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lisame 
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 Topic: saying the right things
Posted: 01 June 2010 at 2:49pm |
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Hi guys
Any advice for me... A friend has just miscarried at 12 weeks; her first. I'm 26 weeks, also my first.
I've told her I'm really sorry, obviously, and stayed away from those trite comments that some seem to come out with. But is there anything else you can think of that I can do to help? Any words, or anything I can do, that might make her feel a little better?
Thanks...
Lisa
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 2:57pm |
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you're very considerate for thinking of her and asking!
Sounds like you're already doing a good job.
Offer sympathy and a shoulder to cry on. Try avoid saying anything like "it wasnt meant to be" or saying things that make her feel like her baby is replaceable (well, you can try again; at least you know you can get pregnant etc).
There is no silver lining in this for her, she has lost a child and chances are a number of people will make her feel like she shouldnt be grieving.
And if she avoids you for a little while try not to take it personally! Your baby is a wonderful blessing and she may just find it hard to have the reminder at a time like this.
(((HUGS))) to you and to her!
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cuppatea
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 2:58pm |
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Pretty much the best and only thing that should be said is that you are sorry. You could ask her if she would like to do anything to remember the baby by, some women like to release a balloon on their due date etc. and see if she wants any help to organise that. But apart from that just be their let her talk if she wants to or not if she doesn't want to and yep stay away from any of "those" comments.
She may not want to be around you when your baby is born, if that happens try not to take it personally, miscarriage and all the emotions around it can just be so hard to deal with sometimes and seeing pregnant women and newborns just compounds it all.
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didi99
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 3:34pm |
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I don't really have alot more to add, It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job.
The only advice I have is maybe about a week or so afterwards see if she wants to go out to get a manicure/pedicure/facial or something similar a friend did that for me and it was nice to do something girly and just for me.
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lisame
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 3:48pm |
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thanks all. Hi Azza.. didn't expect to see you here! You're my EDD twin I think?!
I don't see her all that often as we live in different places, but i'll phone her soon and just say hi and see how she's doing.
doing something nice for her in a while when I do see her sounds good too. I'm not a big one for loads of baby talk so quite happy to talk about other stuff for a while!
unfortunately a work colleague of hers has just, on almost the same day she miscarried, had her baby. all a bit rough.
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Princess_Bubs
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 3:55pm |
You are a very thoughtful friend!
It's hard to find the right words to say in this situation but just be there for her, and like didi said offer to do something special with her when she's ready. (High tea/ Beauty treatments or a shopping trip perhaps) :)
I ended up with lots of bunches of flowers which were so amazing and thoughtful, my house ended up looking like a florist. (I was sad when the flowers started dying though as I felt like my baby was getting further away, but then I have dried some which is a nice keep sake)
If you want to buy her a little present "In the company of Angels" from Amazon is an amazing book which has really helped me remember my little Angel and honour all the fantastic things that being pregnant for the short time I was bought to me.
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tictacjunkie
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 4:39pm |
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I guess everyone else has offered advice on what to say, I definitely agree with the statement "don't say anything that implies her baby is replaceable". Just a heads up though, do your best not to complain about your pregnancy to her, I personally began to resent my friends who were bitching about their pregnancies to me, especially when I would have gladly poked out my right eye to trade places with them. You do sound like a very kind and caring friend, =).
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lisame
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Posted: 01 June 2010 at 4:46pm |
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noted, tictac. Thanks.
Like I said, the best conversation I could have with people about my pregnancy is 'how is it going' 'all's fine thanks' and we move on to something else ;-)
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jjands
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Posted: 02 June 2010 at 8:44am |
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Edited by jjands
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lemongirl
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Posted: 02 June 2010 at 9:35am |
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The best comment I ever had was:
"I have no idea how you're feeling right now but it must be awful."
The other thing that you should do is to get in touch with her around her due date. Plenty of people forget about miscarriage but there will be dates she'll remember and it is important that others remember them too!
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AzzaNZ
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Posted: 02 June 2010 at 8:55pm |
 lisame wrote:
thanks all. Hi Azza.. didn't expect to see you here! You're my EDD twin I think?! |
Yup, that's me! I lost a baby between DD and this one.
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Bobsta
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Posted: 02 June 2010 at 9:07pm |
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You are a good friend.
The best thing I found was knowing people were there for me if I needed them, so just telling her you are there for her if she needs to talk or needs anything at all might help. Listening is the best thing you can offer as there is no advice or words you can give that will really help. Listening is the best thing.
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Travelbug
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Posted: 03 June 2010 at 3:17pm |
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Such good advice from everyone above - and it sounded as though you are on the right track all by yourself.
I've got 3 angels but even now I never say anything that implys I know what they are feeling - cause no matter what the situation you can't know. A meaningful "I'm so sorry" is the only thing you really can say.
Just be there like you always have been. Take your cues from her as to whether she wants to talk or not. Don't avoid her but accept she might find it hard to spend time with you. If you are talking to her don't avoid the topic of your pregnancy but tread lightly in that area -again take your cues from her. She has to accept that people all around her will be having babies and it will be hard for her but she has to deal with that too.
Good luck to both you and her.
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saying the right things
