Think Positive

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   I hope you all don't mind but I wanted to put my story here. 

June 9th - 12 weeks pregnant - my first midwife appointment and after the severe sickness was finally calming, I was really looking forward to hearing the heartbeat of our baby. I went in, filled with hopes and dreams, only to come out worried silly about our baby. I went for a scan the following day and they told me that our baby had died, they couldn't give us a reason why or how and I basically felt like my world came crashing down. Because they couldn't give me a reason I started blaming myself. I mean something had to cause it, or so my logic was at that stage.I felt that because I had wished it all over with because i was so sick, that was what caused our baby to die. I've never felt so empty or so guilty. Mark tried so hard to be there in support for me, but I felt like I had let him down. I tried to push him away because I didn't deserve him. I mean, I had killed our baby. Because he didn't know what to say or do he began to distance himself a little which in turn made me think he didn't care.....Gosh when I look back now the poor guy just couldn't win.When I was pregnant I used to lie in bed wondering what our baby was going to look like, would it have Marks eyes, his smile, but then I realised that we'll never know. Silly thoughts I guess but feelings aren't always rational and mine certainly werent then.

So, on June 13th I went in for my D & C, I was scared and as silly as it sounds I wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. But it was. 

For a while I couldnt even look at babies, if I saw anything that made me think about it, I'd just burst into tears. My partner probably thought I was a nutcase and I guess he wouldn't have been far wrong. 

I had to deal with the "maybe it's for the best" comments and when my darling Mother in law told me to get over it, my heart broke all over again. Still, I guess those with no understanding, have no sympathy. And she just didn't understand at all. 

29th August - I did a pregnancy test and got a very faint positive, my heart leapt because this baby was so wanted, so loved, so I went to the Dr's the following day and did another test but it came up negative so it was off for a blood test . My HCG levels were only 30 so the Dr rung me and told me not to get my hopes up as I was more than likely not pregnant any more. 

5th September - CD33 - we lost another angel....Mark was away with work and I felt so alone...am I such a bad person that I can't have a baby ? Have I been such a bad Mother to my older children ?

19th December - did another pregnancy test.....another very faint positive. Please Please let me keep this baby....... 

20th December - CD 26 - went for a blood test...HCG was only 10 - but it is only early so lets cross fingers. 

29th December - CD 34 - for some reason I couldn't resist......I did another pregnancy test....even though it's now been confirmed I keep checking that we're still pregnant. 

10th January - went for a scan.......OMG I saw our baby's heartbeat, he/she has a heartbeat, I've seen it for myself this time. I can't believe it's finally happening. We're due 1st September  Mark will get his first Fathers Day wooooohooooo

12th January - had a little bleeding but it stopped after lying down for a while 

13th January - Friday 13th - well it’s certainly an unlucky Friday for us today. Got up at 5am when Mark got picked up for work and the bleeding started again. It’s slowly got a little heavier but not real heavy and there has been a couple of small bloodclots. A little cramping but nothing major yet. Went to the Dr at 10am and he took a blood test to see what the HCG level is at and he said if the bleeding doesn’t get heavier he is sending me for a scan tomorrow morning. I don’t want to lose our baby, I can’t handle this again. Its not fair, why me 

This baby means so much to me and we’ve already been through so much. All I want is a healthy and happy baby with the man I love. 

Not too much to ask is it ? I can’t believe how happy I was yesterday and now everything has fallen apart. Rung the Dr just after 3 but he ended up ringing me back. HCG levels were 3500, lower than he’d expect 

5pm went up to the hospital to get an Anti - D injection and they seemed hopeful but I just knew in my heart and soul that we'd lost our baby......

21st January - Do you ever wish you could just go to sleep and never wake up ? 

Do you ever feel like everything you touch turns to complete and utter ****? 

Well that’s how I feel. 

25th January - This still sounds weird....but I had a dream. Now remembering that at this stage I would have been lucky to have ovulated, let alone conceived but my dream was basically about giving birth to twins. I wrote it down in my site and when I look back now, I'm glad I did because no one would believe me otherwise lol

8th February - Went into the Dr’s to pay some off my account 

While I was there the nurse printed off copies of my blood tests for me and i thought that since I was there anyhow I might as well grab a couple of pregnancy tests 

Don’t know why but when I got home I did one. Haha I'm such a testaholic. Going on my charting I'm not even due for AF for another 4 days

OMG 

It came up positive but, it wasn’t supposed to. 

We weren’t supposed to try this month 

Now Im in panic mode again, I’m so damn scared that something is going to go wrong again because we got pregnant too soon.

Well....about 8 months later, after a really tough pregnancy that I wouldn't swap for ANYTHING, I gave birth to my beautiful identical twin girls.

I look back now on everything and I still shed tears and I will always wonder 'what if '

But - where I had given up hope......hope found me again.

So I know it's really tough.....and it hurts....man does it hurt. But there is ALWAYS hope, so DONT give up.