i’m at my wits end!!!!!!
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Category: Have A Baby?
Forum Name: Toddler Times
Forum Description: Is bubs growing up and getting into everything? How do you train them to use the potty? When do you start feeding solids? Share your tips and advice here!
URL: https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14884
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Topic: i’m at my wits end!!!!!!
Posted By: jack_&_charli
Subject: i’m at my wits end!!!!!!
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 11:04am
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i've been thinking about posting this for the last couple of weeks so i'm doing it now while the kids are at it again.......
i'm so so so sick of jack! he's forever pushing, hitting and taking toys away from charli and it's driving me insane! i don't like the mum i've turned into when it happens. i yell and scream at him the neighbours must think i'm the worst mum ever! they will be running around chasing each other, laughing and playing nicely, then jack will start pushing charli and she falls over, or he'll grab her top and pull her down, then lie on her and bounce his head on her  so the constant crying from her drives me nuts, then when i tell jack off for it he starts crying also which pushes me over the edge
he is also ignoring me whenever i speak to him. if i ask him to come to me or do something, he just walks off. i've tried the naughty seat and it doesn't work with jack, he goes there by himself and sits quite happily. i explain what he's done wrong and then 5mins later, he's at it again. we've taken toys away from him, he doesn't care and plays with something else....pretty soon there'll be nothing left! now, i've also resorted to smacking his bum......i know this isn't good, but i've tried talking to him and explaining how it makes charli and me feel, but that's just not getting through either....so what's left to do?????? i've thought of just ignoring it, but i don't think that's fair on charli. DH and i feel it will stop when she starts pushing him back, but i could be in a mental institution by then! any help, constructive critism grately appreciated ------------- http://www.alternatickers.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Replies:
Posted By: .Mel
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 11:08am
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Sounds to me like he's being the dominant male and basically showing Charli who's boss, unfortunately he's not being very nice about it.
Charli is to young to stick up for herself just yet, so I'm afraid you may have to keep stepping in. It be too that he sees you playing favourites, when all you are really doing is trying to control him.. Does he go to preschool at all? Perhaps he's bored with being at home with the girls? I'm not too sure what you can do to stop this horrible behaviour. I was lucky enough that Conor was 7 when Nyah was born, so we are only just going thru the "it's mine" stage. They can normally work it out on their own. Hmmm let me think about this one... ------------- Mr Mellow (16) Miss Attitude (8) Destructa Kid (3) 
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 11:25am
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OK, this may not work at all so feel free to absolutely ignore me but I'll let you know what I have been doing with Hannah lately.
She's been pushing the limits a bit and I found myself resorting to bluffing and screeching, none of which worked. So I had to go right back to being a Mum who takes action. So I have had a talk to Hannah about what sort of behaviour I expect from her (she's old enough to get this) and if I catch her doing anything then she'll be going to the corner. If she does one little thing that is silly then I give her a warning, the next time she's in the corner. I don't wait for her to do something really naughty before I put her in there, but get it before the naughty stuff happens ya know? It does require me getting off my butt. I also use 1, 2, 3... then action. Hannah knows that if I start counting and she hasn't done what I asked by the time I get to 3, then I will march over and make her do it myself. This allows her to be 'independent' but remain within my control. The other thing is, often this sort of behaviour means that you need to be actively engaging both of them, instead of watching them play. Unfortunately this means a bit of effort on your part (something I am not entirely keen on  ) but really does make a difference. The behaviour is a cry for attention from you. ('You' as in parents everywhere, not you specifically  )
I hope you manage to get it under control. Nothing like having to re-establish boundaries... just to have them pushed right back again
Good luck xo |
Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 11:25am
| P.S. On the naughty seat not working thing... I really do think you just have to be vigilant with it so that you can get back to the warning being enough to affect behaviour, ya know? |
Posted By: peanut butter
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 12:32pm
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he he Nikki, bugger this needing to put effort in huh? I have even noticed with Tom that if I have had him up and thoroughly engaged him and played with him rather than leaving him to his on devices he will go down for his sleeps without much fuss. Whether this is because he has had my attention or just becasue I can exhaust him more that he can himself who knows.
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Posted By: nikkitheknitter
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 1:04pm
| I know. Effort. *pffft* |
Posted By: CuriousG
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 2:05pm
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I have found the exact same thing Nikki, engaging in what they are doing, even if she is watching the Wiggles, I spend some time sitting and watching it with her and we chat about it.
