judge you for deciding what is right for your life. ------------- Kel http://lilypie.com"> 
A = 01.02.04 & C = 16.01.09 & G = 30.03.12 |
Posted By: SMoody
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 9:05pm
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Have no advice just wanted to give a huge hug. ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 9:12pm
LikePaulainauckland, only one of mine was planned too (and even that one ended up being 2  ).
When I fell preg with Maya I was in a similar situation to you (albeit much younger), and it really seemed like a disaster - the kind of disaster that can ruin your life. But like Lizzle said, altho having her meant my life took a different path, we've never looked back. When I fell pregnant with lil miss, Willie's immediate response was that I should terminate. We were not in a good place to be having another baby - I was still struggling emotionally with the aftermath of the gremlins, another baby meant the prospect of 3 kids under 2 just when we were starting to get our lives back and it meant 9 mths of hyperemesis (vomiting every day) for me. I couldn't bring myself to consider termination, and from the minute she was born, I've known my lil miss was meant to be here - she is such a huge personality and having her has been such a healing process for me. Yes, it was still damn inconvenient, 3 under 2 was a massive PITA and even now, they exhaust me, but every time I look at her, I feel like she is here for a reason. -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
(02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 29 June 2009 at 9:16pm
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Haha well I'm sharing my 'horror' story too - I found out I was pregnant about the time I decided to leave my abusive hubby. Talk about freak out. I had no access to our accounts, wasn't allowed use of the car without his permission, bore the brunt of his upset when he didn't have enough $$ for alcohol, petrol to visit his mates, enough $$ to buy the latest gadget, I'm sure you get the picture. I was also a punching bag physically, mentally and emotionally. I think the only thing that kept me from having an abortion was the belief my baby was alive from conception. Just to be clear I'm absolutely not doing the whole pro-life spiel I'm just explaining what swung the balance for me.
I've since gone through a pretty bad separation, the adventure of being a single mum, the nightmare of PND and the lovely experience of being in a healthy balanced relationship. We're now expecting number 2 who was planned and we're still freaking out. I adore my son even though its definitely complicated things, Babies are a blessing once they get here but they're also hard work and change your life. I hope you're able to make the best decision for you hun. I second whoever suggested telling your DP though. Big Hugs xOx ETA between having Jake and this sticky bub I had approx 4 miscarriages and they were really tough even though I was relieved (still feel a tad bad about that part) so I can only imagine how difficult a termination would be! It something to consider - there are definite emotional and physical ramifications of a miscarriage so I'd assume it'd be the same but worse with an abortion. -------------   
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Posted By: Flanosau
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 9:15am
| removed for personal reasons :) |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 9:49am
I was in a bad way as well. Our twins were completely unplanned in fact we had just sold all of our belongings to move back to NZ from a year in Oz. We had debt and everything we own fit into 2 backpacks 
Anyway we found out a week before we were due to come home. All we did for that week was cry. We discussed termination more than once but in the end we decided it wasn't for us. So we moved home and lived with my parents for a month while we looked for a house and jobs. Then just as we were getting used to the idea of one baby we find out it's twins! So we spent another week crying lol.
In the end we survived it and now we wonder how we could have ever thought it wouldn't work. We have a great house on the beach and Jess has been promoted 3 times in the last 2 years. We are doing really well and our kids are our absolute world. In fact I know count my blessings everyday that we didn't terminate because twins are so awesome and who knows what the chances of conceiving identical twins again would have been. (slim to none I'm guessing) You have to do whats right for you and I would never judge someone that decides to terminate as we came so close ourselves. We are completely pro-choice. I justed wanted to share our story because I was truly amazed at what a great support network of friends and family we suddenly had. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a mother on here that it didn't work out for no matter what the circumstance. We were in the worst position and now I couldn't imagine my life any other way. Best of luck whatever you decide lemongirl  It's such a massive decision but what ever you choose it will be right for you. Trust yourself to make the right decision. -------------  
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: LILLIS
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 2:29pm
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I truly think you need to talk to someone about this instead of trying to cope with it all on your own.
