My Husband Doesn’t Understand My NeedInfo

My husband doesn't understand why I need to read EVERYTHING there is to read about pregnancy, birth, labour, homebirths, water births, pain killers... you get the idea

His logic goes like this "but the midwife and doctors have years of training and experience. How can we possibly make better choices than them for our baby and your labour? The doctor will tell you what to do and if the doctor says you need to be induced then who are we to call them wrong?" etc.

I know that his opinion is wrong but I can't explain to him why it's wrong. He's very logical and he's willing to change his mind if I can explain LOGICALLY why I feel the need to know everything.

Any good logical arguements I can use to explain it to him?

Rhondda

well by reading the info if a dr says you need to be induced and tells you why then you are more likely to understand why he says and then you can ask more questions.

middlemore wanted to induce me and actually had no other reason to besides my baby was already very close to birth they just wanted to speed up the process, My midwife was delivering someone else and I had my 1yr old son with me, being able to understand things makes it a lot easier to make an informed choice. dr's dont always induce for good reason, I ended up going home and having my baby at the birthing unit with my midwife present in the water as planned only 12hrs later. if I hadnt known what I knew It could have gone a way i didnt want it to go because the doctor said so.

You could tell him you are pregnant and nothing is logical with a pregnant woman!!?

In all seriousness, I need to know whats going on and I agree that the biggest thing is knowing your options and if you have researched them then you will be able to make a better decision. Let him know that you want to know so that you feel comfortable with whats going on.

Lol Rhondda, I never really fancied being induced, but at 14 days overdue I was so desperate to get her out of there they could have done anything to me!!!

Try telling him doctors work on the law of averages - they have a *recipe* to follow that actually individuals don't always stick to. Every woman you meet will have a different birth story and have different experiences and approaches even to the same event. So a doctor cannot possibly make a *best* recommendation that will suit every one. You need to know what you like and don't like so that you can make informed decisions that best suit you.

Also, I hate to say it, but OBs definitely have a tendency to do what suits them, not what necessarily suits you. Sitting on their hands and waiting is not something they are good at.

A lot of the time a midwife or doctor won't tell you what to do... they will give you options and ask which way you want to go...

Ie - types of pain relief in labour... do you want to immunise... do you want Vit K... etc etc

Even if you ask them what they would do, or what they suggest, a lot of times they won't say as it would make them liable if something goes wrong...

Another example would be in labour... do you have a hot shower, pethadine, epidural, walk around, lie down, sit on swiss ball, lower back massage.... all options... all valid... the doctor/midwife could suggest, but it all depends on what works for you which you have to figure out yourself... you need to know what's available to make an informed decision...

If it makes you feel better, more relaxed and less stressed by being informed then that's good for you.

Also this is what OB is for, finding out all that you need to know then when you are faced with a situation you can be confident that you are making the best decision and what your Dr / MW is telling you doesn't come as a surprise.

My first DH was into all the books. After baby was born with some minor complications he actually said he wished he hadn't have. Because he was too informed. Not only did he know all the stuff that might happen, he knew all the negative stuff too and he stressed more about it.

I have to say that this time I am the one doing all the reading but mostly it is because I am 37 and there is more risk, this is my last chance for a girl so I am stressing about that, and nine months is such a bloody long time. It keeps my mind occupied lol.

My husband wasn't into reading about the process but was more then happy for me to do so because he understood it was important to me to have an understanding of what was happening with my body and our baby and what may or may not happen on the day. He was open to me telling him about the information I had found.

Perhaps if you can make an argument based on how he would react to something happening within his body and if he would simply accept what one dr or medical professional told him just because that is the way they do it?

Medical staff are prone to behaving in a certain way based on their experiences. Whilst their knowledge gives them great value there is the flip side of the coin where they act as though they have seen it all and know the way to behave. The best example of this I can give is that for my five previous pregnancies I had the same OB and I chose him because of his experience and his reputation for not doing unnecessary procedures and I have a great level of trust in him. However, the midwife I had at my first labor I hated at first because she treated me like an 'annoying over reacting mother' until she realised I was fully dilated and then her attitude changed (she had seen it all... that is until she saw me)

Every body is different and every pregnancy/labor is different. You are not an average of all women you are an individual.

I found reading up gave me a sense of being prepared and allowed me to be more comfortable with what happened. It wasn't so I could go against what my health care provider said as such. The research shows that the birth experience is often better if you are more relaxed then if you are tense and uncertain. That would be my number one argument, that you aren't reading up so that you can argue with health providers but so that you are more prepared, relaxed and have a better overall experience for you and your baby. Surely that is all he would want for you and he would have to be more accepting.

lol we are the oposite ... hubby has read up in depth on labour where as I have read the basics and then what we have leart at antenatal class.

Everyone is different and it is sometimes hard for the other half to understand how you are thinking and vice versa (I am a stresser, hubby so laid back surprised he manages to stay upright!). Maybe you need to agree to disagree ... he needs to understand that you want as much information on board as possible but you also need to understand that he doesn't.

Example: For me I am so scared of labour that I panic when I read about it and then worry about nothing but. I come up with all these things that could go wrong, so for me a little knowledge is best. Where as for hubby the more he knows the more relaxed and in control he feels about it all (see oposite of you ). I let him go ahead and read whatever he wants ... but he's not allowed to tell me. Maybe your hubby is a bit scared like me? Boys never tell you these things unless you drag it out of them with them kicking and screaming, but like me there may be a reason he doesn't want to know!