https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/ Copyright (c) 2006-2013 Web Wiz Forums - All Rights Reserved. Thu, 09 Apr 2026 04:45:23 +0000 Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:05:22 +0000 http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Web Wiz Forums 12.05 360 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/RSS_post_feed.asp?TID=14764 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_images/web_wiz_forums.png https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/ https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311530&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311530 Author: yummymummy
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 10:05pm

The thing I crave at the moment is sleep & some peace and quiet so I'm most grateful when I'm offered babysitting - I can relax in peace.
Food is always good too - saves me cooking as I'm too tired and get way too hot around the stove/oven]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:05:22 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311530&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311530 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311213&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311213 Author: SquishysMum
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 5:43pm

I know where you're coming from being the childless one and trying to help - my SIL was similar when BJ came home and I seriously didn't know what to do! So I made dinner and took it round (lasagne, fish pie, freezy stuff in general. Even bolognese sauce is good, cos then all they have to do is cook spaghetti and reheat the sauce in the microwave). I didn't need to get BJ out of the house for a while (her grandparents did that, still do take her for the night most weeks), but perhaps popping baby in her pram and going for a walk? Even if it's hidden as a "I need an excuse to exercise, and you need a break". And every time I'm there I'll fold the washing or hang it out or load the dishwasher (after the cuppa - not so noticable then).

I hope you are able to help your friend, like people have said you're lucky she has said something to you. I guess the hard part is trying to help in a practical way without stepping on toes! All the best, Dal.]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 17:43:54 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311213&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311213 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311149&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311149 Author: baalamb
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 4:15pm

All of these suggestions are great. I would've also suggested making a meal for the freezer (something that's easy to take out and heat up quickly) and talking with her mum. Maybe you can organise her to have the baby on a Friday afternoon/evening and you and your friend go for a walk together (gives her a really good chance to talk it out and discuss her 'to do' lists and suss out if there's anything you can help her with).

You're very lucky, Dal, that your friend has approached you. I can imagine that would be very hard for her to admit that she's not coping. And she's also lucky that she has you looking out for her, regardless if she declines your help or not!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 16:15:50 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311149&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311149 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311051&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311051 Author: daikini
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 2:40pm

When I had postnatal depression, I always appreciated practical help (the sort where they showed up and did something before I could stop them) rather than offers or babysitting. I'm a perfectionist, and had got to the point where I just didn't know where to start to attack the state of the house - and as I couldn't finish jobs to the standard I wanted to, I wasn't even trying to start.

I had home-help come once a week, and she would help me do the dishes and fold the washing that had built up. She would clean the toilet/bath/basin, vaccum and mop while I looked after Josiah. It was really good because I knew the last time those jobs had been done and that helped me to carry on with other things.

From my experience, I would suggest taking around dinner is a good start, something easily reheatable like lasagna or a casserole (there's a really nice and easy chicken one on the side of the Watties tomato soup tins) that she can freeze if she doesn't want to have it that night. Home baking is also good... a little treat does wonders for cheering you up. Don't let her stop you helping her - she's reaching out, but probably isn't sure what sort of help she needs. It can be very hard to let others do things "the wrong way" (ie, not your way) when all that matters is that the jobs are being done. Yes, you may feel like a bit of a bully but she will still love you!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 14:40:17 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311051&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311051 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311045&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311045 Author: myfullhouse
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 2:33pm

I feel like I have been in your friend's shoes, trying to keep everything together and cope without any help and it has been really hard. For one thing I thought that everyone else was so busy with their lives that it was unfair to ask them to help me with mine. While we were away at Christmas my Mum and SIL came to our house and did some cleaning and washing - something I would never have asked them to do. It was so wonderful to come home to a clean house.
Along with what others have suggested I would say just gone on over and don't take no for an answer. Food that can be popped in the freezer and then microwaved on a day when things have gone pear shaped is always great. See if you can find out what is on her list and pick one to help her out with. She may not necessarily be tired but just tired because she doesn't see the list going down, so she may not want to rest while you do something for her but just needs someone to work alongside her, and maybe just someone to talk to.
Anything you do I am sure will be greatly appreciated!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 14:33:58 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=311045&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#311045 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310977&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310977 Author: Kellz
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 1:30pm

Talking to her Mum about what to make might be a good idea. It might make her realise that her daughter needs more help too!
Hanging out togther on fri, and managing to cross a few things off on her list, and taking bubs for a walk will make the world of difference, Im sure!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:30:22 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310977&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310977 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310975&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310975 Author: EmDee
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 1:29pm

I found I'd always refuse if people asked me if I wanted help, but couldn't refuse after it had been done already (ie washing taken off the line or folded, or a meal given to me) and as someone else has said, I wish I had of let people help me earlier.