When I got pregnant with my first child at 16 i was petrified but I knew I had to make the decision that was right for me. Toni will be 15 in April and imagine my extreme shock when I found out 4 weeks ago that I am pregnant with my 2nd child. My partner and I have been together for 8 years and after a messy divorce from my ex and custody battle, we had talked and decided no kids for us, we had Toni and she was all we needed. I was petrified of telling my partner and we had a few weeks of ups and downs and emotions but I had to make the choice that was right for me, and at the end of the day you have to make the decision that is right for you, and not be influenced by others - either way. Talking to a friend or someone independent who may have been in a situation similar to yours would truly help. Sorry for the long post - but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 5:31pm
| Also be aware that because it's a baby forum, most of us went through with the pregnancies - so have advice to offer if thats the way you wish to go |
Posted By: Disco
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 8:00pm
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We start TTC and got pregnant after 3 months, so it was planned. But just as we found out the Sh@% hit the fan and financially things just went from bad to worse. Our business was doing horrendously with two of our biggest clients walking and we also had a few other issues to deal with regarding business which almost pushed us to the brink of selling our house and loosing everything we spent the last five years building.
I had bad MS and wasn't much use to anyone and my husband was close to cracking up over the stress. It was the hardest six months of my life, the first part of this year. I did on a few occasions wonder if the timing just couldn't be worse and didn't know how we would be able to afford to keep afloat never mind adding the expense of a baby. I wondered if maybe we should terminate and try again next year when things would hopefully be better. But so many people said to me that there's no good time to have a baby. There's always something going on and their right. I'm 23 weeks now and the thing that's gotten us through this really hard time is this baby. I've found the pregnancy hard, feeling crap and not feeling that bloom everyone seems to talk about but knowing that there's something amazing to come makes me keep positive. I think things would have been even harder if we didn't have this to look forward to. I think you should talk to your OH and make the decision together. It's such a tough one anyway but to do it on your own makes it even harder. I wish you well and hope that things work out which ever decision you make. Disco:) |
Posted By: palomino
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 9:32pm
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Hugs to you and hope you find your decision.
My little story, a very not planned pregnancy. Agonised for weeks about what to do. Even had an appointment booked for a termination. Then stopped getting influenced by my mum (she did not want me to have a kid so early (im 24! lol not really a young mum) but yea deep inside i knew i did want a baby, but i didnt want to give up my life and things i enjoyed. Partner was really supportive and we are now blessed with our wee man. He does everything with us, he comes motor racing and all sorts. Cant imagine life without him now. |
Posted By: Nutella
Date Posted: 30 June 2009 at 10:59pm
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Hmmm ya know what this site needs is some articles on where to turn to if there is an unplanned pregnancy..i had a quick look but nothing. By looking at the number of people who have gone through this it seems it would be good to have some links to pregnancy helplines etc?? -------------
Oct 11
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Posted By: freckle
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 8:56am
My first unplanned pregnancy is a teenager now my second was terminated... I sooo not how strong that pressure can be from parents huntd! My parents really didn't want me to go through with the second pregnancy.... gotta say despite it probably being the best decision for me then (solo 21 year old with a 9 month old) I have regretted it sooooo much since.
It is such a hard decision to make and I totally recommend seeking counseling to help you make your decision... I totally feel for ya!!! ------------- mum to 3 lovely girls :D |
HUNTD wrote:Posted By: LILLIS
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 10:48am
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There is a place called pregnancy counselling services - they do phone and face to face counselling.
I have a pamphlet at home I will dig it out tonight and give you the number
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Posted By: HuntersMama
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 4:39pm
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Just be careful as some of the counselling services are religious based and will give you a really hard time, and try to railroad you.
Good luck, I hope it all turns out OK for you ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 01 July 2009 at 9:07pm
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How are you getting on? I would definitely take some time to talk it over with your DP, the shock of getting pregnant (planned or not) is really too much to handle on your own. When we started having kids, my DH was studying full-time so our income was really low. We started budgeting (there are some great tips on this site) and amazed ourselves with how well we were able to pull through. Sometimes the idea of having a baby is quite daunting but have a look into how hard it will be financially because you might be pleasantly surprised. e.g. You will be eligible for family assistance etc with WINZ and/or IRD, depending on the level of your current income.
