Help with controlling phase issues

Going through a challenging phase!

We just moved house so that accounts for some of it, but not all.

Here are the main sticking points:

1.     Food – Gabrielle will not touch ANY meat or vegetables no matter when, where or how they are presented. It is not that she doesn’t like them, she will just down right not even try one tiny taste. We’ve always taken a very casual approach, not wanting to create battles or issues. She will just hop up, look at her plate, get down and that is that. She has on-going iron issues and I believe is at a point where she is generally suffering from her limited eating habits. What do you with a kid who just won’t even TRY anything? We do not give her anything if she doesn’t eat her meal – she just goes to bed hungry and is fine with that. We cut out all snacks etc for a while and just offered 3 healthy core meals but she just went on being hungry for a couple of weeks and wouldn’t budge one bit.

2.     Toileting – We are 100% sure she has been ready to TT for almost a year now. We are at a point where even the night nappy is totally dry. She gets up, waits and hour or so then lets it all go and wets right through her nappy. She does this about 3 times a day. If she has no nappy on, she will warn us wees are coming and CAN control when they come. The issue is she REFUSES to sit on a toilet or potty. We’ve tried just going to a certain room to do the wees but nope. She’s picked her own potty, her own knickers etc but just refuses. She has a book about using the potty that she loves and she loves to toilet train her toys. She simply tells us likes nappies and has no issue with one that is so full it is down to her knees.

3.     Shouting and screaming! About everything. Even things she wants – if we offer it, she melts down saying “no” then melts down because she DOES want it. DH and I never even argue (truly!) let alone raise our voices with each other or her so I don’t understand this. We ask her to use her quiet voice so we can understand and then try to ignore the shouting but she is sooooo persistent. This phase is lasting too long for my liking. If you ask her if she’d like a biscuit for example, she will say NO! and then when you go to put the tin away she has a wobbly crying and shouting “I need a biscuit” so you lower the tin for her to choose one and again she shouts NO! and cries more…and so it goes on.

I know part of it is a phase of growing independence so we try to accommodate that as much as we can but, for example, on the mornings I work or we have music, we can’t give her an hour for breakfast, an hour for dressing, let her dawdle to the car, wait for ages while she climbs in etc so I have to balance giving her the chance to do things with helping her. When I help her she gets soooo upset. This morning she took sooooo long with everything and we ran very late despite getting up early so I had to lift her into the car (she refused to get in quickly even though I made it a fun game). She then screamed about that for a good 10mins!

We’ve examined ourselves and are confident she has plenty of good fun interaction, that we are not being dominating or controlling and that she has plenty of choice (but not too much), so I am not sure why she is so intensely controlling. As I say, it will be partly due to the move but the food and toileting have been going since well before the move.

Heya Fiona, I just read Nigel Latta's book 'before your kids drive you crazy read this' and it had a really good part about toilet training (at least I think it was that book). Can't really summarise it at the mo (washing to do, fun!) but it's a kind of different approach that may work for Elle. If you haven't read it, I have a copy you're welcome to borrow.

She doens't go to daycare - she is with her Nana and LOVES it.   Her nana is the most loving, gentle person you'll ever come across and the only thing she'd be guilty of is spoiling Gabrielle with too much attention i.e. she doesn't even hang out washing when Gabrielle is there, I was just working 2 days but now am doing 3 so I am home with her the rest of the time.

She has never ever liked eating - even at 12 months would choke on anything with any texture. She now manages everything fine but would rather not eat. If she touches something and it feels slimey she won't eat it (unless it is icecream or yoghurt).    She does not have any other sensory type issues.

Definitely not a talking issue. She is a fantastic talker...it is her strength. We communicate really well together.

Probably just a phase :) She is very happy and loves talking with and meeting new people. She is just stroooooong willed.

Yeah, no joy anywhere. She's been assessed and they simply think she is bright.& creative. Apparently being awake a lot in the night can be quite common amongst kids with active brains.   She certainly doesn't exhibit any signs of a "disorder" so all those kinds of things have be ruled out. Given her great language, imagination and amazing memory that is the conclusion they've come to.

Geez, this sounds tough....I can just imagine myself asking these same questions a year or so from now lol. Our wee boy is very talkative and strong willed too. Its been awesome being able to communicate with him from an early age (leaves no room for doubt about whether he's hungry, full, tired, needs a nappy change, etc), but I'm finding that I therefore want to negotiate and *reason* with him a lot, rather than set limits and stick to them.  He's already testing the boundaries and I know I'm going to have to change my parenting style soon, but I'm still unsure how...makes me feel like a mean mummy!  So I don't have anything to offer really Fiona, sorry for the ramble, no doubt it is just a phase.

Is Gabrielle excited about becoming a big sister? Do you think that could be affecting her behaviour at all? Have you tried involving Gabrielle in the meal preparation or picking veges from the garden and eating them outside, or having picnics etc? The kids at the Montessori kindy here help prepare their own lunch each day, and grow veges in a glasshouse ...a few two year olds attend and participate in those activities. And what about inviting a friend over for a lunch date so she could watch other toddlers eating...might pique her interest?

ETA - this sounds really horrible, but have you tried putting her in the old fashioned cloth nappies during the day, so that she feels uncomfortable when she wets them? Mum swears this is the reason we toilet trained early, and I guess the MCNs must feel like bliss in comparison. 

Edited by kakapo

Yeap Kakapo tried all those things.

I should clarify, she DOES eat. She will eat weetbix with milk, bananas, pears, apples, grapes, rice crackers, crackers, peanut butter sandwiches, cheese, egg, yoghurt, anything sweet LOL, a little carrot, muesli bars, nuts. She just won't eat meat or vege or pasta meals even at lunch with other kids.   If she hasn't eaten well for a few days she also has complan and V8 fruit and vege juice. She has a multi vit aminsupplement from her doctor too. She just doesn't tend to want to try anything new. Her Nana just gives her what I put in her lunch box plus perhaps the odd rice wafer or pear. They are very healthy and frugal people and don't even have junk food in their house.

As for the nappies, we have mcns and sometimes she will wear knickers but just doesn't mind being totally wet - she'll tell you she's done wees and is wet but won't be phased by it. Occassionally she will ask to take the wet thing off but generally just keeps on playing.