Tantrums - HELP

Hi All

I know there has been many a topic on this and I've googled and searched on here to find some answers but couldn't really find much on tantrums when we are out.

DS is a tantrum thrower - he started them a while ago and when we're at home I deal with them by ignoring it or giving cuddles (depending on what started the tantrum), they are usually short lived and he gets over it pretty quickly. I can deal with the yelling, screaming etc. It's never pleasant but at least the audience is limited to myself, DH and DD.

I'm finding the tantrums when we are out a huge issue. anything/everything and nothing at all will set him off, for no apparent reason he will start screaming, flailing and yelling out wherever we go and it starts in the car on the way there or as soon as he's put into the pram. We have a doubles pram, he is in the front (as opposed to being "stuck" at the back) we bring snacks, water, and toys. He just chucks everything back at us or onto the floor of wherever we are. He screams at the top of his lungs and aside from it being extremely embarrassing, I hate that being out causes so much anxiety for him that he has to get this upset about it. I am at the point where I don't go out on my own with the kids because I don't know what I'd do if he does this when I'm in the parents room with DD trying to feed or if we're in the supermarket checkout (usually one of us distracts him while the other pays etc). This has been going on for months.

At first I would offer him the snacks, drink, toy, cuddle, attention but none of them work for longer than 5 mins a time and I feel like he should be able to control himself for a period while we are out.. or am I expecting too much?

We always go out earlier in the morning after breakfast and long before his nap or after his nap in the afternoon so he's not tired or hungry when we're out as I know these would contribute to his behaviour.

I am really at my wits end, I feel like I'm being held hostage sometimes because I'm too scared to take him out. The dirty looks make me feel like the worst mother in the world which of course I already do because of his behaviour. The end result is usually me in tears, on the way home and not having got done what I needed because I've left the place due to the tantrums.

Just to add - this is not a result of DD, he was doing thus long before then although they have progressively gotten worse.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

Hi Kazper

I just popped on, great timing!

Funny you should say that actually and I didn't think this would have any bearing on it until you mentioned it. DS has a rash on his face, it goes from hardly there at all to quite bad from day to day. He's had it for a long time and my old GP tried all the usuals (acqueous cream, fatty cream and other creams) and nothing helped. My new GP got us to try a few things which still didn't work so two weeks ago we took him for an allergy test which showed nothing. After another trip to my GP she has recommended a really good pediatric dermatologist so we have an appt with her next week. Perhaps whatever is causing the rash (a food intolerance perhaps) is making him feel unwell and therefore making him so upset. I'll talk to her about it at the appt.

Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it

pudgy thank you for posting that link - the last part brought on a few tears and I will now look at tantrums in a new light. Thank you

It is very possible he's feeding off my anxiety, and the fact that I don't go out much with him probably makes it worse because when we do go out, we're both so worked up.

I hope she can too, it's nothing too major and doesn't seem to bother him at all but if it is a food intolerance it may be affecting his tummy so I want to get it sorted.

Thanks Kellz, I am beginning to wonder if it is an intolerance that's making him so unhappy.

I am hoping she will run some more tests (for the cost of the appt I'm going to demand it!!) and I will be asking her to do everything she can for it.

As we have health insurance I'm going to try her out and see what happens but if she can't diagnose or help with it then I'll be seeking help elsewhere ie a naturopath as you suggested.

Thanks for your reply

Thanks for replying Issacsmum Yes he is apparently worse when I'm there, DH took him out yesterday afternoon and he had a few moments but he was pretty good. Though I could also make out that he's worse for me because I get so embarrassed by it.

Its just so frustrating that his tantrums at home are by far, more bearable and shortlived but I guess it will automatically seem worse in front of a large shopping mall audience.

He is such a good toddler other than this and he has his lovely moments when he sit back and lets us shop in peace He's a real cuddler and he's so much fun - maybe he just doesn't like shopping, typical male!! That or he just hates being strapped in to his seat and the pram, highly possible as he struggles to get out of them both.

My mum tells stories that she couldn't take me anywhere as I refused to be strapped in. She'd have to stop on the side of the road to stop me strangling myself in the car seat. She also didn't take me shopping as i was a right strop in the pram too.

Babe thanks so much for your reply, it really gives me hope that it could be just a reaction to something greater than just 'being out' and of course I would not want my child to have an issue with food but at least it's something we can remedy.

IsaacsMum argh, sounds like DS! I've just bought him a Houdini strap for his car seat as he gets himself out of it. All I can say is THANK GOD for online shopping!! I've been doing grocery shopping online for about a year and I don't know how I'd cope without it lol

Danda08 aw I wish that was the case with my DS (though he is in the pram, I daren't let him actually walk about) at the moment it's mostly the older ladies that give me dagger eyes with that 'DO something' look!! Makes me want the ground to open up and swallow me!

It's so hard to believe he is so shocking when we're out, today he was an absolute star as usual when we're t home, cuddles for everyone, playing with his sister so nicely giving her kisses and cuddles, it's like he's a different child. I am hopeful that our appt this week will shed some light on any intolerance issues and will keep you posted. Thank you all again for your replies, I really, really appreciate it

That's awesome. They're such clever little things aren't they. He probably felt he was making what he wanted very clear

Aw Thanks Fiona! You are so kind!

It's so easy to blame ourselves for everything but I think I need to try and listen a bit more to him. I was trying to pacify him but clearly all he wanted was to get out and in hindsight it was pretty easy to tell. Of course NOW I say that lol.