Feeling So Alone

I've had a normal feeling pregnancy right up to the 13 weeks mark til 2 days ago, whilst due for a dating scan that afternoon, I had a light bleed. Waited to see the Ob in the hospital not thinking too much of it. Had an ultrasound and his worried face made my heart sink.

Showed my wee baby to be only 8 weeks with a slow heart beat. Hcg levels were taken with bloods and I was admitted into the surgical ward that night with a threatened miscarriage. The next morning showed my hcg levels down over night from 6500 to 5000

Even though my little bubba still had a heart beat they still classed it as a missed abortion. I thought the foetus had to have died in utero to be a missed abortion.

I was nil by mouth that night and yesterday sent through for a D&C. I feel so horrific, like I killed by baby, as I saw the little one on the ultrasound and saw the heart beating

Today I have been crying to the point of inability to breathe on and off all day. I was pregnant one day and today I'm not. It makes no sense. I have lost something. I've been kicking around the house today unable to settle on anything, unable to read, watch tv, walking around the house feeling so empty.

I'm not sure how to get over this and I don't want to get pregnant again as it's too much to cope with. I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm so sorry for your loss, life is unfair at times.
reach out to your family, partner and loved ones.
take care

Hugs hun!

You have not killed your baby!

Reach out to your family and we are always here if you need to talk.

I am so sorry you have had to experience this tragic loss.

Thank you everybody for all the comforting words and for those that have sent PMs I will answer them as soon as i feel able. Some days I can barely think about all this and others all I ant is to be able to talk to someone.

Maybe I was naive but I never expected the pain I'm feeling from losing my little bubba. I'd already thought of him as a He, and started planning and getting things for his nursery. The house if full of baby clothes and magazines,my family in the UK had sent little packages before hearing of the loss and each little package is tearing at my heart a little bit more.

I don't know why I didn't expect this to happen, so far my life has been a biatch So many things have hurt me, from being raped to other things piled on top of it, to a break down that put me in a psychiatric hospital for 7 years. I was so worried when I was planning this pregnancy that I wouldn't cope, so scary. But after lots of discussion satyed on my risky medication (not a risk in development, but has some big risks to newborns) and came off depo.

Took 16 months to get PG and to my suprise I was so so happy, not nervous at all. I loved being PG and was so excited to meet my baby.

I can't believe I didn't expect something bad like this. My life has never been easy, why did I expect this to go as planned?

Now, a few days later I am still falling apart and hurting so incredibly badly for my lost baby boy. I just want him back and for none of this to have happened.

I wish I had never got PG to begin with, this pain is too much to bear.

For the first time in years I have fallen back on self harm to numb the emotional pain, though I know it's not a healthy way to deal with grief. I don't know 'normal' emotions, mine have always fallen outside of the normal since being raped.

I can't eat and I'm dizzy and sick, but on another level it feels good to be punishing this stupid body that killed my baby.

Right now I long for numbness, to not feel this pain, to never have been hurt again.

Good advice Chickoin. MerlinFluff a terrible thing has happened to you and you are allowed to feel terrible. Just put all the support in place that you can.

Hugs.

Merlinfluff, I'm so so sorry for what you have gone through.

Please please reach out to someone - your DH, MW, doctor who can help and support you through this terrible time. Like Chickoin, I'm not saying 'go away' simply that I think there are people who you can talk to who can be of immediate help.

That is a huge step asking your neighbour to use the car, I know how it is when you're in a dark place and you don't want to see anyone or do anything, so you should definetly feel proud of yourself.
Very good that you have a great gp too! It will be hard to talk about your loss at first, but it will be worth it to get help. Remember he would have seen many people upset about all sorts of things so don't be scared to lay it out there.
Perhaps see if you can stomach something like an iceblock or canned fruit, anything to help give you some energy and rehydration. Those pedilyte (????) iceblocks are fantastic for when you can't face food but need hydration.
Thank you so much for checking in and updating us. I don't know you but you have been in my thoughts all day. Big big hugs xx

Hey merlinFluff, I have just pm'd you but I just wanted to say I agree with the other ladies. Sometimes as human beings so many things are sent to try us and often we can get through, but I think at times like these sometimes you need extra help and support and I think this is one of those times for you honey. I am really glad you are going to go see someone tomorrow, it will really help sweetie. Dont be afraid to ask for help, there's no point being stuck in a dark place when you dont have to be. Your blood pressure sounds scarily low and if your not eating you wont be doing your body any favours honey. I know how hard it can be to force yourself, but just try something bland, maybe some sugar to get your sugar levels back up, to get some substance into you before tomorrow. Have you got anyone close around you that could come over and give you some support?

Just saw my gp. Apparently I am a "sick bunny", febrile, low blood pressure, running a fever, dehydrated. Wanted me to go by ambulance to hospital to go on a drip but not something I could face. So he's given me 24 hrs to stabilise, have to sip 2 litres of enerlyte by 12pm tomorrow, take ibuprofen for fever, loperamide for tummy, stool sample. He thinks I was unlucky enough to pick up Norovirus whilst in hospital, or the first signs of pelvic inflammotary disease.

If I get worse, or am the same tomorrow, he is going to MAKE me go to hospital. This is just my chance to try pick up at home. He also got my exact location so if he needs to come out tomorrow he knows where to find me. My neighbour must check on me this evening.

I also have to be driven in tomorrow, not drive myself.

My fiance is on his way will be home tomorrow avo, he changed his flights to come home asap.

Apparently this is a big part of why I'm feeling so fragile mentally and when my body feels better I should be able to cope with the grief better too.

Great that you went to your doctor, not so good about your state of health. But that can be fixed with a bit of TLC. Keep us posted on how things are going. Once your body has healed, you may feel very differently.

But if you don't, you know we are here.