Never thought I would end up here

I know that its so very common, but I am absolutely utterly devastated and I dont know what to do with myself. We didnt plan this little one but once we found out I was pregnant we were very excited. I lost the baby yesterday at 7 weeks 6 days. I feel literally empty inside and every time I think I am doing a little better I end up crying again shortly after.

I think the most traumatic thing for me was passing the baby itself, before now I had never thought about that as part of what happens with a miscarriage. My heart aches both for us and for every woman who has ever had this happen, it is so tragic and hurts so very much. My baby was very real and the loss I feel is that of a child.

I just needed to write something to feel better. Any ideas for coping and moving on a bit would be really appreciated. We wont be trying for another for at least a year which for some reason makes me feel guilty. I just feel like I am totally changed and I dont know how to be the person I was.

I'm so so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It can be a really traumatic time, and although I don't have a lot of advice as to how to make the pain go away, I feel I can assure you that with time it does get easier.

The physical side of it can be incredibly distressing too, I know from experience, and you're right in saying that it is not usually something people think of. I have had trouble with replaying it over and over in my mind, and there came a point where I couldn't sleep at night because of it and I just had to keep distracting myself and force myself to not think about it. In the early stages though, I would say let yourself grieve and be as upset as you need to be. It will pass, and one day you will remember this loss without crying.

As for feeling changed, I wouldn't say that's a bad thing. I am definitely changed after 3 losses, but it is a part of me now, and I would try and embrace it and use it to grow stronger

Take care!

Thank you so much all of you for replying I do feel pretty alone in it and its hard because no one wants to talk to me about it because they can see how fragile I am.

We will name the baby I think that will help but I am still getting used to that idea because I am not sure how to do it right.

I am like that with not being able to sleep, I know its only been one night but its when I am alone with no distraction that I cry.

And thank you for saying that Babe about how my husband would react. Its so odd to me because our 6 week ultrasound had a heartbeat but had worrying size and he had tears in his eyes then, but now that I have lost the baby, its like nothing has happened. Its really hard to accept that its different for him.

Thank you all again for your kind words they are very comforting. This experience has certainly made me realise how devastating miscarriages are and I dont think I ever truly appreciated how hard it is. I really hope I end up stronger but at the moment I do just feel like I am at the limit of what I can cope with and it just amazes me how many incredibly strong women go through this, even multiple times.

Hi

So sorry for your loss, its such a tragic experience. The ladies have given great advice. Take time to grieve and don't rush the process, its ok to be sad and cry for as long as you need to, it doesn't seem like it now but it does get easier. Keep talking to your DH so he knows how you are feeling, I found this helped me.

Take care x

Unless you've been through it, it can be pretty hard to know what to say. Thats why this forum is so great coz so many mamas in so many situations can understand and be sad with you.

I agree with the other posters - keep the lines of communication open with your DH. I've asked my DH if he could give an idea of how he felt and this is what he says.
For the first few months he can only live the pregnancy through me. Til we get to the stage where he can feel baby moving he basically takes my word on whats going on. It isn't 'real' to him. He felt very helpless when I MC'd because there was nothing practical he could do and because he was still at that living it through me stage he didn't know what to say. He knew there was a baby but he didn't know the baby. Its almost like you have someone come and stay for a couple of weeks then they go home again. You enjoy the time you have with them but when they go home you miss them for abit but you find yourself slipping back into the old routine and their visit becomes a memory.
Now I don't know if this will help you because your hubs might be different to mine or whatever but it might make a difference. My DH says hes really sorry you and your family have to go through this.

Theres no right or wrong way to name the baby. You can print off a little certificate of 'birth' with the details of baby i.e edd, date of loss and name, you could have a larger stone engraved with the details and place it in the garden, you can just name baby in your head. However you want to do it is just perfect.

Hugs to you gossamer! I miscarried our what would have been our third child a few weeks ago. I also couldn't believe how difficult it was, and does make me appreciate how strong people are, and how devastating losing a baby is.

I really appreciated and still do when people asked me how I was, and found that talking about it really helped. I also wrote down my 'birth story' so that it won't be forgotten. I agree about telling people, I found I had to talk about it, because unlike my DH (who was so kind to me, but dealt with it very differently) I couldnt pretend like we hadn't had a major event in our lives.

Finally, all I can say is that life does get better, and returns to a new normal. In the first week, I found myself crying often, even driving down the road and thinking about it would be enough to bring tears. However, with time (it has been about 3 weeks) I am feeling better. I still find I need to talk about 'it' often, but I am not crying anymore. I was meant to see my midwife this week, and every time I see that written on the calendar I get a pang of sadness.

And I've written a novel! What I really wanted to say was give yourself time, despite what others might think and say (my MIL said, well at least you didn't lose it at 34 weeks like so and so did, and then has never mentioned it again), it is a life changing event, and you need to take some time to greive.