My advice would be that you are already in your 30's and there is never any guarantee that you can become pregnant later. Because you do want a baby sometime, I would be looking at it from a "what do we need to make this work" perspective. Couples counselling, budgeting, etc is a great start - and probably would help regardless of your decision. ------------- |
Posted By: caitlynsmygirl
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 12:22am
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first of all , I want to say that you are NOT an idiot for falling pregnant, it happens .
I had a termination when I was 18, always regretted it , but , If I hadn't , I wouldn't have been working the following year , if I hadnt' been working , I wouldn't have met my ex, if I hadn't met my ex , I wouldn't have got pregnant at 19 with another unplanned baby . If I hadn't had the termination when I was 18 , I wouldn't have learnt an important lesson , that when you try to please others, and not do what you want to do with your life, they will move on , but your stuck with the regret . Because I learnt this lesson , I was able to be strong keeping my little "mistake " shes now 7 , and I adore her , shes beautiful , funny , and im so proud . Now my husband and I have another little baby , and hes just as delicious , and loveable as his sister , he was planned , his sister wasnt , but I dont regret either one . I don't have much advice , except at the end of the day , do what you want to do , as your the one that has to live with whatever outcome you choose . All the best , its a scary situation to be in ------------- 
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Posted By: LILLIS
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 10:05am
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http://www.pcs.org.nz/
Give them a try - I hope everything works out for you |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 11:28am
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Hello ladies
Thank you for all your kind and thoughtful responses. DP's response was 'now is a really, really bad time' combined with 'I TOLD YOU MY SPERM WAS POTENT. ' I think he's secretly happy to have one-upped his best mate because his swimmers swam against the current so to speak. As for the result of his mutant sperm, it looks like we are heading down the abortion route. DP feels like he's dodging a major bullet right now while I feel like I am taking one. There's been lots of tears shed on my part as I try and reconcile my rational response (this is so not doable) with the emotional one (babies, babies, babies now) Unfortunately I have to go in for a dating scan as the doctor doesn't know how far along I am (as I was on the pill) so he's coming along too. I guess it makes a bit more real for both of us. |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 11:43am
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At least you get a scan first. I went for a dating scan and found out I was 12 weeks with twins!
Best of luck chic it's such a difficult decision. It certainly doesn't help that with pregnancy comes a huge dose of preggie hormones that are probably making you feel all over the place. Just remember that you can change your mind right up to the point where your on the table. My Mum was booked to have an abortion with me because my Dad told her he couldn't have another baby (they already had a 11, 13 & 15 year old) and my Mum went along with it knowing it was the sensible decision (but secretly wanting me so bad) She cried the whole time and finally on the day they were booked they were 2 blocks away when Dad pulled the car over and said this isn't for us. But sometimes the situation calls for it. If you feel like you can't give a baby a warm loving home with all essentials provided then absolutely you should terminate. Stay strong chic I'm sure whatever happens you'll get through it as a couple.  -------------
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: Andriea
Date Posted: 02 July 2009 at 7:19pm
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good luck with your scan lemon girl, hope it all works out for you ------------- http://lilypie.com">
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Posted By: SquishysMum
Date Posted: 03 July 2009 at 10:23am
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Oh Lemongirl, how hard this must be for you.
Lydia was an "unplanned" baby - we always did want kids, but they were a couple of years away yet. So when those two lines appeared on the stick, we nearly had a meltdown. To top it off, we were in the first days of a month long trip to China. We didn't return until I was 10 weeks pregnant. We considered a termination (albeit briefly), however by the time we were home and able to get one (I didn't want to get one in China), we had grown quite fond of the little creature and almost used to the idea. The initial panic is the worst! It hasn't been a very good time to have a baby - my DH's business is closing down, while he will still have a job it isn't as good, and my work is also closing down in a couple of months probably making me redundant. We also have a large mortage (we have a couple of rental houses), so things are tight. BUT... if we had waited, we might not have had a baby at all, we might have decided that it was never a good time to have one. Lydia is a gem, she is such a good baby, and we both adore her. She is our everything. I'm so pleased that the decision was taken out of our hands, and we were given the most incredible blessing. I won't say it's easy, we have made a lot of changes, but when my baby smiles at me, it's all worth it. As Loulee said, whatever you decide after your scan, I hope you have a lot of love and support.