I find that just by putting even a small amount of effort into getting involved, even for only 10 mins, she is much much better. And sometimes Ill sit for 10, do something for 10 and come back again. It works a treat! ------------- http://lilypie.com"> 
http://lilypie.com"> 
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Posted By: Maya
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 8:15pm
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LOL in our house Mercedes is the dominant male, she pushes Sienna around, bites, hits etc. etc. Sienna does get her own back occasionally.
No advice here tho I'm afraid, Maya is old enough to be beaten soundly if she gets physical with the gremlins. OK so maybe not beaten soundly, but you know what I mean... -------------  Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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Posted By: mummy_becks
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 8:51pm
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I can tell you what daycare have told me what they do with the kids there and i'm trialling it at home, as what you wrote is Andrew down to a tee. When anything happens remove yourself and Charli out of the room and go and play somewhere else, let Jack calm down at give him no attention at all. As some children thrive on any attention be it positive or negative. Once Jack has calmed down get him to say sorry and explain why he is has to say sorry. Repeat every time it happens. ------------- I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived! |
Posted By: fattartsrock
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 9:25pm
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My two do this as well, but my Charly is the instigator!! AND she has discovered that if she thinks I can't see that "jake" has hurt her, she lies herself down and starts howling (and he is just ignoring her) so I come and tell Jake off!! I know cos I've seen her do it unbeknown to her twice this week!!! ------------- The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 9:38pm
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Jack's old enough that you can expect a lot of him. I would second getting down to his level and laying down the rule and consequence. Then you will have to follow through every time, even if he cries don't give in. I suspect he is trying to get negative attention from you, so removing you and Charli from where he is would probably do the trick.
As far as the naughty seat goes, you might need to stick to it rigidly for every little thing for a while (restating the boundaries). Is it in the lounge? You might need to move it just out of your eyeshot so he is not getting your attention whatsoever. Alternatively you could shut him in his bedroom for a couple of minutes - that way you are definitely "the boss". It seems to me that he is not so much doing it because he is a "nasty boy" or doesn't know the rules etc, it seems that he's quite happy with the consequences generally but still does it anyway. If that's the case, you need to make sure you are giving him lots of positive attention. This is far more important than having good boundaries. See if you can stick with him for 1/2 hour a day of constant attention and help him to learn new things that only "big boys" can do (vs Charli). This will give him good attention, teach him stuff that he can then do on his own (AKA relieve his boredom, cause kids just want to learn), and give him a sense of pride/responsibility with his age instead of envying Charli as being the "baby" and therefore attention-winner. Some ideas for that are (and you'll have to just pick and choose depending on what he's into): Kicking a ball - Set up some kind of goal or line and see how far he can kick it or how fast he can run along with it (kicking) from A to B Throwing and catching a ball Drawing/tracing shapes and/or simple letters Doing painting or drawing together Playdough Getting him to help clean windows (why do kids love this?!?! LOL) Stack blocks as high as you can before they can fall over and have a competition who can get the highest tower Teach him colours/shapes and recognise them in books etc Jigsaw puzzles Hopefully some of that helps! ------------- |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 9:48pm
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Jake used to be the same with Taine, but we changed two things - started spending more one on one time with Jake - lots of things that taine can't do cause he's too young - we go on about what a "big boy" Jake is to be able to help me with the dishes/do some painting/come to the supermarket.
the second thing we kinda did - taine grew up and fights back - can't really take too much credit. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 29 February 2008 at 10:15pm
ooo sneaky Charly!!!!  
*has a little giggle* ------------- |
Posted By: Rachael21
Date Posted: 01 March 2008 at 2:16pm
| Hey Vanessa the naughty matt doesn't work here either my Jack will quite happily sit there and not change his behaviour so we started putting him in his room and that has worked so well. It hasn't made him hate his room either. |
Posted By: lizzle
Date Posted: 01 March 2008 at 4:30pm
| i treat "time out" as being a time out for me, rather than jake. I put him and I away from each other and the situation - i tell him that he can come out when he's calmed down. Sometimes he'll come out within a m inute and say sorry, at other times he'll stay there for over ten minutes. I donb't really consider it punishment as such. he goes into his bedroom. |
Posted By: busymum
Date Posted: 01 March 2008 at 7:21pm
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Yep sometimes we do that too. We did it just this afternoon when everything was spiralling out of control - told the big girls to go to bed with a book but they didn't have to sleep, so they did and we let them back 20 mins later. What a relief! ------------- |