I don't have anything else to add as everyone has given really good ideas. Just wanted to say I think you are an awesome friend too!

]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:29:32 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310975&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310975 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310969&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310969 Author: IVFGirl1111
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 1:21pm

Ps/ Like the idea of me taking baby for a walk and her resting Im sure she would say yes to that.
Do you think I should talk to her Mum and ask her what sort of meals that she thinks they would like?

I really want to help her because it sounds like she needs it - but I dont want to offend her or whatever?]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:21:08 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310969&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310969 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310967&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310967 Author: aimeejoy
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 1:20pm

I have nothing to add, but just wanted to say you are a great friend for wanting to help out. ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:20:40 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310967&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310967 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310966&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310966 Author: IVFGirl1111
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 1:19pm

Thanks everyone :)

This is one part of her email and it makes me so sad for her!

"and I am constantly trying to catch up. I have had things on my to-do list for weeks and I'm not crossing anything off! I really need a day at home without baby girl so that I can catch up on everything, and even then I probably wouldn't get everything done. It's so frustrating because I am usually so organised, but these days I can hardly pack a bag to leave the house let alone anything else! I'm not moaning to you, I'm just trying to explain so that you don't think I am a slack friend that doesn't care, because I do care about you and your friendship means the world to me! "

I know what she is like and likes everything done a certain way because she is so organised and thorough with everything - so I know she wont want me to help with anything. But you guys think that I should just be persistant? And say right Ive taken the day off work Im coming over no matter what and give me that to do list?

I dont want to sound to pushy though?

I am really stuck on what to do since I am childless! ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 13:19:02 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310966&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310966 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310897&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310897 Author: josephnia
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 11:47am

I think her email shows that she is ready to accept your help even though she may object at first - that's probably a guilt thing cos I know I would be exactly the same way. The food thing is a great idea and even going round and maybe doing the ironing or something while you both can have a chat - I did this for a friend of mine and I know she really appreciated it (and I HATE ironing lol!) Don't let her turn you down though - her email proves how much she needs you right now.

And good on you for being so concerned about her, everyone needs people like you in their lives who truly care about them ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 11:47:03 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310897&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310897 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310808&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310808 Author: Kellz
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 10:03am

Personally I would prefer the offers of practical help around the house, and dinner, to being sent out for a massage! I still find it really hard to leave Isla, and would prefer the company of my friend there with me giving me a hand. Maybe when u are there, u could offer to take baby for a little walk or something,...rather that just presuming that she wants to be away from baby, by buying her a massage etc.]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 10:03:54 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310808&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310808 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310797&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310797 Author: kiwikid
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:56am

Is she open to you baby sitting her 6mth old do you think? Maybe you could do something like organise for her to have a massage (special preggy one of course) and look after the little one while she goes off to have some 'her' time and then be ready with dinner when she gets home and take care of any other chores that might be obvious.

Everybody likes lasagne dont they????? It a nice easy meal to prep in advance and reheat.    ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:56:29 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310797&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310797 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310795&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310795 Author: peachy
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:56am

Dal I would just let her know you are coming over on Friday and she has no choice in the matter. Anything you can do for her would help her so much!

For me, the help that I was given which was a godsend was:

Folding the washing
Cooking dinner
Someone taking the baby while I got a break and a rest

I too used to be so organised and up to date etc and never ask for help. Since having Lauren anyone that offers to do anything for me can go right on ahead! Sometimes friends have turned up and bought my washing in before they even come inside and say hello to me! It just takes the pressure off!

Honestly the tiniest things can help sooooo much!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:56:12 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310795&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310795 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310790&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310790 Author: kebakat
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:54am

I'd just make up the meal and take it around if you think she might say no, at least that way it's much harder to refuse and she'll be grateful of it!