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Posted By: Babe
Date Posted: 03 July 2009 at 5:00pm
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Lemongirl good luck with your scan.
Seems the general theme of this thread is encouragement to keep the baby and I personally do hope thats what you end up doing, however whatever you finally decide I really hope it works out for you. If you decide to have an abortion then check out the Stillborn/Loss of a baby section. You'll be able to work through some of the emotional stuff without judgement and hopefully end up on one of the due date threads when the time is right for you. Hugs xOx -------------
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Posted By: kezplanet
Date Posted: 04 July 2009 at 12:31pm
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**taking a deep breath** Hi lemongirl, I wish you all the very best and lots of strength for the decision you are about to make. Which ever way you decide it will be a lifelong decision and not one to be made lightly, as others have suggested, with time permitting def find someone to talk to. I always found it was eaiser to talk to someone I didn't know so they would be hopefully less bias as people around you, whether they realise or not, are likely to give you an opionion based on their emotions, their situations and how they think they would cope if they were you and the outcome they would like. I have had unplanned pregs and also terminations, and as you can see I also have three wonderful wee girls that I wouldn't have, had I chosen differently so, wouldn't change a thing. But that never stops me from having the thoughts of "WHAT IF". There is a lot of history and reasons for what I did and the decisions I made which I'm not going into on here. I was so very lucky to have very supportive parents and being in a different country also had an impact on what I decided. I can empathise with you about some of the feelings and thoughts that may be going on in your head at the moment but as each situation and person is different, no body else can step into your shoes and feel what you are and it is often hard to express those feelings. It is imporntant to talk as much as you need so you feel comfortable with the decision you make as it will impact the most on you and your life in the future.
I'm sorry that this has turned out so long winded but this topic still has emotions attached to it for me. You are the only that can make the right decision for you in the end so take as much support from others as you can get. ------------- Kerryn, Mum to Ashlyn(29/3/04), Anastasia(1/11/05) & Abigail (24/02/09) |
Posted By: lemongirl
Date Posted: 08 July 2009 at 1:48pm
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Had the scan, and definitely up the duff. Doctor had me at 7 weeks due to last period, scan has me at 6. I suppose being on the pill means that it's so hard to say when exactly I ovulated.
My partner continues to surprise me. He's already patting my stomach and asking about the baby. When were waiting for the scan, he was reading an article about heartburn in pregnant woman and telling me to cut back on my huge intake of spicy food. To which I said I can eat spicy food fine, I don't have heartburn and my partner replied no NOT YET. At the moment erring towards yes. Need to make an actual, formal decision next week while away on holiday. |
Posted By: lisa85
Date Posted: 08 July 2009 at 1:57pm
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How exciting it's sounds like hubby may be getting attached -------------
TTC #3 since Jan 2010 - PCOS MC April 2010 |
Posted By: fire_engine
Date Posted: 08 July 2009 at 2:05pm
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I'm with Lisa - how exciting. I hope you have the time and space to make your decision and that you feel peace with the decision.
(and I'm sitting here in the 'yes' cheerleading camp) ------------- Mum to two wee boys |
Posted By: rorylex
Date Posted: 08 July 2009 at 6:27pm
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hi there
i went through this while preg with my 1st I went and spoke to someone about it wanting advice and she very wisely told be that if i were to abort becoz he wanted me to (and it wasnt even him it was his mother) I would never forgive him and the only feelings i would feel for him if i aborted would be recentment and I would have aborted my baby for that. where as if i kept the baby he could either stay or leave, he came to me that arvo and tried to make me choose between him and the baby (his mummy told him too )
I told him what this lady told me and that their was no compitition I was going to keep the baby the rest was up to him. that baby is now our big 4yr old son and we have since had 2 more boys and we are expecting our 4th baby in january. ------------- Mummy to 4 boys Samuel - 18.6.05 Rory - 15.7.06 Mason - 13.06.08 Emmett - 24.01.10 Baby #5 - cooking |
Posted By: crafty1
Date Posted: 08 July 2009 at 6:59pm
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Oh lemongirl i've been reading with my heart in my mouth for the difficult decision you have to make. There has been some great advice so far and i can't really speak having successfully (though god only knows how!) avoided being in your shoes.
