When to have #2

64 million dollar question right?!?! And I'm sure the answer is different for everyone, but what I'm particularly interested in knowing is when those of you chose to have #2 when you had a particularly challenging #1??

DH and I have really struggled with parenting, particularly as DS is challenging, however I feel that I have adjusted quite well now that DS is now 1 and whilst I'm not a natural mum, I know DS pretty well now and I cope an awful lot better than I used to. DH however does not cope so well. He is an A-MAZING dad and helps out HEAPS around the house, but he just really struggles with the crying - still!!!! Crazy I know but he has a tough time with it. Plus he has a tough time with not having the spare time he used to have to pursue all his many extra curricular activities.

So deciding when to have #2 is a tough decision. DH has days when he thinks we should have like a 3 or 4 year age gap but I'm not keen on that at all. I'm 31, he's 39 so we're not spring chickens anymore. I'm thinking about a 2.5 year age gap, maybe 3 years at a real push.

However I do also wonder how I will cope with 2? I mean I suppose you just do cos you've got no choice but sheesh if 1 is hard work, how on earth do you cope with 2 especially if #2 is just as challenging as #1??!?! Arghh!!!

Sorry for the rant - any advice appreciated! :)

I'm currently pregnant with #2 and DD will be 22 months when this one is born. I would recommend waiting longer between if you've got a boisterous first child. I have an absolute angel DD and i still find it very hard with the fatigue and not being able to run after her or bend over properly. I have HEAPS of support and a fantastically capable DH whose decision it was to have them 2 years apart. Even so, it's physically difficult... i'm going to go with 3 years between this one and the next one for sure!

WOW thanks for all the advice guys - I really do think we'll have a bigger gap then after hearing all your comments. No rush ay!!!

Yeah I reckon most people who have two close together must have had a relatively easy first one ay!!!

PS In order to have #2 you actually have to have S#X too haha

I found my 1st challenging, we have an 18m gap between my 2 and I found it so hard, I don't cope very well when they are newborns, so I think if I was to do it again I would have waited until DS1 was 18mo before trying for no.2 I would have like ds1 to be over 2. If we have another we won't try until ds2 is over 2.

I have a 21 month gap between mine and it is bloody hard work tbh. I thought we would have 3 so rushed for the first 2, but it was so damn hard that enough is enough and no way am i having #3!!

I think that a 3year age gap would be ideal because then you have one toilet trained, mostly over the terrible 2's, they have some ability to monitor their behaviour and best of all they get 20 hours free. So your DS1 will be at kindy/preschool for some of the time and you can have some quality time with #2. And also you get all that great time with #1. I feel in a way that i let DS1 down by being so busy with my difficult #2 for the first 6 months. And i also feel like poor DS2 has never had any time with just me - roll on preschool starting next week - but he's 15 months now. I needed that when he was a baby.

Also the first 12 weeks of pregnancy was also really hard with a 12-15 mo to chase after despite feeling exhausted and sick.

Gosh this advice has been invaluable guys - thanks so much!!!! I'm definitely thinking a 2.5 - 3 year age gap is a goer for us!

Only bummer is we're now in Oz so don't get the 20 hours free daycare although there are other benefits here so would be good if I could keep DS in some sort of part time care when bubs is born (he's at daycare full time at the moment - half the reason I went back to work was cos I couldn't handle being at home with him!!!).

1st_Time_Preggies - that's awesome that your DH is still keen for another bub despite having a challenging first one!!! Can totally understand why you're not so keen but I reckon you'll come round!

I guess I also just wish DH was more keen.....I know that in time he will be but he's just so negative about it at the moment. Do any of you have DH's who are/were less than thrilled about trying for another??

We have a just on 18 month gap between our two and my first is VERY challenging. It's been bloody hard, especially the first few months although now the baby is up and interacting with her sister more it's better lol. But I hear ya on the age thing. you're a bit younger than I was though so in your shoes I would also postpone it maybe even a year cos a small gap is hard when you have a difficult # 1.
Oh and our 2nd baby is much more relaxed (thank god), and came to be with us through not trying at all, but not preventing either iykwim?!

We will ahve a 2 year 7month gap between our two. I always said I wanted 2.5-3 years and despite us trying for 7 months both times I am now really glad the gap will be what I wanted.

My DH was also hesitant, parenting is bloody hard work and while we both still freak out about the arrival of the new one, we had decided early on that we didn't want an only child. I know it would be so much easier for us but I don't want DD to miss out on what we both had growing up with brothers and sisters.