This sucks

Oh Kellz, I'm not in the same position as I don't have other children, but I relate to some of the feelings, that one minute I kind of feel okay, then the next just lose the plot instantly and just lie around crying and wanting to sleep.

I wish you were in Auckland so we could catch up in person. I have other friends who have had miscarriages, but one had hers years ago and the other who had multiple miscarriages is in Canada.

I had to go to the EPAU clinic at Greenlane this morning to have an US, had one last Fri and there was 'retained product'. So I was really worried I would have to have a D&C, and I think we are similar in that both you and I want to keep it as natural as posisble, I am scared a D&C might do more damage to something that ain't working that well already. Fortunately they said that although I still have some remaining tissue, it's not attached, so will pass naturally at some stage. I'm so relieved, but then you feel terrible when you realise that you are hoping (just over a week since you were blissfully pregnant), that your uterus is empty. Urgh, it's such a mindf**k.

My partner is amazing, but I still feel so alone in what I am going through.

I think miscarriage is one of the hardest kinds of grief, as it's hard for other people to understand it - due to their being no visible baby. It's been my experience that MC hits you in every possible way. Firstly with physical pain and physical impairment due to the loss of blood etc, plus you still have the hormones present I guess for the first part of the MC, there is deep emotional despair at losing the baby you have been dreaming about and making plans around, there is the physical loss of the child as you feel it come out - and the ensuing emptiness you feel in your belly, when just before you felt all full and alive in there, there is spiritual pain and loss if you believe in a spiritual connection with the child before it is born - which I do, plus the mental side of guilt and worrying will you be able to carry again, what is wrong with me, did I do something wrong etc. I can't think of any other kind of grief that goes across all of these different feelings.

I can't believe that in some ways I have achieved what I wanted - having 2 babies, yet I don't have them at all. I've never heard their heartbeat, never felt them move inside my body, never held them, never fed them, stroked their hair etc. It's such a deep sense of loss and fear that what if that is it, what if those are my only two babies?

I don't have any work at the moment, as I am a consultant. I gave up having a full on company after 7 years back in 2010 and went consulting, so that I wasn't so stressed and would hopefully be in a better state to get pregnant. So I am kind of at a crossroads career wise as well. I decided to just jump off that bandwagon to focus on trying to become a mum. With the consulting I slowed my work right down with the last pregnancy, then after losing it I wanted to be even more careful this time round, so I didn't take on any work after my wedding in early Feb as I wanted to have lots of rest and no stress through the early stages of this pregnancy. Leaving me now with nothing to do. We move out of town to my family's land at the end of this month, and as we will be living the simple life, my partner will be working 3 days a week from home and I was just going to play earth mama, decorating our house, sewing baby clothes, cooking etc. Now we are moving up there and I will have no focus, just a big empty hole where my babies should have been. Plus my brother and SIL live 5 minutes away and she is due 2 weeks after my first was due, so I will be seeing her all the time - and I just don't know how I will cope with that. I did not cope very well after the 1st MC, until I was pregnant again.

I don't know if this reply has been remotely comforting to you as I've just poured out my own feelings. Sorry. Except that maybe we can both see something in each other's grief that we identify with.

I'm so sorry that you are so miserable, but it's also a relief to hear that someone else feels as up and down as I do.

My experience with last time is that, like all deaths, you do start to feel better and more able to cope after a month or two, but then unexpectedly you will be triggered and your grief will momentarily come flooding back, but it's posisble to deal with it once it is infrequent. In fact I guess sometimes I feel a little glad for it as I feel like it's proper to grieve for my first lost baby from time to time.

Enough of an essay. I'm thinking of starting a blog as I seem to write so much. But it just seems like it would be so black it would just depress people terribly.

Kia kaha.
M

Hi Ladies

I don't post that often but have followed both your stories and am so sorry for your losses. I am also sorry to say that I can relate well to so much of what you have both said. Its not something I think I will ever totally get over but time has definitely made it easier to deal with it.

Its important to be kind to yourself, I know each time I was very hard on myself and felt like my body had failed me.   As hard as it can be to articulate how you are feeling try and keep lines of communciation open. Its hard for partners to fully understand as they haven't been through the physical side of the pregnancy and then the m/c. Its a difficult time and there is no right or wrong way to feel and don't pressure yourselves by thinking you should be "over it" by a certain time because it doesn't work that way.

Well for someone that doesn't post often I had a lot to say!

Look after yourselves x

Thanks Orca1 and Luckymumma.

Initially I felt so fine emotionally that I just thought I was gonna find it easier than expected,..but its really hit me in the last few days.
I do have moments when I think that I should just get over it,...especially when compared to others- like yourselves who have gone through this multiple times, and I keep reminding myself that Im so lucky to already have two wonderful kids,...but them we so desperately wanted this baby too- took a lot longer ttc than the other 2,..and each child has been as wanted as the others, thats it so sad not to have baby anymore.

Ive been to a herbalist this morning who we use for all sorts of aliments, and shes given me a spray to help with hormones/emotions/grief/energy etc etc, so I hope that helps soon.

How r u doing Pepi?

aww hugs to Kellz and Pepi.

i still have days where it hurts so much. we have the 1st angelversary tomorrow 4 my last mc and even though i am preg again i am dreading it.
one thing i can say is do what u need to do - cry, vent, laugh whatever. and be kind to yourself.
have you been in contact with SANDS? they are great support ladies and have great info.

Hi, Im glad you have posted, have been worrying about you.

Sorry you've had sucky medical care- mines been really good, especially my midwife.

Ive not done the reading you have, have just been on here, the everybody nz m/c forum and the mc support.org.nz site
Totally agree about how we are so much more invested in our pregnancies now due to advanced technology- even tho we choose not to have hcg or early scans, we have planned all our 3 pregnancies- used ovulation strips etc, known exactly when we have concieved, got bfp on day 25 each time etc. My Mum had 3 mc between me and my little brother (30 yrs ago), but for 2 of them she didnt know she was even preg til she had heavier than usual bleeding- one she needed a d&c.

We have never kept our pregnancies a secret for more than a few weeks- this time we told all our family and friens her within a few days of finding out. I hadnt done the facebook announce- was waiting til 12 weeks, so havent posted anything about the mc on there either. But we have had incredible support from our friends and family, that Im so glad we told everyone and didnt wait the usual 12 weeks to tell people- I get a bump so early that it would be impossible to hide it that long anyway!

Midwife came again today- Im still very exhausted and have not managed a normal day yet without feeling that way, so she did blood tests to check my Hb again. We talked about the histology report might say, and she is gonna arrange an appt with the Ob so we can discuss what the find out and get some answers to things that are playing on my mind- like I dont understand how baby could have stopped growing at 6 weeks but still had a heart beat at 11 weeks seen on the scan half an hr before I passed it.

I wish I had a wife that called me away for dinner

Thanks for your reply. So sorry u are going through this too. I hope u are doing ok.

Im doing pretty good now, 1 month on. Feel like Ive pretty much fully recovered from the loss of blood stuff. Hormones arent right yet- not got my period and still quite irrationally emotional at times!

Mentally I doing ok, feel like I will have closure once baby is back from having histology testing in Palmy, and we have baby returned to us. After this we are going to have an appt with the Ob and may or maynot find out what happened or get some stuff esplianed that the GP and mw cant.