My only comment from having supported friends after abortions is that if you do go down that path to get some counselling as it can really mess with your head and your relationship. I do ditto the others that there is no good time and i've never met anyone who has regretted having a baby because once you've got one you just make it work and you are soooooooo in love with them. Like you are when you are first in love with someone and just the thought of them makes you grin and jump around and you could watch them sleep all night because you're so filled with love - well it's like that so you won't regret having her/him. ------------- http://lilypie.com">  
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Posted By: High9
Date Posted: 14 July 2009 at 7:40pm
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Hey I got pregnant 17 and had to terminate the pregnancy for 2 reason 1. I got hyperemesis gravidarum, where you get Morning sickness really bad and can't keep anything down, in one week I lost 9kg and it was NOT fun, my 2nd reason was because I live with my grandparents who are old and very old fashioned. I know terminating was the right thing to do at the time, but I do regret it. I think because you've had a scan, if you terminate you'll think "what if", however the choice is yours so goodluck and if you need anyone to talk to I'm here!! :)
http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/"> 
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Posted By: Nic133474
Date Posted: 21 November 2013 at 7:45pm
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Hey Maya and any other ladies that may read this I know this thread was awhile ago but did any of your partners end up coming ok with you deciding to have the baby??? I am in a awful position... my partner and me have been together on and off 9 years and have 2 beautiful boys aged 4 & 3 years they are perfect (they both have a few speech issues which I am working on with speech therapy) but other than that they are pretty good kids. I will be honest... I can get quite stressed as my 2 preschoolers are very busy and my partner is what his mother likes to tell me he has a unique personality and is a 'free spirit'. He likes to go out and not be tied down... I used to get really angry about his lack of being at home...but now, I just take it as it comes (he's not the type to cheat he just enjoys hanging with his friends). He is quite highly strung as he has his own business and it is very up and down at certain times which means he can get quite demanding and moody sometimes (my family get upset but they are just as bad)... So enough about our past life drama....BUT NOW it gets worse. I found out i am pregnant!! and after only a few months off the depo (due to medical issues) and had pretty much been told by a doctor that it would take well over 6 months to even become fertile again... yes i am naive and BOOM 2 months later here i am. My partner has said I AM HAVING AN ABORTION NO QUESTION!! and to start with i thought maybe I should have one because he doesnt need anymore stress, but after seeing the scan and the heartbeat that told me I was 6 weeks along, I dont think I could go through with it. He has an idea now that i want to have the baby and is now telling me at every chance that if I am selfish and have the baby I obviously dont love our boys we have and he will leave the boys and me and the unwanted piece of tissue that will ruin my life! Im a mess and dont know what to do at all... I dont want my boys to hate me for having this baby but I also know if I even tried to have an abortion it will mess me up mentally as I have also had 4 miscarriages and they were some of the hardest times in my life... I just dont know what to do and any advise would be greatly appreciated. Sorry to ramble on. Thanks in advance |
Posted By: angelswings13
Date Posted: 22 November 2013 at 3:36pm
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Hey Nic I've been with my partner for 6 years. When I found out I was pregnant 7ish months ago, he flipped. He said abort or I'm out. Our money situation is awful, he is "FREE SPIRIT" as you put it. He likes to go out, he likes to party, he likes to do whatever he wants whenever he wants, and he doesn't want responsibility, and I'm much the same as you, I used to get angry at his constant going out, but I've gotten used to it now, and I know he wouldn't cheat... But I knew, right from the second it was confirmed that I was pregnant, that I couldn't abort. And I told him that. And those first few weeks/months were really pretty sh*t. He didn't come to scans, or appointments, and he didn't want to hear about it. We fought a lot, and he partied even more than normal. Then things started to change. We found out we were having a boy. Suddenly things really changed. He might have even got a wee bit excited. I'm now almost 35 weeks. I have struggled my ASS off to buy everything I need for baby with no help from him, but he has stuck around. He makes sure I eat. He is partying less. He is talking about our son and what he will be like. I knew it was going to be hard, I was terrified of being a single mother, but I knew I had to stand up for myself, make a decision for myself, and deal with his reaction afterwards. I'm sure there are some pretty hard days yet to come, but I'm a lot more confident, even knowing he is still reluctant, that he is going to stick by me through it <3 Good luck! ------------- #1 DS 17/12/13 #2 EDD 14/07/16 |
