Grieving for my little one

4 Months on and my heart still aches, every day, for the baby I never got to meet.

I know I'm supposed to feel better as time goes on, but sometimes I feel like I'm starting to feel worse. Never a day goes by where I don't cry, Life never used to be like this. Why Me ? I feel so empty inside and so sad for my lost baby. I can't help but every day think about how pregnant I'd be, and think about what life would be like if I was still expecting my little bundle of joy in October. Why did this happen to me and why am I so so upset about it? I can't imagine ever feeling normal again.

I had a specialist appointment the other day and due to them suspecting I had a molar pregnancy (Which I didn't, and I also had no idea they even suspected it) They have done genetic testing on my bub. When I gave them permission to do the testing, I asked if they would test the sex of the baby, and I was assured they wouldn''t test for that (At the time I was happy never knowing, I didn't want it to seem more real than it already does).

Then the other day the specialist sat back in his chair after looking at the screen for a few minutes and asked if I'd like to know if my baby was a boy or a girl. I said I wasn't ready yet as it was such a huge shock to even be asked and I didn't have my dp with me at the time. I now don't know what to do. I have 100% convinced myself that he was a little boy, but if I was wrong I feel like I've got to start the grieving process all over again for a little girl. It just makes it so much more real. I'm sure eventually I'll find out, but I don't know if it'll make me feel better or worse, help ?

What can I do to make myself happy again ? Like I was before this rocked my whole world.

I really miss the innocence of how life was before, when I thought that we just got pregnant, and 9 months later had a healthy baby.

Hi PB
I have been having a really tough time of late as well, its been 4 months for me also. I went to my doctor last week and broke down in her office, she has advised we put TTC off for another few months and has put me on anti-depressents. I was quietly horrified - I hate what these m/c have done to me. Only a mere 11 months ago I was getting married with not a care in the world - now I am obsessed with TTC and frightened about what the future holds for us. I'm terrified to getting pg again only to miscarry.......terrified of not being able to fall pg.......terrified of not being a mother.....terrified my relationship will suffer because I'm such a horrible person at the moment. Arrrrrgh, my mind is crazy!!
Figured I needed someone to talk to to get my head sorted - my doctor said if that wasn't right then the rest of my body wouldn't be either. ie. hard to get pg.   So I have rung a social worker at the hospital who was LOVELY and she is going to arrange some counselling for me and my husband - he is also having a tough time dealing with me. And our cat, been pretty short tempered with him too! The hospital is going to ring me this week with a time, I very much look forward to getting that underway and wished I'd seen the signs and done this sooner.
I googled positive affirmations and fertility yesteday and found some quotes which I have pasted into the front of my diary that I am writing in every day (doctor suggested this to me). I will repeat the sayings twice a day until we fall pg again. Power of the mind I reckon!
I feel like I have made some small steps into becoming my old self again. I have no doubt that the next few months will be scary but I am strong and I'm not going to let these m/c get me down any longer. I have to move on and look to the future.
I'm sorry you feel so down PB - hopefully some of what I have written might help. I suggest you ask for help - it takes a lot of courage to do it but probably the best thing you can do for youself. Big hugs from me, hang in there x

Thanks MrsH - You are such a sweetheart and what you said does help. It also just helps knowing I'm not alone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too - it's not fair is it - We should be safely in our October forum talking about our symptoms and what we've been buying for bubs, Not here discussing this

Let me know how you get on with the counsellor, I do hope it helps you and dh! I went to one a few times in April but I didn't find her helpful, She didn't specialise in m/c and didn't really know how to help so she just started talking about other areas of my life to fill up the hour.

I feel the same - terrified. There are just so so many things I worry about now, Things I never thought I'd have to think about. I'm so sorry Mrsh - I wish I knew what to say

I'll google the Affirmations - Sounds like that's just what I need! Perhaps post some on here later if you feel like it, Thanks again xx

I'm sorry you're feeling this. I probably don;t have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but your post mirrored my experience, (I could have wrote that 1st/2nd paragraph)
I found the 4-5 month particularly difficult. Like you, the knowing exactly how far along you would have been was torture, its hard to switch off, if not damn near impossible. the month after the due date was hard too, but that might have been me and my weirdo hormones

What helped me?
I wrote everything down. Everything that was buzzing round my head. Everything that scared me, annoyed me, every appointment I had, what happened, what results were. All the bad angry selfish horrible stuff that you can't/won't say to anyone.
One password protected file and an hour or two of keyboard bashing.
I'm still doing it now. But was journalling before mc anyway. It works for me.

I contacted mc association and asked if they could recommend a counsellor in my area (this was after about 4 months too!). the lady I spoke to was cool, very validating (which was EXACTLY what I needed - that I wasn't completely mental after all) She understood all the reactions and triggers I was having, and made sense of it in a physiological way (ie anxiety!). I'm not particularly verbose irl (only on forums do I compensate for this!) so I was worried about whether it would even touch on the necessary stuff. But it did. tbh, I sat and cried through most of it, embarrasing snorted out explanations of whats happening for me. Poor lady!

I don't know what my turning point was. Don't even know if I've turned. Obviously, in someway, as we're ttc again, I have. I
ts been a year. Anyone on fb who pimps their newborn or engages in preggie talk gets put on hide, instantly.
I avoid all real life babies and preggy talk.
So not COMPLETELY 'back to normal', and I don't think I ever will be. this stuff is transformative, it changes you. And its sh*t to go through, I completely understand that.
I feared depression too, of not being able to distinguish what was actual grief and what was something more. I knew I didn't want AD's though, but probably would have caved after a few more months if I hadn't picked up

In terms of knowing your baby's gender, could you get your doc to write it on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope? Put it somewhere special, and then if/when you both feel you want to know, its there.
Is that an option for you, or would it be too much of a temptation/reminder?

Oh bobsta - I see your posts and my heart just goes out to you - I know how you're feeling and it's just heartbreaking knowing others have to feel like this too. They say time heals all wounds but at the moment it really doesn't feel like it does it!

Didi - I know you're right, it's when things get bottled up that they get worse. It's hard though because no one irl understands what it's like for me, I talk to dp about it most nights and cry, but he doesn't always know how to respond, he feels helpless. We both went to bubs resting place on Sunday and we just cried and cried.

Dp always says that bub is waiting to come back to us, and that his soul lives on, he just didn't like the body. I pray that's true as I can't wait for the day I hold my baby for the first time!

Spanky - Thanks so much! I think writing everything down would help me , I always used to write alot. I write a little bit every day in an Appointment diary but probably not enough how about I'm feeling so I'll make more effort to put my feelings on to paper (or online somewhere) to validate my feelings and just get them out! If things don't get better soon I may try a counsellor!

(I'm going to Brisbane for a long weekend next weekend to see my best friend so I'm hoping that will be theraputic and help me to feel better ,as I'll be having fun and will also be able to talk about it over a glass of wine, as opposed to sitting at work wishing I was counting down to Maternity Leave!!)

I know if I get baby's gender on a piece of paper in an envelope that I would have opened it by the time I got out to my car. I'm really curious now, I can also find out if there was a chromosomal problem which is another thing that is hard to hear, what if there was nothing wrong with the baby? I don't know if I'll then blame myself.

I just wish I didn't have to worry about these things.

I would be 26 weeks weeks pregnant today.

Oh PB I am so sorry, I have no more words of wisdom then I have already shared with you....

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

Im sorry I couldnt make it the other week, so much on I just couldnt get away!