Or send her out for some pampering.. I loved it when someone did it for me. Offered to babysit and got me a voucher for a massage. It made me feel so great to get out of the house and be pampered and when I came home some of my housework was even done!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:54:33 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310790&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310790 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310789&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310789 Author: Kellz
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:52am

Just tell her your coming, and then turn up.Just dont take no for an answer! I needed help when I was real preg, and having so much to do and not getting it done was getting me done. Amber (BaileyandAstin) said she was coming around,..looked at my list, and said right- Im doing this and that,..and did it. I felt mean making her do my cleaning, but then I didnt make her! Lol! It was sooo helpful.
I would just make a lasagne or similar and take it round,...then u could say,..right heres your dinner,...Im cooking for you again next wednesday(or whatever),...so if u dont tell me what u like, I'll be coming around with the same thing again! ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:52:39 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310789&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310789 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310788&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310788 Author: Mazzy
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:52am

Sometimes you have to be a bit bossy - but then I don't know you or your friend. I'm the kind of person who would respond to an email like that by just getting in there and ignoring protests, unless it was obviously really upsetting them. This is because I know that I am the same - put too much on my 'to do' lists and freak out but won't accept help from anyone. When my mum or DH forces me to let them help it all becomes so much easier and I kick myself for not letting them help earlier.
Another way to do it would be to say you were coming over to help for a day so that she can have an extra pair of hands - so she doesn't think you're taking over. Then when you are actually there, make sure she gets a bit of rest at some point. Even just sitting down with a cup of tea and going through her lists of stuff to do with her and helping her figure out timeframes/how others can help/plans for each thing would probably help her a lot. ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:52:37 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310788&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310788 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310783&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310783 Author: IVFGirl1111
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:46am

Thanks guys - I thought about making a meal or something but I dont know if she would accept it? Do you think I should just do it and then take it around and just give her no choice but to accept it? Should I ask about what her and her DH like? Or just make a mince pasta type dish that all she needs to do is bang it in the oven?

I have just re read her email now Im crying I feel so sorry for her!

Ive asked her if there is anything I can take off her to do list maybe I might just say to her right Im coming over on Friday Im taking the day off work, you rest I'll clean your house type thing - I know what she is like though and she would say no!]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:46:15 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310783&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310783 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310781&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310781 Author: nikkitheknitter
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:41am

Fold washing

Make meals

Babysit for an hour-ish so she can have a nap

I'm really glad she emailed you. It's so hard to ask for help and maybe she feels as though she's responsible for her position and therefore shouldn't ask for a hand? Anyway, glad she has you ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:41:18 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310781&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310781 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310776&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310776 Author: Henna79
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:39am

I agree with Mazzy. Make up so meals she can just throw in the oven to heat up I know that having my DH do that for me is amazing =) Even if when you do go round get the washing in and fold it or something. ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:39:10 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310776&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310776 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310769&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310769 Author: Mazzy
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:29am

Food is always good - can you cook a meal for her a couple of times and take it around? Just not having to do the meal prep/clean up and having something good to eat for dinner always made me feel a bit more relaxed.
Can you offer to come over for a couple of hours and entertain/change/feed the little one so that she can get something done?
]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:29:48 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310769&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310769 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310753&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310753 Author: IVFGirl1111
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:17am

Oops should this be in general?]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:17:51 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310753&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310753 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310733&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310733 Author: IVFGirl1111
Subject: 14764
Posted: 25 February 2008 at 9:04am

She has one baby that is 6 months and she is 3 months pregnant at the moment. On the outside she appears to be coping fine, still looks great and is always perfect looking, her clothes makeup hair etc. Anyway for a while I have felt like she was starting to back away from our friendship because she started not returning phone calls and texts etc, then I thought ok shes got a wee one and is pregnant so just give her time etc but then she looked like she was coping so well so I couldnt undersand it.

She is the type of girl whos house is always imaculate and who always looks stunning - and everytime I have been to her house lately her house is still always so tidy and she looks amazing - hence why I didnt think she was struggling with everything.

Anyway, I got an email from her today (which was very sweet) and it basically said how she wasnt coping at all, and that she cant keep up with anything. She doesnt know if she is trying to do to much or that its pregnancy hormones or a bit of both etc. She feels like she has had 2 do lists for weeks and they just arent going down. She also told me our friendship ment the world to her (which makes me feel terrible thinking that she was "avoiding me" type thing).

But Im so glad she has talked to me about this - now the thing is where to from here? How do I help? If I ask her if there is anything I can do she says she is fine just really tired. Her Mum can have her wee girl for the night now which is great, I just want to go to her with some suggestions, or going to help with something I just dont know - I really want to help her, she sounds like she needs it.

So what can you ladies who have been there done it suggest that I do?

Thanks and sorry for the ramble! ]]> Mon, 25 Feb 2008 09:04:37 +0000 https://www.ohbaby.co.nz/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=14764&PID=310733&title=how-can-i-help-my-friend#310733