Posted By: Nic133474
Date Posted: 22 November 2013 at 5:10pm
WOW you are so brave and go you for doing everything for your baby boy... he is going to be so loved. My partner is getting worse everyday hes now texting me to 'get rid of that thing in me' and starting a fight however he can... he does what he wants and has been out everynight this week while I am so sick and left with the 2 boys who do get a bit neglected cause I cant do much (neglected as in interacting and time with Mummy, I do still cook, clean and do as much as I can for them). It was so bad the other night when his friend just showed up (and I am not allowed to tell anybody I am pregnant so they just think I am grumpy and look like a zombie for no reason) and my partner was talking to his friend getting agitated about work and the boys wanted his attention and he lost it and screamed at them (I wont write the word but it is nasty and starts with F) OFF. I just about fell over in shock! My 4 year old has a bit of an attitude and just said 'Nah you Dad' but my 3 year old broke his little heart and came and cuddled into me sobbing. I cant say anything at the moment as I dont want to fight so I just said 'you cant talk to them like that' and his excuse was he was talking to his mate and they were annoying.... REALLY?? I have never sworn at my kids and never will, I dont even like growling at them cause I feel mean. Im not in an ideal position as he is unhappy about the pregnancy but using it to his advantage by doing what he wants when he wants and if I do make a comment... the whole get rid of itstarts again. He did it just a few hours ago because he took my eftpos card and didnt give it back and I had to get food etc and I got screamed at for a good 30 minutes. I want to leave but I cant... where do I go? I cant raise the boys alone and especially after the baby is born as I have to have a c section so I will need help. Im stuck and miserable and he knows it and is using it... I really wish I had a support system to help me out of this. Im now scared I am going to miscarry as the stress I am under is non stop 
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Posted By: RachFizz
Date Posted: 22 November 2013 at 6:09pm
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Huge hugs lemongirl. There will be support for you no matter what you decide, and there will be haters too. I would say follow your heart, and that you never know what tomorrow may bring. ------------- TTC#1 since Apr11 On hold for study! |
Posted By: Jessaroo
Date Posted: 22 November 2013 at 9:06pm
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Sounds like an effing douche bag to me. It may seem like there is nowhere to go but I promise things work out you have to make the best decision for you and for your kids - if he continues this way and you walk - his loss. Stay strong, I'll be thinking of you xxx ------------- http://lilypie.com" rel="nofollow"> 
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Posted By: Nic133474
Date Posted: 22 November 2013 at 9:23pm
| Thank you so much for your kind words xx I am a blubbering mess and im over walking on eggshells. His cousjin and partner live here at the moment and they were home when he flipped out and I feel embarrassed so apologized. Not many people really know what he is like and sometimes think im being over dramatic but once they witness it themselves they dont know what to say. It is time to leave, I just hope it will make him a better Dad for our boys and this baby if he wants anything to do with it. I love him so much but he mustn't love me if he can treat me.like this. Thanks again xx |
Posted By: JaniceN
Date Posted: 25 November 2013 at 10:01pm
| After reading this all I can say is wow . What a f wit. This is abuse , emotional abuse and you need to get out with your kids. You need to do what's right for you and them and believe me they aren't suffering because of you but they sure as hell will be sensing all that is wrong and how stressed and unhappy you are, kids are tough and they'll be worrying about you mum. You sound as though you already know you don't want to give up this baby and you know you need out. I hope you find your strength and get out. It will be hard but you will get through this . You are worth more and you don't need a guy like that .take care |
Posted By: Lisa333133896
Date Posted: 26 November 2013 at 9:23am
| I liked the previous comment. I confirm this opinion |